American High School Page #7

she's fuckable...

...and you're sitting here with

a guy with a mustache...

...and a two-inch penis.

- Oh!

- I know.

Lower.

Yeah.

You need to go

after what you want.

Thanks.

Listen, I'm not

picking sides, okay?

There are no sides, okay?

There's one thing

that controls relationships.

What's that?

The penis. Yeah.

Let me ask you this: What does a guy

with a 12-inch penis eat for breakfast?

I don't know.

What do they eat?

Let's see, this morning

I had waffles...

...uh, some jelly on some toast.

But listen, you need to

move forward.

- You've got to stop looking backward.

- I know.

You need more confidence.

I know you have it.

- Okay?

- Thanks, Doogie.

You're welcome.

Gwen:
Doogie's the best, isn't he?

- You want to f*** or not?

- What?

God!

#They got me thinking naughty #

#And I want to put my hands

on that booty... Booty #

#Not trying to offend you #

#But I want to

get up in you #

#I can't hold it back,

you're so sexy... #

Good evening, boys and girls!

All:

Good evening, Mr. Mann.

Thank you.

It's been a good night.

Man, you rock!

Right back at ya, sweet pea.

All right, this is the main part

of our ceremony.

It's the climax of the prom.

And that means it's

queen time!

So let's have those ladies

move to the front right now.

With that being said...

...our prom queen is...

Gwen Adams!

Thattagirl!

Let's give it up for Gwen Adams.

Gwen:
Oh, I almost feel bad.

Yeah, right!

At this point, you probably think

I cheated the system, huh?

I mean, I didn't even

campaign that hard.

But you're wrong:

I won fair and square.

Well, almost.

Don't judge me.

You would have done

the same thing.

I'm proud of you, kiddo.

All right, with that being said...

...it's time for our prom king!

What you mean, "prom king"?

Oh, come on, man.

Every prom has a prom king...

- And a queen.

- You suck!

All right, I can't help that you guys

spend all your time and money...

...votin' on the hos.

So with that, I'm gonna invoke

executive decision.

Varsity champion,

our captain...

Jonny Awesome!

Awesome! Ahh!

Fifth year in a row, baby.

What!

Whoo! Ha ha! Whoo!

Whoo!

Wow. Ha ha!

This is totally unexpected.

- Totally unexpected.

- I mean, I didn't even expect it.

- Didn't expect it.

- I mean, it's a total shocker.

- It's a shocker... Capital S.

- Matty?

Uh, first I would

first and foremost...

- Like to thank...

- B*tches.

...all the b*tches.

Secondly, I'd like to thank...

- Hos.

- ...All the hos.

- Thirdly, I just want to thank...

- B*tches and hos.

...all the b*tches

and the hos.

- You're a ho.

- She knows she's a ho.

And I don't know why

I'm talking like a reverend...

...but I want to preach to you!

Who's gonna pledge $100?

Who's gonna pledge $100?

#Because we're awesome! #

- Ho!

- That's... That's how I sing.

Uh, Gwen? Ahem...

Ha ha.

Uh, now me and

your queen of the prom...

- Shall dance, shall we?

- Matt:
Shall we dance?

Yeah, I think we're supposed to.

Awesome.

Mann:
Let me get your attention.

Let me get your attention!

Allow me to introduce to you

Principal Mann's personal friend...

...international recording artist

Trini Lpez!

"La Bamba!"

You too.

You too. You too.

I'm sorry, my lips are really tired.

Maybe next time.

Come here.

Jonny shouldn't treat you like that.

Uh-oh!

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

I got it, I got it.

I always have a problem

getting it up.

Okay.

How you doin', Holden?

I'm good, buddy.

How you doin', Doogie?

Me? I'm stoned.

Hey, you want my advice?

- Not really.

- You don't want my advice?

I know you're not gonna take it.

You better list... Listen to me.

Listen to me.

That hurts, doesn't it?

No, it doesn't hurt.

I lost sensation in my left nipple...

- Is there a problem here?

- Damn.

- Huh? Is there a problem here?

- Yeah...

- Adams?

- No, I'm good.

- He's my b*tch.

- What?

Sounds like you come from

a loving family there, Holden.

- It's amazing, Doogie.

- Wow.

- Doogie?

- Yeah.

Look at Gwen.

You've been examining her, right?

I'm gonna be real with you

for a second.

I want to lick her up and down

and bite her ass like a meatball.

Oh.

- You know...

- Yeah?

...I'm telling you,

f***ing teenagers.

- Isn't it best?

- It is good.

Hey, Brian.

- Hi.

- Mind if I sit down?

- Hello.

- Yeah, I voted for "bush. "

Hello, lovely.

Awesome people don't do drugs,

you know what I mean?

Gwen, what are you doing?

What the f*** are you doing?

- What the f*** are you doing?

- Bro, my sash.

- Ow!

- Listen.

- Seriously, ow.

- Listen! Listen! Listen to me!

- You are so high-strung.

- Stop! No! Why are you so good-looking?

I'm sick of it. You're so awesome

and you're so good-looking and I'm not.

I'm not good-looking

and I'm not awesome!

- I know, baby. I know.

- I'm not. I'm not.

I know, I know. Come here.

Let it out.

- Just come on, let it out.

- I'm not!

I'm not and look!

- Ow! You always hit me.

- Sorry, dude.

- Oh, ow! Ow!

- Ow! Ow!

- Ow ow!

- Now you're really hitting me.

- Ow!

- You're really hitting me.

- My crown!

- Oh!

I will f*** you in the ass so f***ing

hard, you have no f***ing idea.

I'm just kidding.

I wouldn't hurt you.

- Yeah. Yeah. Awkward.

- Never again.

- I'm gonna leave now.

- Yeah.

Whew! Wow.

I mean, he's not

bad looking, but...

Hey.

- What?

- No p*ssy for you.

I will uppercut your face,

random bearded guy!

That's right. I'll do a f***ing ollie

all over this skate park...

...with your f***ing dick-ass

Miyagi ass!

Yeah!

- Get away from me!

- Stop! Stop.

Stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you, Gwen.

- Really? When is that?

- Yeah.

When you're dancing with Hilary or

when you're f***ing her?

She's nothing! She's nothing!

Don't ruin my night.

She's nothing!

#I gotta tell you that

I never ever felt this way... #

Ooh! There you are!

You have ruined everything.

This is my prom, okay?

You see that band over there?

That's mine.

This whole entire prom is mine.

Everybody here is

for me, okay?

And you are ruining it!

Listen, the only reason

that you are even here...

...that you are even in this place

is because of me...

...is because I want to be

prom queen!

And it's not because of me,

it's all me! Don't you get it?

It's all about me and me...

F*** you, slut!

Oh my God.

Did you see that?

She just got hit in the face.

Of course I saw it.

- You just got hit in your face.

- Oh my God.

I'm gonna throw my peanuts at you

'cause you're stupid.

- Let's go kick a puppy.

- Oh, is there a puppy here?

That's it... Just mess with it a little.

I haven't seen

your dad in a minute.

He's with Zoey.

Oh!

He's probably banging her right now.

Awesome!

Why do you always say "awesome"?

I mean, we get it.

Yeah, you're so awesome.

You wear the hat.

"Ooh, awesome!

Awesomeness, man!"

You're a b*tch. Yeah.

No wonder Holden divorced you.

Suck a dick for crying out loud.

Suck my dick, okay?

You're sucking my dick,

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