Angry Angel Page #4

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Merry Christmas.

[horn honking]

The finger's not necessary.

- Are you on a parking job?

- Don't judge me.

I got to grind out

these points somehow.

Mother of three needs a space

in front of her pediatrician.

- Look, I need your advice on

an unsanctioned love miracle.

- Showing initiative.

I like it.

Hey, and Pyke,

those points can be huge

if the couples

are well matched.

- Unfortunately, I think

this guy's one of a kind.

- Well, it's not like

I can help you anyway.

Pyke, you know I'm not good

with the emotional stuff.

My dad, he raised me

old-school, okay?

When he was on his deathbed,

I said good-bye

with a handshake.

Good-bye!

- Look, can you just tell me

how the other angels do it?

- Yes.

The ones who succeed--

oh, my gosh.

You are hilarious.

There's cute spots down there.

I promise.

carolers:
Bring us

some figgy pudding

Yes, the ones who succeed

usually have a natural sense

of compassion and empathy,

so... [laughs]

You're screwed.

- [exhales forcefully]

Okay, so tell me

about this girl you like.

- Katie.

She's this...

this girl... I like.

- Okay, well,

does she like you?

- Oh, we've never

actually spoken,

but I spent the last two weeks

writing her this song

for Christmas.

I'm a DJ--mostly ambient dub,

but also a little Euro-trance.

[bubbly electronic music

playing]

[to the tune of "O Holy Night"]

Oh, Katie

Your star is

brightly shining

It is the night

of our dear Katie's birth

- Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie.

Katie, Katie.

- A thrill of hope

- Katie.

- My weary heart rejoices

- That's--okay, yeah--

- Yonder breaks

a new glorious...

- That's good--thank you,

Thank you.

Um...so...question:

what inspired...this?

- I see her every day,

and it's like...

she's the best.

So this song is like my secret

that I'm finally ready

to share with her.

- Where does this Katie live?

- 239, across the hall.

- [inhales heavily]

[sobs dramatically]

[mischievous music]

[sobbing softly]

- [sobs] Katie, I've...

I've left him.

He's all yours.

- Left who?

- Jesse.

My boyfriend Jesse.

- Jesse?

From down the hall?

I've never even spoken to him.

- I can feel

the chemistry from here.

Take good care of him.

He knows how to make a girl

feel really special.

Just enjoy it.

[sniffs]

[sweet acoustic guitar music]

Ugh....

[phone chimes]

What?

What is happening?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I did it.

[children's choir singing

"Ding Dong Merrily on High"]

- Glo-o-o-oria,

glo-o-o-ria

Glo-o-o-oria

- Gloria, gloria

Hosanna in the highest

E'en so,

here below, below

- Pyke.

- Oh, hi.

- You did it.

And it only took you

nine years--

one of my longest projects

ever,

so they sent me to

congratulate you personally,

which was a bit of a hassle,

since I was on set, but...

- Oh, that's cool.

Like a local commercial?

- Like a television series

that'll be seen by millions

of people, but whatever.

We don't have time for this.

You have got to get

to the Newark bus station

and catch the 1:
05

to Schenectady.

- Wait, wait, wait.

I'm taking a bus...

to Heaven?

In Jersey?

- Yeah, I know we're

supposed to say

the Universe does

everything for a reason,

but sometimes I think they just

make it up as they go along.

- [chuckles]

- Oh, and you've got to be

on that exact bus,

or your points go back to zero.

- Back to zero?

That's unnecessarily harsh.

- Well, there's precedent.

St. Francis of Assisi

went out drinking

after he finished his project,

got some girl pregnant.

[chuckles]

Frankie, no bueno!

You can catch the C train

just around the corner.

It'll get you there on time--

if you hustle!

- Okay.

Ah--okay, well...

I guess I'm out of here.

- Go, please--

before they realize

what a mistake they made.

- I'll keep a pie warm for you.

- I always knew

you knew who I was!

Hi.

- Hey.

- Yeah, it's me.

It's me.

Sorry, nope.

I got to get back to set.

No pictures.

- Excuse me--excuse me,

excuse me, excuse me.

No, no. [gasps]

I need one ticket

for the 1:
05 to Schenectady.

- Okay, well, there's a 1:15.

Should be here any minute.

- No, no, no.

I need the 1:
05--

that exact bus.

If I don't get on the 1:05 bus,

I can't go.

- In ten minutes,

there's a bus to Schenectady.

Get on it,

and you'll go Schenectady.

It's how buses work.

- [stammers]

- I need the 1:
05.

- There is no 1:
05.

It's Christmas Eve.

It's a holiday schedule.

And the next 1:
05

to Schenectady is on the 26th.

Now, you can wait two days,

or, you know, you can wait

ten minutes for the 1:15.

- Yeah, Merry Christmas.

- You know what's funny?

If we were filming

a movie right now,

this would just be water.

[laughs] Isn't that crazy?

Just a little

inside of Hollywood for you.

[phone ringing]

Oh...huh.

Hi. What are you doing?

Are you on the bus?

- There is no 1:
05 bus.

There is a 1:
15 bus

because of Christmas.

The 1:
05 isn't until the 26th.

- Okay, cool.

So, uh...

looks like you got

a two-day extension.

Enjoy it, and then get

back there on the 26th.

Margo, will you slice me off a

little more of that headcheese?

- Of course.

- A little bit.

Thanks.

- What is headcheese?

- You can take the boy

out of Ukraine...

[laughing] Right?

Mmm...mmm.

Mmm.

Thank you.

- How are you already

with a woman?

I left you

less than an hour ago.

- How?

Pyke,

beautiful women all over

this great country appreciate

the body of work

that I've put out over

the last 20, 25 years, okay?

Plus, I let them put it

on their social

if they promise not to tag me.

You're not gonna tag me, right?

- No.

- Okay.

[clears throat]

You know, Pyke,

I will never understand

why you got a job as a waitress

instead of trying

to become a celebrity.

[laughs]

What were you thinking?

- Well, I didn't plan on

being here for nine years.

Look, I lost everything

when I died.

Being an angel doesn't

make me happy like you.

- Yeah.

Happy...like we were.

[sighs] Like me.

- Are you crying?

- What?

[clears throat] Stop, stop.

I'm--no, I'm not crying.

[clears throat] I just got

a little...

headcheese stuck--

no, listen, Pyke.

Pyke, do not get

in trouble, okay?

You are still

considered active.

You can still lose points.

Okay?

- Look, I am not gonna do

anything for the next two days.

I am going to lock my doors,

get into bed,

and watch

a "Real Housewife" or seven.

- Great.

[TOPS' "Cloudy Skies"]

[alluring indie rock music]

- I'm looking at

the cloudy skies

I look ahead

and see my sorrow

No choice

but to live tomorrow

Nothing else left to do

- Oh, crap.

- "Crap"?

"Oh, crap" what?

- Patrick?

- Who's Patrick?

Wait, Patrick--

your husband Patrick?

- Patrick.

Patrick.

- Yes?

- Pyke?

Wait.

[gentle ringing music]

- I'm sorry, do I know you?

- Hi, babe.

Sorry I lost you

for a minute there.

I was just in the bathroom.

There was this really nice lady

sleeping on the floor,

but I just wanted to make sure

she wasn't exposing

herself any longer.

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