And Now for Something Completely Different Page #6

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whose boots you

are not worthy to kiss!

Oh, it makes me mad.

Easy, Mongo! Easy.

Stark, stirring mad.

No, Mongo! Oh!

Oh, the wound!

They destroyed him!

It's the end! The end.

He's dead.

They killed him!

Revenge.

No, Mongo!

Never kill a customer.

Oh, the wound again.

They ruined him!

Lucky I didn't tell'em

about the dirty knife.

Good morning.

I'm a bank robber.

Please don't panic.

Just hand over all the money.

This is a Iingerie shop, sir.

Fine, fine.

Adopt, adapt and improve.

- Well, what have you got?

- We've got corsets, stockings...

suspender belts, tights, bras,

slips, petticoats, knickers...

socks and garters, sir.

Fine.

No large quantities

of money in safes?

No, sir.

No piles of cash

in easy-to-carry bags?

No, sir.

Fine.

Just a pair of panties then,

please.

And now for something

completely different.

Hey, did you see that?

Did you see something

go past the window?

What?

Somebody went past

that window, downwards.

Another one.

Another one just went past,

downwards.

What?

Two people have just fallen

past that window!

Fine.

Look, two people...three people

have just fallen past that window.

Must be a board meeting.

Oh, yeah.

- That was Wilkins of finance.

- No, that was Robertson.

- Wilkins.

- It was Robertson.

- That was Wilkins.

- Oh, yeah.

Bet Parkinson next.

- Bet you it won't.

- How much?

- What?

- How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?

- Yeah, all right.

- Right. Done. You're on.

Parkinson next.

- Come on, Parky!

- Don't be silly, Parky!

- Come on, Parky! Jump!

- Don't be stupid, man!

Dear Sir, I would like to complain

about that last scene...

about people falling

out of high buildings.

I myself have worked all

my life in such a building...

and have never once...

Psst. All clear.

Vocational guidance counselor.

Ah, Mr. Anchovy.

Do sit down.

Oh, thank you. Take the weight

off the feet, eh?

Yes.

Lovely weather

for the time of year, I must say.

Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy,

you asked us to advise you...

which job in life

you were best suited for.

- That is correct.

- Well. I have the results here...

of all the interviews and the aptitude

tests that you took last week...

and from them we've built up clear

impression of the person you are...

and I think I can say

without fear of contradiction...

that the ideal job for you

is accountancy.

But I am an accountant.

Jolly good. Well, back

to the office with you then.

No, no,

you don't understand.

I've been an accountant

for the Iast 20 years.

But I want a new job, something

exciting that will let me live.

But accountancy

is quite exciting.

Exciting? No, it's not.

It's dull, dull, dull!

My God, it's dull.

It's so deadly dull

and tedious...

and stuffy and boring

and desperately dull!

I can't stand it any longer.

I want to live.

Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but,

you see, in your report here...

it says that you are

an extremely dull person.

Our experts describe you as...

"an appallingly dull fellow",

"unimaginative",...

"timid, spineless, "

"easily dominated",...

"no sense of humor",

"tedious company"...

and "irrepressibly

drab and awful".

And where as in most professions

these would be considerable drawbacks...

in accountancy

they are a positive boon.

I'm only as awful as this

because accountancy does this to people.

Can't you help me?

Any idea of what you want to be?

- Yes. Yes, I have.

- What is it?

A lion tamer.

Yes. Of course,

it's a bit of a jump, isn't it...

accountancy to lion taming

in one go?

Don't think it'd be better to work your

way towards lion taming via banking?

- Or insurance?

- No! I don't want to wait.

I want to start immediately.

Tomorrow morning at 9:00...

I want to be in there, taming.

Yes, but what qualifications

do you have?

- I've got a hat.

- A hat?

Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat

with "Lion Tamer" written on it...

and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer"

in big red neon letters...

so you can tame them

after dark.

- I see.

- During the day, you switch it off...

and you can claim it as reasonable wear

and tear under "allowable expenses"...

under paragraph 335...

Yes. I follow.

But, you see, the snag is...

if I now call the service

and say to them...

"I've got a 45-year-old accountant

who wants to become a lion tamer"...

their first question is not going to be

"Does he have his own hat?"

They're more likely to ask

what experience you've had with lions.

- I've seen'em at the zoo.

- Good.

Little brown, furry creatures with

short, stumpy legs and great long noses.

I could tame one of those.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Look pretty tame

to start with.

And these lions,

how high are they?

Oh, about so high.

They don't frighten me at all.

And do these Iions eat ants?

Yes, that's right.

Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of

there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater.

- A what?

- An anteater, not a lion.

You see a lion,

is a huge savage beast...

about ten-foot long,

five-foot high...

with masses of sharp,

pointy teeth...

and nasty, long,

razor-sharp claws.

It looks like this.

- Now. shall I call the circus?

- No!

I like your idea

of making the move...

to lion taming

by easy stages...

say by insurance

or banking.

- Banking?

- Yes, banking. I see it now.

It's a man's life, isn't it?

Travel. excitement...

decisions affecting people's lives,

romance, thrills.

I'll put you in touch

with the bank.

Probably.

I'd like a couple of days to think

about it, 'cause it is a big decision.

Or maybe, maybe a week,

at most, you know?

But I do want to make this decision.

I'd like to do banking...

It's sad, isn't it...

that this is what

accountancy does to people?

The only way that we can fight this

terrible, debilitating social disease...

I only want to be famous.

I only want to see my name in lights.

And so you shall.

Cue!

Hello, good evening,

and welcome to "Blackmail."

To start tonight's program,

we go north to Preston in Lancashire...

and Mrs. Betty Teal.

Hello Mrs. Teal.

Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15...

and is to stop us revealing

the name of your lover in Bolton.

So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15

by return of post, please...

and your husband Trevor and your lovely

children Diane, Janice and Juliet...

need never know the name

of your lover in Bolton.

Now, a letter, a series

of photographs...

and a hotel registration book

which could add up to divorce...

premature retirement and

possible criminal proceedings...

for a company director

in Bromsgrove.

He's a Freemason

and a conservative M.P.

So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove,

that's $3,000, please...

to stop us revealing your name, the name

of the three other people involved...

the youth organization

to which they belong...

and the shop where

you bought the equipment.

Well, we'll be showing you more of that

photograph later in the program...

unless we hear

from Charles or Michael.

Now it's time for

our "Stop The Film" spot.

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