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And Now for Something Completely Different Page #6
- PG
- Year:
- 1971
- 88 min
- 1,271 Views
whose boots you
are not worthy to kiss!
Oh, it makes me mad.
Easy, Mongo! Easy.
Stark, stirring mad.
No, Mongo! Oh!
Oh, the wound!
They destroyed him!
It's the end! The end.
He's dead.
They killed him!
Revenge.
No, Mongo!
Never kill a customer.
Oh, the wound again.
They ruined him!
Lucky I didn't tell'em
about the dirty knife.
Good morning.
I'm a bank robber.
Please don't panic.
Just hand over all the money.
This is a Iingerie shop, sir.
Fine, fine.
Adopt, adapt and improve.
- Well, what have you got?
- We've got corsets, stockings...
suspender belts, tights, bras,
slips, petticoats, knickers...
socks and garters, sir.
Fine.
No large quantities
of money in safes?
No, sir.
No piles of cash
in easy-to-carry bags?
No, sir.
Fine.
Just a pair of panties then,
please.
And now for something
completely different.
Hey, did you see that?
Did you see something
go past the window?
What?
Somebody went past
that window, downwards.
Another one.
Another one just went past,
downwards.
What?
Two people have just fallen
past that window!
Fine.
Look, two people...three people
have just fallen past that window.
Must be a board meeting.
Oh, yeah.
- That was Wilkins of finance.
- No, that was Robertson.
- Wilkins.
- It was Robertson.
- That was Wilkins.
- Oh, yeah.
Bet Parkinson next.
- Bet you it won't.
- How much?
- What?
- How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?
- Yeah, all right.
- Right. Done. You're on.
Parkinson next.
- Come on, Parky!
- Don't be silly, Parky!
- Come on, Parky! Jump!
- Don't be stupid, man!
Dear Sir, I would like to complain
about that last scene...
about people falling
out of high buildings.
my life in such a building...
and have never once...
Psst. All clear.
Vocational guidance counselor.
Ah, Mr. Anchovy.
Do sit down.
Oh, thank you. Take the weight
off the feet, eh?
Yes.
Lovely weather
for the time of year, I must say.
Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy,
which job in life
you were best suited for.
- That is correct.
- Well. I have the results here...
of all the interviews and the aptitude
tests that you took last week...
and from them we've built up clear
impression of the person you are...
and I think I can say
without fear of contradiction...
that the ideal job for you
is accountancy.
But I am an accountant.
Jolly good. Well, back
to the office with you then.
No, no,
you don't understand.
I've been an accountant
for the Iast 20 years.
But I want a new job, something
exciting that will let me live.
But accountancy
is quite exciting.
Exciting? No, it's not.
It's dull, dull, dull!
My God, it's dull.
It's so deadly dull
and tedious...
and stuffy and boring
and desperately dull!
I can't stand it any longer.
I want to live.
Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but,
you see, in your report here...
it says that you are
an extremely dull person.
Our experts describe you as...
"an appallingly dull fellow",
"unimaginative",...
"timid, spineless, "
"easily dominated",...
"no sense of humor",
"tedious company"...
and "irrepressibly
drab and awful".
And where as in most professions
these would be considerable drawbacks...
in accountancy
they are a positive boon.
I'm only as awful as this
because accountancy does this to people.
Can't you help me?
Any idea of what you want to be?
- Yes. Yes, I have.
- What is it?
A lion tamer.
Yes. Of course,
it's a bit of a jump, isn't it...
accountancy to lion taming
in one go?
Don't think it'd be better to work your
way towards lion taming via banking?
- Or insurance?
- No! I don't want to wait.
I want to start immediately.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00...
I want to be in there, taming.
Yes, but what qualifications
do you have?
- I've got a hat.
- A hat?
Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat
with "Lion Tamer" written on it...
and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer"
in big red neon letters...
so you can tame them
after dark.
- I see.
- During the day, you switch it off...
and you can claim it as reasonable wear
and tear under "allowable expenses"...
under paragraph 335...
Yes. I follow.
But, you see, the snag is...
if I now call the service
and say to them...
"I've got a 45-year-old accountant
who wants to become a lion tamer"...
their first question is not going to be
"Does he have his own hat?"
They're more likely to ask
what experience you've had with lions.
- I've seen'em at the zoo.
- Good.
Little brown, furry creatures with
short, stumpy legs and great long noses.
I could tame one of those.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
Look pretty tame
to start with.
And these lions,
how high are they?
Oh, about so high.
They don't frighten me at all.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of
there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater.
- A what?
- An anteater, not a lion.
You see a lion,
is a huge savage beast...
about ten-foot long,
five-foot high...
with masses of sharp,
pointy teeth...
and nasty, long,
razor-sharp claws.
It looks like this.
- Now. shall I call the circus?
- No!
I like your idea
of making the move...
to lion taming
by easy stages...
say by insurance
or banking.
- Banking?
- Yes, banking. I see it now.
It's a man's life, isn't it?
Travel. excitement...
decisions affecting people's lives,
romance, thrills.
I'll put you in touch
with the bank.
Probably.
I'd like a couple of days to think
about it, 'cause it is a big decision.
Or maybe, maybe a week,
at most, you know?
But I do want to make this decision.
I'd like to do banking...
It's sad, isn't it...
that this is what
accountancy does to people?
The only way that we can fight this
terrible, debilitating social disease...
I only want to be famous.
I only want to see my name in lights.
And so you shall.
Cue!
Hello, good evening,
and welcome to "Blackmail."
To start tonight's program,
we go north to Preston in Lancashire...
and Mrs. Betty Teal.
Hello Mrs. Teal.
Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15...
and is to stop us revealing
the name of your lover in Bolton.
So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15
by return of post, please...
and your husband Trevor and your lovely
children Diane, Janice and Juliet...
need never know the name
of your lover in Bolton.
Now, a letter, a series
of photographs...
and a hotel registration book
which could add up to divorce...
premature retirement and
possible criminal proceedings...
for a company director
in Bromsgrove.
He's a Freemason
and a conservative M.P.
So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove,
that's $3,000, please...
to stop us revealing your name, the name
of the three other people involved...
the youth organization
to which they belong...
and the shop where
you bought the equipment.
Well, we'll be showing you more of that
photograph later in the program...
unless we hear
from Charles or Michael.
Now it's time for
our "Stop The Film" spot.
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"And Now for Something Completely Different" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/and_now_for_something_completely_different_2824>.
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