And Now for Something Completely Different Page #7

---

The rules are very simple.

We have taken a film which

contains compromising scenes...

and unpleasant details

which could wreck a man's career.

But the victim may phone me

at any time and stop the film.

But don't forget, the money increases

as the film goes on...

so the longer you leave it,

the more you have to pay.

So, with the clock at $300 this week's

"Stop the Film" visited Temstead.

He's a very brave man.

No, sir. No.

I'm sure you didn't, sir.

No, that's all right.

We don't morally censure.

We just want the money.

And here's the address

to send it to:

Thank you, sir.

Ah. There you are.

Well, that's quite

enough of that.

And now...

a local civic group reenacts

a famous scene from history.

This week, the Townswomen Guild

of Sheffield in Yorkshire.

Miss Rita Fairbanks...

you organized this representation

of the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

Why?

Weve always been extremely

interested in modern works.

We were the first townswomen's guild

to perform "Camp on Blood Island"...

and, of course, last year...

we did our extremely popular

reenactment of Nazi war atrocities...

so this year we thought we'd do

something in a much lighter vein.

I can see that you're all ready to go,

so I'Il just wish you good luck...

in your latest venture,

"The Battle of Pearl Harbor."

Thank you very much

indeed, young man.

Oh, Brian.

Oh, Elsbeth.

Be gentle with me.

Oh, Brian, are you gonna do anything

or just show me films all evening?

Just one more, dear.

Good afternoon, and welcome

to Brantley Park...

just as the competitors are

running out onto the field...

on this lovely winter afternoon

with the going firm under foot...

and very little sign of rain.

Looks like we're in for

a splendid afternoon sport...

on this, the 127th

"Upper Class Twit of the Year" show.

There's a big crowd here today

to see these prize idiots in action.

Vivian Smith Smythe Smith.

He's in the Grenadier Guards,

and can count to four.

Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris.

He's an old Italian and married

to an attractive table lamp.

Nigel Incubator Jones.

His best friend is a tree...

and in his spare time

he's a stockbroker.

Javais Brookhamster.

He's in the wine trade...

and his father uses him

as a wastepaper basket.

And finally, Oliver Singen Mollusk,

another old Italian.

His father was a cabinet minister

and his mother won the derby.

He's thought by many to be

this year's outstanding twit.

And now the twits are moving

up to the starting line...

and any moment now they'll be

under starter's orders.

I'm afraid they're facing

the wrong way at the moment...

the wrong way at the moment,

but the starter will sort this out.

Any moment now they're going to have the

big off. This is always a tense moment.

And they're off!

No, they're not. They didn't realize

that they had to start with the gun.

I think the starter has explained to

them. Several are beginning to point.

And ready again,

and off again!

This time, yes,

a really fast start!

It's Vivian going for the lead

Oliver's running wide to the right!

And to the left but,

he'll soon pick up the line...

into the first event which is,

walking along a straight line.

The twits have to walk along these lines

without falling over.

This is Oliver's worst event.

He's having a little trouble.

Simon's coming through.

Nigel's coming through.

Oliver's over at the back. Never mind.

He'll get up. He's a great fighter.

He's having...

Oh dear, never mind.

We're coming to the second event,

the matchbox jump.

Two layers of matchboxes for the twits

to clear. Nigel and Simon are over!

And Vivian has refused.

And now,

it's "Kicking the Beggar".

And Nigel to put the brogue in there!

Oh, beautifully placed!

The beggar is down,

and the crowd really loved it!

And here it's Oliver.

He hasn't cleared the jump.

Oh, if only his father

could understand.

And now it's

"Running Over the Old Lady".

Simon in the lead and he's done

it beautifully, right in the midriff.

Back to Oliver.

Oh, he's magnificent, this man.

He doesn't know when he's beaten. He

doesn't know what he's winning either.

He has no sort of sensory apparatus

known to man. Bad luck. Oliver.

And now, it's "Waking the Neighbor".

Simon's there at the front.

He's slamming that door, and woken

the neighbor Simon's moved into first.

The crowd is really excited!

And now it's

"Shooting the Rabbits".

These rabbits have been staked to the

ground so they can't move too much...

as this is only

a one-day event.

There's mist there which I think is

causing the twits a bit of trouble.

And Javais is using

the butt of his rifle!

Vivian's going in with a fist,

and Javais is first away!

And Oliver

has run himself over!

What a great twit!

And now, it's "Taking the Bras off

the Debutantes from the Back".

This is a particularly difficult

event for most of the twits...

one of the ones that takes the most time

on this exacting course.

The crowd are getting excited, and I

think the twits are getting excited too.

And it's Simon into the lead,

closely followed by Nigel!

And it's the final event now!

They have to shoot themselves

to become upper class twit of the year.

Simon can't get the bra off his finger

it's Nigel there!

Nigel misses!

Simon's missing!

Nigel misses again!

And Javais has shot himself!

Javais is

upper class twit of the year!

Vivian is there!

He's not having any luck!

Simon shoots.

Simon has shot Vivian!

Simon has shot Vivian

into second place.

And Simon shoots himself.

Simon is third.

And Nigel clubs himself

into fourth place!

And so, the final result:

first and upper class

twit of the year...

Javais Brookhamster of Kensington...

runner up, Vivian Smith Smythe Smith

of Mayfair...

and third, Simon Zinc

Trumpet Harris of Kensington.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes