AmeriQua Page #6

- Follow me.

Race you to the end

of the street?

- Okay.

Wait, this is me right here.

- Oh, um...

- Oh, this is me.

- Oh, it's nice.

Listen, I've got to go.

Uh...

- Why don't you come up

for a minute?

Get a coffee?

I'm on the first floor.

- I-I've got to poo.

Bye.

- Okay...

[Sighs]

- Lele, lele, lele.

Lele, lele, lele.

- Oh!

[Speaking Italian]

- Turn off the TV.

- [Speaking Italian]

- Turn off the TV.

- [Speaking Italian]

- Is that f***ing videotape?

- No, it's not

f***ing videotape.

It's lecce-bari.

Quattro a zero, 2007.

- Look, we have

a f***ing problem with carmine.

- So does everyone else.

Carmine is crazy for Valentina.

So maybe you have

the worst problem.

- Listen to me, man.

He was following me today.

He saw me with Vicky.

- Shh.

Now we relax our minds,

okay?

And I think about it.

And the best meditation for me

is to watch calcio on TV.

- Oh, goddamn it, man.

Are you kidding?

- Now I finish this, and then we

can watch lecce-bologna,

lecce-udinese, lecce-inter,

okay?

You understand?

[Speaking Italian]

Carmine's just an a**hole.

- Didn't your mom teach you

to close the door?

You know that can be

very dangerous.

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Chuckles]

Get out of my f***ing face.

I have a message for you

from don farina.

- Ah!

F***!

"I want my package now."

- [Sputtering]

What package?

- You know what package.

The one that you stole

from my friend vito.

- The f***ing neapolitan guy?

- Yeah, him.

You know stealing's

a very, very bad crime,

and possibly the worst thing

you guys ever did.

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

You guys are gonna be

at Valentina's party tonight.

Well, so will I.

So make sure

you bring the package.

Or...

I will pay a visit

to that cute little blonde

American girlfriend of yours.

Sit down.

Sit down.

I know the way.

- [Sputters]

Lele, what the f*** was that?

In English.

- Okay.

Carmine thinks Charlie stole

from these neapolitan guys,

and he did it.

You stole their bus.

So the package

must be in the bus.

I call a friend.

They go pick it up.

[Phone line beeps]

[Frantic violin music]

- [Screaming]

- [Speaking Italian]

Ciao, ciao, ciao.

Ciao.

[Speaking Italian]

- [Singing in Italian]

- Go to the mafia party.

- Ciao, ciao.

- This is your plan b?

- Tranquillo, tranquillo.

Men in black.

You are so nice.

Valentina gave you the suit,

yes?

Very mafia.

Do something dirty, yes?

[Applause]

Ah!

Some food!

- Lele, just promise me

you're gonna take this

f***ing seriously.

Just--look.

Just do two things, all right?

- Two things.

- No talking to girls.

- No?

- No drinking.

- No drinking.

- What?

- Fast hands.

Like "bouffant," you know?

- Buffoon.

Sergio.

Thanks.

[Singing in Italian]

- Charlie, Charlie.

- Vale!

- Ciao.

I have to introduce you

to everyone.

- You do?

- Yeah.

- Lele.

- Come with me.

- [Speaking Italian]

- Mama.

- Si?

- Mama, meet Charlie.

- Charlie!

- Uh, buono sera,

signora ferracane.

- [Speaking Italian]

- Charlie,

welcome.

- Signor ferracane.

- Listen...

Just because my wife

and my daughter like you

doesn't mean I have to.

Try not to cause

any more trouble.

Please.

- Of course.

- Okay?

Remember.

- Hey.

Come with me.

- [Speaking Italian]

- Scusa.

My father is in many ways

antiquated.

- Well, it was nice of him

to speak in English.

- Valentina, vieni.

- See you in a bit.

- So, motherf***er,

isn't it just great when you

meet your new parents-in-law,

American?

Or shall I call you

Mr. Charlie Edwards?

This belongs to you, right?

So where's that little package

that belongs to me?

- Do you need it now?

- No, I needed it

ten minutes ago, motherf***er.

- Lele has it.

- What?

- I'll go get him.

- Yeah.

Unless you want me

and my friends to go get him.

- No, I'll go get him.

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- Lele.

- Charlie, Eleanor.

She's Eleanor.

- Eleanor.

- Ciao.

- We play doctors

when we work it.

- Stronzo.

- Grazie.

- What do you mean, "grazie"?

- Lele, come on.

Carmine wants their bag now.

I'd give him a fake one,

but I don't even know

what it looks like.

- [Singing in Italian]

- Lele, lele.

It's the neapolitans.

And they have a bag.

- Maybe it's for carmine.

He doesn't work for free.

You see that bag?

You see, we want that bag, okay?

You understand, yes?

- How do we get it?

- Okay.

Step one,

lele creates a grand casino,

a big mess.

- [Speaking Italian]

- Step two?

- Charlie steals the bag.

- From the mafia?

- Do you prefer to go

on the stage to dance, eh?

- No, I don't want to do

either of those things.

That's your plan?

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

[All speaking Italian]

- [Singing in Italian]

- [Yelling in Italian]

- Hey.

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Mutters]

- [Speaking Italian]

Send in the clowns!

- [Speaking Italian]

- What's going on?

- Bravi, bravi!

- I hate clowns.

- It's a gift from the king

of bullshit.

- [Speaking Italian]

[Whistles tweeting]

- Do you remember when we were

talking about carmine the--

look, it's really important.

Um...

- [Speaking Italian]

- I can't tell you know.

It's too late.

I've got to go.

- Di napoli.

- Ah, di napoli.

[Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- If you want a plate,

we can use my plate.

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

[Horns honking

and whistles tweeting]

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Clears throat]

[Speaking Italian]

Valentina, Charlie?

Where are you?

Come on up the stage.

Come--

[Speaking Italian]

[Applause]

[Speaking Italian]

Why don't you give us

a toast in English, huh?

Don't be shy.

Come on.

Do toast in English.

Come on, man, huh?

Take it away.

[Applause]

- Scusa.

- You know, it's kind of

interesting to be an American

in Italy without any money,

trying to find, you know,

my way home.

- [Speaking Italian]

- You know, we in America

have a lot of traditions

that we brought--

or that we've--you know,

that your children

have passed down to--I mean,

that your parents gave us--

that your ancestors--

- [speaking Italian]

- And--but, you know, we have a

way of updating those traditions

to, you know, kind of suit

the modern world.

Um, for example, you know,

it's not, like,

totally unheard of

that a couple would get married

in their 40s.

- [Speaking Italian]

[Laughter and applause]

Clang!

- Oh, sh*t!

It's a real plate.

- [Speaking Italian]

I'll kill you!

[All muttering in Italian]

- Valentina!

[Speaking Italian]

- Signor ferracane,

I would never hurt

your daughter.

Look, she means the world to me.

Please, I would never,

ever hurt her.

It was a mistake.

- A mistake?

That was a mistake?

So when I saw you...

[Makes kissing noises]

Kiss that American girl today,

that was a mistake too,

Mr. Charlie f***ing Edwards?

- No, no.

I didn't kiss any American girl.

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