And Now for Something Completely Different Page #5

---

- There, he moved.

- No, that was you pushing the cage.

- I didn't.

- Yes, you did

Hello, Polly!

Wakey, wakey!

Rise and shine.

This is your 9:
00 alarm call.

That's what I call

a dead parrot.

- No, he's stunned.

- Stunned?

Yeah, you stunned him

just as he was wakin' up.

- Norwegian blues stun easily.

- I've had enough of this.

That parrot is definitely deceased,

and when I bought it a half hour ago...

you assured me that

its total lack of movement...

was due to it being tired

and shagged out after a long squall.

Well, he's pining

for the fjords.

Pinin' for the fjords?

What kind of talk is that?

Look, why did it fall flat on its back

the minute I got it home?

Well, the Norwegian blue prefers

keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage.

Look, I took the liberty of examining

that parrot and I discovered...

the only reason it had been sitting

on its perch in the first place...

was that it had been

nailed there.

Oh, well, of course

it was nailed there.

If I hadn't nailed it there, it would

have muscled up to those bars and boom.

Look here mate.

This parrot wouldn't boom

if you put 4,000 volts through it.

It's bleedin' demised.

No, it's pining.

It's not pining,

it's passed on.

This parrot is no more.

It has ceased to be.

It's expired and

gone to see its maker.

This is a late parrot!

It's a stiff.

Bereft of Iife.

It rests in peace.

If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,

it would be pushing up the daisies.

It's run down the curtain

and joined the choir invisible.

This is an ex-parrot.

Well. I'd better

replace it then.

If you want to get anything done in

this country you've got to complain...

till you're blue in the mouth.

Sorry, squire.

We're right out of parrots.

I see.

I get the picture.

- I've got a slug.

- Does it talk?

Not really.

Well, it's scarcely

a replacement then, is it?

Listen. I didn't want

to work in a pet shop.

I wanted to be a lumberjack.

Sorry. This is irrelevant.

Yes, a lumberjack!

Yes, a lumberjack!

Leaping from trees as they float down

the mighty rivers of British Columbia.

The giant redwood!

The larch!

The fir!

The mighty Scotch pine!

What about my bloody parrot?

The smell of fresh-cut timber!

The crash of mighty trees.

With my best girl

by my side, we'd sing!

I'm a lumberjack

and I'm okay

I sleep all night

and I work all day

He's a lumberjack

and he's okay

He sleeps all night

and he works all day

I cut down trees

I eat my lunch

I go to the lavatory

On Wednesday

I go shopping

And have buttered scones for tea

He cuts down trees

He eats his lunch

He goes to the lavatory

On Wednesday

he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea

He's a lumberjack

and he's okay

He sleeps all night

and he works all day

I cut down trees

I skip and jump

I like to press wild flowers

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

He cuts down trees

He skips and jumps

He likes to press wild flowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars

He's a lumberjack

and he's okay

He sleeps all night

and he works all day

I cut down trees

I wear high heels

Suspenders and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa

- I cut down trees, I wear high heels

- He cuts down trees

Suspenders and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa

Oh, Brevers!

And I thought

you were so butch

Oh, you pansy!

And now for something

completely different.

Hello, darling.

Sorry I'm so late.

That's all right, darling.

I'm 20 minutes late myself.

- Let's not start worrying about that.

- It's nice here, isn't it?

Yes. A very good restaurant.

Five stars, you know?

- Really?

- Oh, yes. Terrific reputation.

Good evening, madame.

Good evening, sir.

May I say what a pleasure it is

to see you here again, sir?

Thank you. Apparently,

the boeuf en croute is fantastic.

If I may recommend, sir,

the faisan a la reine.

The sauce is one of the chef's

most famous creations.

- Mmm, that sounds very good.

- Sounds lovely.

Anyway, darling,

have a look at the menu.

See what you want.

Take your time.

By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty

fork. Could you get me another one?

- I beg your pardon?

- It's dirty. Could I get another fork?

- Sir, I do apologize.

- No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me.

No. I do apologize, sir.

I will fetch the headwaiter

immediatement.

No, please.

No need to do that.

Oh no.

I feel sure the headwaiter...

he will want to apologize

to you himself, personally.

I cannot think how this has happened.

I will fetch him at once.

Well, you certainly

get good service here, don't you?

Yes, they really

look after you here.

This all looks delicious.

Excuse me, sir, madame.

This is filthy.

Who the hell washes up?

Find out who washes up and give

them their cards immediately.

No! On second thought,

we can't take any chances.

- Sack the entire washing-up staff

- I don't want to cause any trouble.

It's quite right that you bring

this sort of thing to our attention.

Find the manager and tell him

what has happened immediately!

- Please, I don't want to make any fuss.

- Oh, no, there's no fuss.

We simply wish to ensure

that nothing interferes...

with your complete

enjoyment of the meal.

I'm sure it won't.

It was only a dirty fork.

I know, and I'm sorry.

Bitterly sorry.

But I know nothing I can say can alter

the fact that in this restaurant...

you have been given a dirty,

filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.

- It wasn't smelly.

- It is smelly.

And obscene and disgusting.

I hate it.

- That's enough, Gilberto.

- Dirty, nasty, smutty!

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, madame.

I'm the manager.

I've only just heard what's happened.

- May I sit down?

- Yes, of course.

I want to apologize

humbly, deeply and sincerely...

about the fork.

No. Really, it was only a tiny piece

of dirt. You can hardly see it.

Oh, you're good, kind,

fine people for saying that.

But I can see it.

To me it's Iike a boulder...

a vast bowl of pus.

- Oh, it's not that bad.

- No, it gets me here.

I can't give you any excuses.

There are no excuses.

I've been meaning to spend

more time in the restaurant...

but I haven't been well recently and

things have been going badly back there.

Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple

who prepares the salad...

can hardly move

her poor, swollen fingers.

And then, of course,

there's Gilberto's war wound.

But they're good people,

and they're fine people...

and together we were beginning

to get over this bad patch.

There was light

at the end of the tunnel...

when this...

when this happened!

- Can I get you some water?

- It's the end of the road!

You bastards!

You mean us?

You vicious,

heartless bastards!

Look what you've done to him.

He's worked his fingers to the bone

to make this place what it is!

And you come in here

with your petty...

vicious, heartless quibbling...

and you grind him

into the dirt.

This fine, honorable man...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes