American Dirtbags Page #8

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no angels, no dead

relatives, just, nothingness.

That might sound

bad to some people,

but I think it's

kind of comforting.

It sucks there's no heaven,

but thank god there's no hell.

And no magical power

watching over your every move

and judging you from the clouds.

I did six months rehab,

got two years probation,

and got 200 hours of

community service.

When I got back, Jimmy had

moved into his own apartment

and started selling meth,

and we were doing the f***

out of that sh*t, too.

I'll never forget my first line.

Now I had done cocaine

and snorted Molly, too.

So when Jay cut me

out this tiny line,

I didn't think it

was gonna be sh*t.

Whoo, holy sh*t.

It was like f***ing rocket fuel.

I was still in high school, too.

Started getting straight A's.

Seeing anti-drug

ads makes me laugh.

The government plays it

off like all drugs are bad

and just say no.

The truth is, they just want

you to be doing their drugs.

What do you think Adderall is?

Just government-regulated speed.

I started hanging out

with some of the friends

I made at rehab and we

would go party in Atlanta.

Jimmy was making so

much money selling meth

that I didn't have to

have a job and got to stay

nice and f***ed up all the time.

If you don't sleep

for three days

you naturally start

hallucinating.

Add a powerful methamphetamine

to the equation,

and you get shadow people.

- Where the f*** are

my f***ing sunglasses?

Buh, fuh, hey, hey!

Where the f*** are my

f***ing sunglasses?

F*** you!

- I felt like Jimmy owned me.

- God damn it.

You fat, stupid c*nt, help me!

Help!

- I felt trapped, like

a prisoner in a p.O.W. Camp

with no way out.

And I stopped going to probation

so I couldn't call the cops

and no one f***ing cared.

And then.

Hello?

Oh, hey Gilberto.

Thank f***ing god

Gilberto called.

A few years back, I picked

up Gilberto hitchhiking.

He was on his way to

Atlanta and so were we.

Cause, you know, that's

how hitchhiking works.

He was totally stranded

and totally illegal.

Just tryin' to get to

his brother's house.

We got him there safe and

he felt indebted to me.

And two years later,

he came to visit.

The next morning, I left Jimmy

and moved to Atlanta

with Gilberto.

It's kind of funny, I wanted

to get away from Jimmy

and all the meth, but if

it weren't for the meth,

I wouldn't have been

able to speak Spanish.

So three times a week we had

to meet with this shady guy

that prepped us for

the ins interviews.

- So where'd you guys meet?

- Church, we met at church.

- No, you didn't meet at church.

You're a hot chick,

you don't go to church,

that's not believable,

don't say that,

you're gonna get in trouble.

You guys slip up once, you're

going to jail, you realize?

You wanna use the church

thing just say, uh,

you were picking your

grandmother up from church

and you saw him cuttin'

the lawn out front

and you thought he was hot.

Go with that, that's

more believable.

- Ok.

- Ok.

Get your stories straight.

What's your favorite

position when you guys f***?

- Cowgirl.

- - Inside.

- Inside what?

- Inside her.

- Yeah, of course

it's gonna be inside.

Where else would it be,

would it be outside?

You ever f***ed a girl outside?

- Yes.

- What, how?

- You grab the breast,

and you put your

penis in between 'em.

Not too much force,

you just have to have

the right amount of force,

and then you put your

penis in between it,

and you go up and

down, fast or slow,

it doesn't matter,

I just go slow.

- That's called titty-f***ing.

That's not, that's

not real f***ing.

You're not actually inside of

her, you're outside of her.

Ok, it doesn't f***ing count.

You can't slip up

like that and tell

the guy interrogating you

that you like titty-f***ing.

You guys need to

f***, you need to know

what you're favorite position,

they're gonna ask you stuff

like, does he have a big dick,

they're gonna ask him that.

- You have a big dick?

- - Yes.

- No you don't.

- - Ok.

- Let me f*** her, and then

I'll tell you how she is.

I'll compare notes, I'll

give it back to you.

Cause I'm not gonna

fall in love with her.

I've had hot chicks

like that before.

And I'm not gonna charge

you guys extra, either.

That's a free service

I have, I know you guys

are strapped for money and

stuff, that'll be free,

but I'm helping out

by doing it, dude.

Don't think that

I'm just, you know.

- Thank you.

- Let's exchange numbers and,

um, I'm gonna go jerk off

thinking about how

much you like cowgirl.

That's awesome.

- Thanks.

And then, we got married.

I got off the speed and

started hanging out with t.J.

And let's be honest, we

were definitely doing drugs,

but at least it wasn't meth.

At least I wasn't seeing

f***ing shadow people.

- Ladies first, get you

some of that a-t-l coke.

Yeah, right, hell, yeah.

Dude, I f***ing

met Sarah in rehab.

- And that's how I met Gary.

Nice to meet you.

My true love.

Gary was an acid head.

He smoked pot and

did blow, sure,

but his favorite thing

was psychedelics.

So obviously he was the first

person I dropped Lucy with.

How long's it gonna

take to kick in?

- Relax, babe, sometimes an

hour, sometimes 15 minutes.

- You think I'm gonna like it?

- You're gonna f***ing love it.

- Whoa, I think it's working.

Holy sh*t.

Look at the trails,

do you see the trails?

- I feel my ears.

- My hands are so big.

It was wild, I f***ing loved it.

- Is that a real poncho or

is that a sears' poncho?

- It's a Mexican poncho.

The sky was filled

with rainbows,

and the cracks in

the floor were alive.

After a few months, me and

Gary moved in together.

We would stay up

snuggling at night

and trip nuts on the weekend.

We were perfect for each other.

We were both curious

about doing heroin.

Neither one of us

had ever tried it,

and we were totally interested.

The first f***ing time I did,

I had my second od.

- I f***ing love you, baby.

- I love you, too.

We partied all night on it,

nodding off here and there,

but present for most of it.

- Just give me a second.

- You need help?

- - Yeah.

- I even remember

Gary trying to f*** me,

but he couldn't cause

he had dope dick.

- Babe?

Babe?

F***, f***.

F***, f***, f***!

- That time, I was

legally dead for nine minutes.

I suppose I'm always

trying to outdo myself.

If you skip out on probation,

they put a warrant

out for your arrest.

They don't go looking for you,

they expect you

to f*** up again.

I went to prison, if

it weren't for Gary,

I probably would

have slit my wrists.

I, I miss you.

- I miss you, too.

- I just want to touch you.

- I know, me, too.

- I saved someone's life.

- Yeah?

- - Yeah.

- Tell me.

- Um, my roommate Alaina,

she was, uh, trying to light

a f***ing cigarette

with the outlet

and she electrocuted herself.

- What an idiot.

- Yeah, she's a real dumbass.

And, um, I gave her CPR,

and I saved her life.

- F***ing awesome, babe,

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