American Dirtbags Page #10

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- When will you be home?

- I have no idea, I mean,

you know this guy, he's nuts.

- Wait, d'you get your lunch?

- Love you.

- - Love you.

- I would literally kiss

her goodbye in the morning.

Spend the afternoon pulling

out some dummy's fingernails,

take a break to eat the

mushy lunch she packed me.

Who the f*** eats

that much mayonnaise?

Go back to breaking

some douche bag's face,

kill him,

clean up, scrub the

bastard's blood off my body,

and come home to

have some sort of

wacky dry-cleaning

story prepared.

This guy said it would take

like an hour-and-a-half,

so I just went, f***ed around,

got some coffee,

just killing time.

By the time I got back, there

was a boot on the truck.

And then, the dry

cleaner's gone for lunch.

Just chaos, today.

Just absolutely...

- Sorry, baby.

- Chaos, what are you doing?

It was f***ing exhausting,

and after awhile,

I just got fed up with it.

I was never good at

breaking up with girls.

Believe it or not, it's hard

for me to be the a**hole.

So when I was finally

done with a relationship,

I just had a buddy

of mine kill her.

It was way easier.

I didn't have to have

that awkward run-in

with her new boyfriend.

I definitely missed

the sex, though.

That b*tch was from

a different planet,

a planet where all they

eat is tossed salad.

Dude, whoa, whoa.

Dude, dude.

You know what you

can do to stop this?

Nothin'.

It's gonna suck.

It's just so much better not

having to lie to your girl

about what you do.

There's a comfort knowing

that your woman has your back.

- So what'd you do today?

- Mm, not much.

Made some money, though.

Oh, I found that guy

that ripped us off.

- Did you cut his head off?

- I drug him behind my truck

for like, 20 minutes, so,

it was pretty gruesome.

You'd have loved it.

- That's so good.

A year after we married,

we had our little girl.

- Drive faster!

- I'm f***ing driving.

- Drive faster!

- I can't drive faster.

Having a baby is the

most intense thing

I've ever experienced.

You're good, you're good.

- Don't touch me,

don't touch me.

You should have just

f***ed me in the ass

like I asked.

- I've been f***ing

you in the ass.

Oh, it hurts, yeah, I'm

sure, what hurts more?

- I think I just came,

that's what you said,

I think I just came.

- You were begging me

to come inside you,

you said, "come in my p*ssy!"

- I thought you

would know better,

I thought you would know better.

- Without a doubt,

the most intense moment.

And I've been in some

f***ed up situations.

We named her Molly.

The boys had it

coming if they even

looked at my little girl wrong.

I get paid to cut people's

fingers off for making mistakes.

Imagine what I'd do to some punk

that made my little angel cry.

And Alice wouldn't put up

with that sh*t, either.

She probably wouldn't do it

herself, but you gotta figure.

She grew up seeing

her dad and uncles

taking motherfuckers

out on a regular basis.

- No, motherf***er.

- Do you mind, I'm in here.

- You know you

can lock the door?

- Help.

- Shut the f*** up.

- Look, just use the

bathroom downstairs, please.

Thank you.

- She told

me that uncle bankingie

took her to get her

license when she turned 16,

and on the way to the DMV,

stopped to dump a

body out of the trunk.

Can you blow it out?

I'll do it for ya.

All right, yeah!

Around Molly's second

birthday, something changed.

Alice started acting weird.

She never wanted to

have sex anymore,

she always seemed

busy or preoccupied.

Although we did have

a Jewish wedding,

so that kind of made sense.

- My period's gonna

start next week,

and I'm, like,

pre-cramping really bad.

- Pre-cramping?

- - Yeah.

My b*obs hurt and everything.

- I got em,

- I'll take care of 'em.

- - No, no, I'm ok.

Thank you.

- Thank you?

You just said thank you.

Yeah?

What, I can't even touch.

- Are you kidding?

- Does it look like I'm kidding?

Does this look like a joke?

- Yeah.

- You know

how you could stop this?

Don't be such a

b*tch all the time.

Somehow, this is working.

- Fine, play Patty-cake

with yourself and just.

- I'm not in the mood.

- - Yeah?

- Stop making

eye contact with me

while you're doing that.

- Well, maybe you should stop

- not f***ing me.

- - Stop!

Just get it out.

- It's over.

Naturally, I started

getting suspicious.

Girls say their number one

turn-off is a jealous boyfriend.

They think it makes

a man look insecure

and unsure of himself.

Well, ladies, if you

weren't such whores,

I wouldn't be so suspicious.

I'm going to get my

nails done, bullshit.

I started doing stakeouts

out at my own house,

watching where my wife

would go then calling her

to see if she was lying.

Sometimes she was,

sometimes she wasn't.

That's right about the time

all hell broke loose.

Little bankingie called

me and he was pissed.

Hey, what's going on, boss?

Whoa, whoa, calm down,

calm down, calm down.

Apparently, some cock smoker

busted into one of his guy's

dope houses and opened fire.

- The f*** is this, t.J.,

where's my f***in' money?

- Right here, motherf***er.

Ah, oh!

- And I had to go track

these f***in' amateurs down.

So I hired a p.I. To

keep track of my wife.

You need to follow

her, take pictures,

do whatever you gotta do, I

need to know what she's up to.

Don't let me down.

One of 'em lucked out and died

before I got my hands on him.

Took me a month-and-a-half

to find that

other slimy piece of sh*t.

Say something.

Say something so I can tell

you to shut the f*** up.

- Just let me go, man.

- Shut the f*** up.

We can do this the easy way,

or we could do this

the easier way.

- What do you want to know, man?

- I don't want to f***in' hear

don't move, hello?

- Hey, Bigfoot, listen.

I've got good news

and I've got bad news.

Good news is, job's done,

got a lot of great pictures.

Bad news, it's a little

hardcore porn-esque.

- F***ing kidding me.

- - Yeah,

it's graphic.

- F***ing whore.

I couldn't melt this f***er's

face off fast enough.

F***?

- Yeah, it was like they were

playing a game of twister,

only without the board,

and full penetration.

It was like she was a

meat lovers hot pocket,

just getting stuffed at

the factory.

It was like a game

of dick-dick-goose,

only the goose,

was her p*ssy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.

- That's where

I started f***ing up.

I didn't even get

rid of the body.

Killed the f***ing

messenger and made a beeline

to where those f***ers live.

F***er, huh, you wanna

f*** people's wives?

What happens when

you f*** my wife?

This is what I do.

It felt so good drowning

that piece of sh*t.

But I should have checked

the rest of the

f***ing house first.

- The f***?

Hey b*tch, wake up.

Hey b*tch, b*tch.

Yo wake the f***

up, motherf***er.

Hey, hey.

Yeah, surprise,

b*tch, I'm still here.

Called the f***ing

cops on ya you a**hole.

F***ing piece of sh*t.

Oh, you're gonna do

real well in jail.

You're gonna have so

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