Amigo Undead Page #2

No, that only happens to little kids

because they have soft, weak hands.

That doesn't even make sense.

All right. I'm sorry,

it was a bad idea, okay?

New Norm. I'm sorry,

can you find it in your

heart to forgive me?

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah. I'm glad you're here,

bring it in, little bro.

What the hell is this?

Housewarming gifts.

Where is your new place?

You're looking at it, man.

Wait, this isn't a place.

Yeah, it is.

The sovereign nation of Normania.

I got a great deal on it too,

the guy who sold it to me

just wanted to get rid of it,

and he left all his

awesome sh*t here too.

When you say you bought a new place,

it usually means like

a house or an apartment.

Really? Oh.

I seem to have misplaced my dictionary,

but I'm pretty sure a place

is just any space in general.

So, we're camping out essentially,

wish you would have told me,

I would have prepared.

Well, here's my little Asian brother,

always worried about

details and preparation.

Great.

It's gonna be a great weekend.

Ah, see what were you worried about,

you had a change in clothes.

Well, when Norm is your brother,

you learn to prepare for anything.

Yo, Wayne, beer me.

- F***in' here, man.

- Thanks, bro.

Are you sure you should be

drinking that?

What... with your...

Ah, no, no, no.

Kevin, let me talk to you in private.

Look, man, I'd rather not talk about

the whole diabetes thing

in front of the guys.

I just wanna keep things

relaxed and fun.

Okay.

And as far as drinking and stuff goes,

look, I know it's not the best thing

but I kind of need to enjoy myself,

it's been a rough couple of months.

Right. Sorry.

Yeah.

So if you don't mind going and talking

to the guys while I...

Shoot up?

Shoot up? No you f***ing idiot, Insulin.

Oh, yeah, right.

Do that.

Yeah, I will.

Hey.

Hey.

So, how long have you guys known Norm?

I work at Bob's liquor,

I sell Norm booze

and anything else he wants.

If you know what I mean.

Like drugs.

I got it. I got it.

Maybe you should stop,

Norm doesn't need that stuff right now.

Oh.

I'm Norm's mailman. We've been

hanging out for about a year now,

you know, going hunting, fishing,

whatever gets us out of the house.

You know, I've got a real c*nt of a wife

and two kids that are pain in the ass.

How about you?

How do you know Norm?

I'm his brother.

But you're Asian.

Yeah. I'm adopted,

we covered that already.

Oh, I remember.

Hey, what was that like growing up?

I mean, did you feel...

Did you feel less loved?

I mean, because I'm just

trying to figure out how

that all worked out with you?

Well, on the contrary, I actually

felt quite loved as a child.

The way I see it,

adoption is a very

pre-meditated endeavor.

There's a lot of interviews

and paperwork to be signed.

A parent will only adopt if they really,

really want a child.

Whereas I just kind of oozed out

of mom's p*ssy, right, Kev?

I guess mom and dad didn't wanna

make the same mistake twice.

So, what are we doing, Norm?

What's the plan?

This.

Chillaxing, bro.

So. We're gonna sit out here

in the dessert for two days?

I don't know, it's my f***ing birthday,

why do I have to think of everything?

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, that is so good.

Hey, Norm,

what's the deal with this guy?

Well, that's just Jovan.

So, does he just live out here

or hang out in the bushes?

No. He comes out with me,

but he does his own thing.

Yeah, whatever that means.

I think he wants us to follow him.

Well, I don't know about that.

Well, what the hell, right?

All right.

F***.

Mira.

This is interesting.

Did you build all this?

Si.

Wow. It turned out great, amigo.

What the hell is this thing?

Jovan's side project.

He's obsessed with the old west.

He's a nut on the subject.

He even calls me the Duke.

Wow. Thanks, Jovan.

You didn't have to get me anything.

None of this other a**holes did.

Hammer time?

Yeah. It's mine and Jovan's

construction company.

It's pretty bitchin'.

You've never built anything

in your entire life.

Oh, okay.

Well, first of all,

I made the sweetest

birdhouse in the world

when I was in cub scouts and secondly,

I'm the manager and Jovan is the

talent behind the operation.

Do you get any business?

Not yet, but good contractor can make

as much as a doctor or a lawyer.

I read that in a magazine.

Not all of us can be Asian, Kevin.

Some of us have to do

the work of the un-gifted.

- I didn't say anything.

- Yeah, you did.

Do you get any business?

Yeah, don't act all innocent.

Nah, I just think it's weird

that you spend your inheritance

on a junkyard in the desert

in a failed construction company.

Oh. And what did you do with yours?

Let me guess.

You saved it?

Yes.

Do you still work at that job you hate?

- Yes.

- Oh, jeez,

why didn't you quit?

You have all that money.

You... why just be miserable?

Because that's what people do.

Yeah. That makes sense.

Cuckoo.

My brother's Cuckoo.

Jovan. Jovan.

What the f***?

He's choking.

He needs the Heimlich.

One, two.

You're too f***ing weak.

Get away, get away.

Come on, buddy.

Ugh, come on, come on.

Oh, no.

F***! F***!

I can't feel his pulse, but maybe

I'm grabbing the wrong spot.

Get the f*** away numbskull.

I saw this on TV once.

No, no, no, no.

We need to take him to the hospital.

There's not a hospital

for f***ing 80 Miles.

- God, come on.

- Oh, God.

God. F***.

I don't hear anything.

I think he's dead, dudes.

I don't get it.

The Heimlich always works.

Oh, really?

Do you have a lot experience with that?

We got to get him to a hospital.

What are they gonna do?

He's dead.

It's what people do.

What the hell is your problem?

I don't know.

I mean...

I mean, it's still Norm's birthday,

you know, it'd be ashamed

to spoil the weekend.

Maybe we can just,

you know, drop him off Monday.

Right. So, we're gonna hang out

with a corpse sitting next to us.

A man just died.

So consider the weekend spoiled.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's just a suggestion.

Let's not get all bent out of shape.

Right. Let's get him in the truck.

Okay, everybody grab a limb.

We'll lift on three.

Okay. I'm gonna...

No, hold on. All right.

We got it?

Yeah, okay.

Here we go, ready?

One, two, three, pull.

What the f*** was that?

I'm all right.

Accidental discharge.

Body check, body check,

head down, head down.

I'm good. I'm good.

Hey, is that a problem?

Jesus Christ, Wayne,

your f***ing gun shot.

Jovan in the chest.

It's okay, Norm.

I think he was already dead.

Yeah, but nobody else

is gonna know that.

We're gonna have to...

We're gonna have to rethink

this a little bit now.

Wait, why?

Well, if we bring in Jovan's body

with a bullet hole in it,

they're gonna think we killed him.

- Oh, jeez.

- We? It was your stupid gun.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, you know, there's

a lot of, you know,

booze and drugs lying around.

A guy got shot.

We're all gonna be suspects

is all what I'm saying

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes