American High School Page #8

trust me...

...all of a sudden

the frown is upside down.

You be all like, "Thank you, Jonny.

Thank you for that cock. "

And I'll be like, "No problem.

You want some more cock?"

And then you'll be like,

"Yes, please. "

And I'll be like, "No problem.

Got plenty of cock here. "

And it'll be great!

And you'll be like...

...on account of my great girth.

- Yeah!

- Wow.

See, look. Yeah.

You're opening up already.

Look, you're going through

a divorce...

...which, by the way, sucks!

I mean, you graduate high school like,

"Hey, I'm divorced already...

...and I'm boring

on top of that. "

Nobody wants to eat that cake.

The point is,

you're having fun now;

...it's prom night;

you got a crown tonight, right?

- We both got crowns.

- Yeah.

- Now come on.

- I did.

Let's have some fun.

What do you say?

Okay.

Awesome!

Ow.

- What!

- What?

You were, like, practically

asking for it. What are you doing?

Where... why are you leaving?

Don't leave.

Oh... Ho!

Ha! Yeah, leave.

Ha. Ha.

I'm so stupid!

Oh, no!

#You're feeling kinda sad #

#You've been a little bad #

#To the girl who

was just in your car #

#And now she's gone away #

- # And never gonna stay... #

- What are you doing?

Get it together, man.

I'm cheering you up.

I'm making fun of this situation.

Look at you:

you're a disgrace.

Hey, look at me, look at me,

look at me.

- Can't!

- What is your name? Huh?

What is your name?

J- J-J-J...

J... What's your name?

- Jonny.

- Jonny. That's right. That's right.

Students, parents and faculty...

...welcome to the commencement

ceremonies for American High School.

Principal Mann

wanted to be here today...

...but something very important

came up at the last minute.

So now I ask you to stand up

and receive your diplomas.

Gwen:
So I actually made it to

graduation without bailing out.

Doogie was right:

...all I needed was

a little confidence.

I may not have aced Seuss's class,

but I sure did learn a lot...

...about who I am

and what I want in life.

Seuss:
I enjoyed your brave

struggle against alcoholism.

Jonny? Jonny, I say.

- Wha' is it, Matt?

- Well, wha' it is is...

...prom was so much fun, I think it's

the littl' things that matter.

And the littl' things like

her not makin' prom queen...

...were very very excitin'

and fun to me.

I think that the fact that

I won the crown durin' prom...

- is totally fantabulous.

- Shut up!

I must've drunk me about

seven aluminum cans of Guinness.

I don' know what you're sayin',

but all I heard was...

- Prom was awesome, I got a crown...

- Shut up!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

the graduating class...

...of American High School!

Well, I'm glad it's finally over.

Closure can be

a beautiful thing.

I really don't think

graduation's that important.

I was talking about

the divorce papers.

Hey. Hey, don't be so

hard on yourself.

You gave it

your best shot, right?

You know what I don't

understand, though?

I mean, people look at me...

...they seem to forget that

I'm a dad too.

I mean, all I ever wanted was

for my little girl to be happy.

You know what?

She nearly had me convinced...

...that you were the one.

Gwen:
And even more surprisingly...

...my dad stuck up for me

for once.

He may have actually

turned over a new leaf.

To be honest, I never thought

she'd sign the papers.

Are you really gonna

marry this guy?

Are you serious?

This is a very rich man.

Sometimes you just gotta

go with the flow.

Who says life is fair, huh?

I'm gonna go munch me

some Candi.

I want a little p*ssy.

I mean, why not?

I got a dick; I could stick it in,

have a good time.

F***!

What kind of a classless whore

would f*** TeePee?

One that I'm in love with?

Yeah, perfect.

Maybe this'll kill me.

Hilary, Hilary, Hilary.

- Hey, b*tch.

- Whoo hoo.

- Hey, loser.

- Couldn't help but notice...

...a lack of something up here...

a lot of space.

Lack of brains. I think you

wish you were awesome.

Gwen:
After Hilary lost prom queen...

...things kind of started

falling apart for her.

I guess she finally learned

an age-old lesson:

quit being such a whore!

We are so not friends anymore.

I've always hated you.

- Always.

- B*tch.

I wouldn't bang you

with TeePee's dick.

Yeah, b*tch.

- B*tch.

- B*tch.

And you got a fat ass, whore.

- And big arms.

- Yeah, I said it: whore!

- Huge!

- Three times:
whore.

Hey, I don't want to interrupt

the pity party over here...

...but... You know, I'm no math

major or anything...

...but there's one of me, two of you.

What do you say we add each other up...

- And have a foursome?

- Can't wait!

- I love it!

- Later, b*tches.

- I am awesome!

- Bye.

You know, now that you're not hanging

out with old hair extensions...

I thought maybe we could...

- Just the two of us.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- All three?

Wh-what? No.

What the f***?

Don't tell anybody about this, TeePee,

but I'm desperate.

Ooh, a gummy worm.

That teeth thing

creeped me out.

I put 'em in!

So that's me:

school-conquering...

...man-eating, Satan-slaying...

...independent me.

And this time, I'm in charge.

Oh, and I almost forgot...

I'm not pregnant!

Sometimes life really blows.

But it's up to you to sit back...

...relax, and enjoy the blowj*b.

So after graduation...

Hilary started her own

mentors' program...

...to teach young girls

the importance of confidence...

...and aim.

It was very successful.

It would have it that Jonny,

Matt and Holden started a boy band.

Three guesses what

their name was.

Shocking, I know.

More shocking...

...is that their record

actually hit top 10.

Worst records ever!

Candi cleaned up Kip's act...

...and the two of them opened up

a rape-help clinic for young women.

They're both very happy.

Principal Mann and Miss Apple ended up

reconciling their differences...

...and found love...

with one another.

Don't feel bad for Mr. Seuss, though.

The PTA declared him principal.

And as for me,

who knows what's next?

That's kind of the great part.

The world is my non-conflict diamond...

...or oyster or whatever.

And if Hilary taught me anything...

...it's to go after what I want

with everything in me.

And as I recently discovered,

that happens to be a lot.

#One, two #

#Now it's true, you gotta go

go, get out on your own #

#You gotta be free,

I can do it alone #

#You know I owe it

all to you #

#One, two,

now we're through #

#Well, I fought off my demons #

#I've saved the world

#I'm so sick of screaming #

#That I'm weak in the knees #

#Now I know what

you're thinking #

#But you should know

that I don't care #

#I'm so moving on #

#'Cause you'll never

be pleased #

#Now I can turn

my head off #

#Relax, put down my hair #

#I can do it

in one shot #

#I can make you

disappear #

#You gotta go, go

get out on your own #

#You gotta be free,

I can do it alone #

#You know I owe it

all to you #

#One, two,

now we're through #

#You gotta go, go

get out on your own #

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