American Dirtbags Page #9

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I knew you could do that.

- She makes me eat

her box all the time,

but I get extra sandwiches, so.

I miss you so much.

- Wait, what did you just say?

- I have to eat her

box all the time,

but it's ok, cause I

get extra sandwiches

and the other girls

don't f*** with me

cause they think I'm

her b*tch, so,

I just want to touch you.

- I guess it's prison,

right, you gotta survive.

- Yeah, babe, I'm

doing it all for you.

- Yeah?

- I'm eating a lot

of p*ssy for you.

I missed you so much.

- I missed you, baby.

- - F*** this place.

When I got out, there was

Gary with a hit of acid

with my name on it.

It was like I never left.

I wasn't about to go

back, though, f*** that.

- Come on.

- I had to eat so much p*ssy

in jail, I can't go back.

- What's wrong with

eating some p*ssy?

- T.J. Came over

one day trying to get me

to drive him to Alabama

to do a drug deal.

I know, dude, I'm sorry, no.

The money would have been

nice, and two years prior,

I probably would

have gone with him,

I wasn't f***ing

with that sh*t now.

You know who I ran

into the other day?

F***ing Victor, Victor

will totally do it.

Victor from crossroads.

- F***ing Vicki!

- - Yeah.

He's got a car.

- Oh, sh*t.

- - He lives in town

he'll do it.

- And he is such a f***ing putz.

Not that that matters,

though, this is totally legit.

- To be honest, Gary

probably would have done it.

I didn't even want to

give him that option,

it's just too risky,

which is f***ed up,

because I don't think any

drug should be illegal.

Like I said, it's not

that they don't want you

to be doing drugs, they

just want you to be

a mindless worker

doing their drugs.

And they definitely don't

want you doing acid.

They try to scare you and say

you'll think you're an orange

and be terrified that people

are going to peel you.

What they fail to

mention is that

Steve Jobs came up

with apple on it,

or that Francis crick

credits it for paving the way

to him discovering

the double helix.

Not to mention Jim

Morrison, Matt Groening,

bill Hicks, Trey

Parker, Matt stone,

f***ing ray Charles, and

countless other artists used it

and created the most

bitchin' sh*t ever.

Free thinking and

innovative thought,

the government's arch Nemesis.

The first time I candy-flipped,

I had an out of body experience.

- Babe, you ok?

- Candy-flipping is

when you eat acid and ecstasy

at the same time.

I left this f***ing world.

I was greeted by Ra,

the Egyptian sun god.

He saw me and noticed

that I saw him.

Letters, numbers, and shapes

started pouring out of him

and swirling around my body.

In that moment, I

understood infinitely small

and infinitely large

at the same time.

And then I realized

that I was apep,

the Egyptian serpent god,

and the shapes, and numbers,

and letters started pouring

out of my body as well.

Paisleys and more secret

writings started showing up

all over our faces.

And then we were pulled together

and became one god,

shrunk into a tiny ball

and exploded,

creating the universe.

I'm not sure how long I was

there, but when I came to,

things were different.

From that moment

forward, I was on a quest

to get back to that place.

I probably candy-flipped

with Gary a hundred times,

but still, no gods.

- Was crucified,

dead and buried.

He descended into

hell, the third day,

he rose again from the dead.

He ascended into

heaven and sitteth

on the right hand of

god, the father almighty.

Maker of heaven and earth.

I believe in god,

the father almighty,

maker of heaven and

earth and Jesus Christ,

his only son, our lord.

- Shut up.

- Conceived by the holy ghost,

born of the virgin Mary,

suffered under conscious power,

was crucified dead and

buried, he descended into hell

the third day

- help me.

- He rose again from the dead.

He ascended into

heaven and sitteth

on the right hand side of

god, the father almighty.

From thence he shall come to

judge the quick and the dead.

I believe in the holy ghost,

the holy catholic church,

the communion of saints

that bring

- oh my god,

let's kiss the statues.

- The resurrection of the body,

the lies that are lied.

- I want you so much.

I want you to be beautiful.

Look at me, I want

you to be beautiful.

I want you to be beautiful.

F***, f***, f***,

not again, f***!

Babe, babe, please,

wake up, babe.

F***, f***, f***!

- What was it?

What had happened to

me that first time?

Where did I go,

what did it mean?

Was it divine?

It felt like a message

from a higher power.

I'll probably never know,

I'm probably never

going to find out.

I'm probably going back to jail.

F***.

- My name is Terry Wilson,

but everyone just

calls me Bigfoot.

Now there's no denying things

didn't turn out as I planned.

But that just goes to show

you how one lapse in judgment

can destroy even the

best of intentions.

Typically, I don't slip up.

I'm normally a very

detail-oriented guy.

In my line of work,

you kind of have to be.

Say some dirtbag owes my

boss a shitload of money.

If he can't pay in a

reasonable amount of time,

and he gets a reasonable

amount of time,

I give him a little visit.

Forget to pay someone?

What I can't, I can't

hear you, what'd you say?

If I have to come back

again, you're f***ing dead.

And sometimes, things go south,

and I end up having to

kill the f***ing dope.

If I'm not detail-oriented, I

could get busted for murder.

And that sh*t ain't happenin'.

My wife would be pissed.

I work for a man named

little bankingie.

He's a bad motherf***er.

- Hey, look who showed

up, it's Bigfoot.

- Sorry, I'm late,

finishing up a job.

- Oh, that's all right we

haven't' even ordered yet.

Everybody, this is Bigfoot,

best guy on my crew.

You know Jack, his

lovely wife Janet.

Beautiful daughter Alice,

and my wife Carol.

- Carol.

- Bigfoot, huh?

- We hit it off immediately.

Couldn't keep our dirty

mitts off each other.

Real quick, if I could

get everyone's attention

before we start eating.

Just wanted to say a few things.

Little bankingie,

it's been a pleasure

being able to work with

you for the last few years.

I really feel like I'm

a part of your family,

and you've done more for me

than I could ever tell you,

so, thank you.

For the last few

months, actually,

have been the best few

months of my entire life.

And, uh, if it's ok with you.

- Ho, ho, ho, oh, sh*t

- Alice,

will you marry me?

We had a Jewish wedding.

Now, neither of us are

Jewish, I mean, Christ,

we're not even religious.

She just thought it'd be

fun to break the glass.

You know Alice knew what I did

for a living going into this,

and for me, that

was the best part.

Before Alice I dated

this broad named Margot.

The whole f***ing time

she thought I was a personal

assistant for some rich guy.

And we were together

for three years.

Lived together and everything.

- So goodnight.

- - G'night, love you.

- Love you.

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