Amadeus Page #40

They set the giant pot down in the middle of the stage. The

trapeze with the dead soprano is still swinging above the

stage.

We hear the chromatic scale from the Don Giovanni overture

again, repeated and repeated, only now fast and tremolando.

To this exciting vamp Schikaneder suddenly rides in on a

real horse, waving a real sword. With this he cuts the string

of the trapeze, and the soprano falls into the pot. A

tremendous splash of water. Schikaneder rides out. More

applause.

All the dwarves produce long wooden cooking spoons and climb

up the sides of the pot. The three girls produce labeled

bottles from under their skirts. The first is SALT.

FIRST LADY:

(singing)

Behold!

PEPPER:

SECOND LADY:

(singing)

Behold!

She sneezes.

AND SCHNAPPS:

THIRD LADY:

(singing)

Behold!

She hiccups.

They throw them into the pot.

COMMENDATORE:

(speaking to the

dwarves)

How long does it take to cook a

soprano?

DWARVES:

(all together)

Five hours, five minutes, five

seconds.

COMMENDATORE:

(speaking)

I can't wait that long. I'm starving!

OTTAVIO:

(speaking; four voices)

So am I.

Schikaneder marches in as Figaro.

SCHIKANEDER:

(singing to the tune

of Non piu ante)

In the pot, I have got a good dinner.

Not a sausage or stew, but a singer.

Not a sausage or stew but a singer.

Is the treat that I'll eat for my

meat!

COMMENDATORE:

Oh shut up. I'm sick to death of

that tune.

CU, Mozart laughing delightedly with the audience.

THE THREE GIRLS:

(singing again to the

horse)

Give me your hoof, my darling, and

I'll give you my heart.

COMMENDATORE:

Shut up. I'm sick of that one too.

All the dwarves climb up the rim of the pot. As they climb,

they all hum together the opening of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

COMMENDATORE:

And that one, too!

The soprano rises, dripping with water in the middle of the

pot.

SOPRANO:

(singing)

Oil me! Broil me! Boil me!

All the dwarves beat her back down into the pot with their

long wooden spoons.

SOPRANO:

(from inside the pot)

Soil me! Foil me! Spoil me!

HORSE:

I can't eat her. Sopranos give me

hiccups. I want some hay!

FIRST LADY:

(singing to Schikaneder)

Hey!

SECOND LADY:

(singing to Schikaneder)

Hey!

THIRD LADY:

(singing to Schikaneder)

Hey!

SCHIKANEDER:

Hey what?

ALL THREE LADIES

(singing to La oi

daram)

Give him some hay, my darling, and

I'll give you my heart!

COMMENDATORE:

Shut up.

SCHIKANEDER:

Leporello! We want some hay -

prestissimo! Leporello - where are

you?

The table is raised in the air by Leporello sitting under it

on a bale of hay.

FIRST LADY:

(singing to horse)

Behold!

SECOND LADY:

(singing to horse)

Behold!

THIRD LADY:

(singing to horse)

Behold!

Ottavio the horse gives a piercing neigh and runs down to

the hay.

COMMENDATORE:

(holding on)

Hey! Hey! Watch out!

The vamp starts again vigorously. The horse's rear-end swings

around on a hinge to turn his hind-quarters straight on to

the audience. The rest of him stays sideways. His tail springs

up in the air to reveal a lace handkerchief modestly hiding

his arsehole.

Schikaneder offers him a handful of hay. The horse eats it,

and out the other end comes a long Viennese sausage. The

audience roars with laughter. Another handful of hay and out

of the other end falls a string of sausages. Then a large

pie, crust and all. Then a shower of iced cakes!

Suddenly - silence. Schikaneder produces an egg from his

pocket. Ottavio the horse rears up in disgust.

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