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And Now for Something Completely Different Page #5
- PG
- Year:
- 1971
- 88 min
- 1,271 Views
- There, he moved.
- No, that was you pushing the cage.
- I didn't.
- Yes, you did
Hello, Polly!
Wakey, wakey!
Rise and shine.
This is your 9:
00 alarm call.That's what I call
a dead parrot.
- No, he's stunned.
- Stunned?
Yeah, you stunned him
just as he was wakin' up.
- Norwegian blues stun easily.
- I've had enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased,
and when I bought it a half hour ago...
you assured me that
its total lack of movement...
was due to it being tired
and shagged out after a long squall.
Well, he's pining
for the fjords.
Pinin' for the fjords?
What kind of talk is that?
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
the minute I got it home?
Well, the Norwegian blue prefers
keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage.
Look, I took the liberty of examining
that parrot and I discovered...
the only reason it had been sitting
on its perch in the first place...
was that it had been
nailed there.
Oh, well, of course
it was nailed there.
If I hadn't nailed it there, it would
have muscled up to those bars and boom.
Look here mate.
This parrot wouldn't boom
if you put 4,000 volts through it.
It's bleedin' demised.
No, it's pining.
It's not pining,
it's passed on.
This parrot is no more.
It has ceased to be.
It's expired and
gone to see its maker.
This is a late parrot!
It's a stiff.
Bereft of Iife.
It rests in peace.
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.
It's run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.
This is an ex-parrot.
Well. I'd better
replace it then.
If you want to get anything done in
this country you've got to complain...
till you're blue in the mouth.
Sorry, squire.
We're right out of parrots.
I see.
I get the picture.
- I've got a slug.
- Does it talk?
Not really.
Well, it's scarcely
a replacement then, is it?
Listen. I didn't want
to work in a pet shop.
I wanted to be a lumberjack.
Sorry. This is irrelevant.
Yes, a lumberjack!
Yes, a lumberjack!
Leaping from trees as they float down
the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
The giant redwood!
The larch!
The fir!
The smell of fresh-cut timber!
With my best girl
by my side, we'd sing!
I'm a lumberjack
and I'm okay
I sleep all night
and I work all day
He's a lumberjack
and he's okay
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
I cut down trees
I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory
On Wednesday
I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory
On Wednesday
he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
He's a lumberjack
and he's okay
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars
He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's clothing
He's a lumberjack
and he's okay
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
I cut down trees
I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
- I cut down trees, I wear high heels
- He cuts down trees
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
Oh, Brevers!
And I thought
you were so butch
Oh, you pansy!
And now for something
completely different.
Hello, darling.
Sorry I'm so late.
That's all right, darling.
I'm 20 minutes late myself.
- Let's not start worrying about that.
- It's nice here, isn't it?
Yes. A very good restaurant.
Five stars, you know?
- Really?
- Oh, yes. Terrific reputation.
Good evening, madame.
Good evening, sir.
May I say what a pleasure it is
to see you here again, sir?
Thank you. Apparently,
the boeuf en croute is fantastic.
If I may recommend, sir,
the faisan a la reine.
The sauce is one of the chef's
most famous creations.
- Mmm, that sounds very good.
- Sounds lovely.
Anyway, darling,
have a look at the menu.
See what you want.
Take your time.
By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty
fork. Could you get me another one?
- I beg your pardon?
- It's dirty. Could I get another fork?
- Sir, I do apologize.
- No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me.
No. I do apologize, sir.
I will fetch the headwaiter
immediatement.
No, please.
No need to do that.
Oh no.
I feel sure the headwaiter...
he will want to apologize
to you himself, personally.
I cannot think how this has happened.
I will fetch him at once.
Well, you certainly
get good service here, don't you?
Yes, they really
look after you here.
This all looks delicious.
Excuse me, sir, madame.
This is filthy.
Who the hell washes up?
Find out who washes up and give
No! On second thought,
we can't take any chances.
- Sack the entire washing-up staff
- I don't want to cause any trouble.
It's quite right that you bring
this sort of thing to our attention.
Find the manager and tell him
what has happened immediately!
- Please, I don't want to make any fuss.
- Oh, no, there's no fuss.
We simply wish to ensure
that nothing interferes...
with your complete
enjoyment of the meal.
I'm sure it won't.
It was only a dirty fork.
I know, and I'm sorry.
Bitterly sorry.
But I know nothing I can say can alter
the fact that in this restaurant...
you have been given a dirty,
filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
- It wasn't smelly.
- It is smelly.
And obscene and disgusting.
I hate it.
- That's enough, Gilberto.
- Dirty, nasty, smutty!
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madame.
I'm the manager.
I've only just heard what's happened.
- May I sit down?
- Yes, of course.
I want to apologize
humbly, deeply and sincerely...
about the fork.
No. Really, it was only a tiny piece
of dirt. You can hardly see it.
Oh, you're good, kind,
But I can see it.
To me it's Iike a boulder...
a vast bowl of pus.
- Oh, it's not that bad.
- No, it gets me here.
I can't give you any excuses.
There are no excuses.
I've been meaning to spend
more time in the restaurant...
but I haven't been well recently and
things have been going badly back there.
Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple
who prepares the salad...
can hardly move
her poor, swollen fingers.
And then, of course,
there's Gilberto's war wound.
But they're good people,
and they're fine people...
and together we were beginning
to get over this bad patch.
There was light
at the end of the tunnel...
when this...
when this happened!
- Can I get you some water?
- It's the end of the road!
You bastards!
You mean us?
You vicious,
heartless bastards!
Look what you've done to him.
He's worked his fingers to the bone
to make this place what it is!
And you come in here
with your petty...
vicious, heartless quibbling...
and you grind him
into the dirt.
This fine, honorable man...
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"And Now for Something Completely Different" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/and_now_for_something_completely_different_2824>.
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