Angus Thongs And Perfect Snogging Page #5

to get rid of it.

You're so lucky

you don't have dark hair like me.

I know.

- But I do have to shave my armpits now.

- Well, my mum's got sideburns.

- Do you think we're sad, Georgia?

- Why?

Because we're the only two left

without boyfriends?

Oh, come on in, Mum.

The door's only closed for my privacy.

Don't be silly.

You're the fruit of my womb.

I've seen all your bits and pieces.

- Connie, paella's ready.

- Jem is such a great cook.

He could teach your dad

a thing or two, that's for sure.

Now, I need you

to baby-sit Libby this weekend

because I'm taking Jem

to my salsa class Saturday.

Why?

Because he's really passionate about it.

He's been dancing for years.

- But Dad loves to dance.

- Yeah.

Like Mick Jagger with two left feet.

Honestly, Mum. Have a bit of dignity.

You could put a hip out at your age.

Whatevers. Your mum's well wicked,

you minger.

Minger.

Wonder why he's not here yet.

Hi.

Come, fiasco scale 9.9 approaching.

- Peter, what are you doing?

- You never called me back.

Sorry, I've been really busy studying.

Listen, I'm really into you.

I have to kiss you.

Peter!

Peter!

Oh, my God!

Look at the slag's knickers.

It's like something my gran would wear.

What?

You have to tell Robbie

that Peter's not my boyfriend.

That's not what it looked like.

You had your skirt up

around your bazoomas,

- with your knickers on full display.

- It was awful.

Why couldn't I have just banged my

head and gone into a coma

and died right there?

Why couldn't you have

worn smaller knickers?

Jas, this is serious!

I have to get Robbie alone,

away from that minging Lindsay.

You know, Tom told me he and Robbie

are going to the pool this afternoon,

- but Lindsay isn't going.

- Why didn't you tell me this before?

Honestly! Your best mate is banished

into the Valley of Humiliation

and you're withholding vital info.

Why isn't Lindsay going anyway?

She doesn't like

getting chlorine in her hair.

And she's checking out party venues.

Oh, no.

Her birthday's the same time as mine.

I don't want Lindsay to get the best club.

And I bet she's getting a killer D.J.

Well, her mum knows

Fatboy Slim's neighbour.

You have to come to the pool with me.

But I hate swimming.

It makes my hair go all frizzy.

Please, Jas.

I have to talk to Robbie or I'll just die.

Hi, Georgia!

- What a surprise to see you here!

- Yeah.

- I bring my little sister all the time.

- Why don't you go and change?

Jas, I need to speak with you urgently.

My life is a fiasco and a sham.

My mum's dumped Libby on me, so

she can go salsa with George Clooney.

We're practically orphans

since my dad left

but now I've got even bigger problems.

Oh, my God!

It'll be fine.

Just jump in when he's not looking.

Libby, this is Robbie.

Libby, stop licking Robbie.

She thinks she's part cat.

Come on, Libby,

let's go for a swim with Tom.

- Are you coming in the water, too, Jas?

- Yeah.

Well, you coming in then, or what?

Robbie, about last night...

It's cool. I mean, Peter Dyer's got a rep

as a bit of a ladies' man.

But I'm not going out with him.

- Does he know that?

- Yes, totally.

It wasn't at all what it looked like.

Well, that's good.

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, let's do handstands.

- I'm really good at this.

- Okay, you're on.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

- So, how was it?

- Great.

- I told you I was good.

- Georgia, why are your legs orange?

Oh, my God.

I'm such a sad excuse for a girl.

I thought my legs were too pale,

so I used this stupid Kool-tan cream.

Don't, stop.

Please don't look at them.

They're like giant cheesy puffs.

I'd better go. I've got

to sort some things out. I'll call you.

- He kissed you?

- Result.

- Oh, my God.

- It was magic.

Way beyond all the stuff

you're supposed to have.

- Fireworks whooshing and stuff.

- I get that with Tom.

And his lips were the perfect moisture.

Nothing like Saliva Boy.

And he did that varying pressure

Rosie says foreign boys do,

and then said,

"I have to sort some things out."

- What?

- I know. What does that mean?

- It could be anything.

- When do you think he'll call?

Tom called me the same day

he said he'd call me.

- It will probably be any minute then.

- I'm so happy for you, G.

So, let's step up the party plans.

We've got so much to sort out.

Venue, fashion statements,

colour scheme.

- You should do black and white.

- Marvy.

G, Tom's texting. I've got to go. Bye.

Hello?

- Georgia?

- Hi, Dad.

Have you been on the phone? I've been

trying to get through for an hour.

How many times have I told you

not to run up the phone bill?

Nice to hear your voice, too, Dad.

Mum! Dad's on the phone.

Hi, I've been waiting for your call.

Yeah, I've been trying

to get through for ages, but Georgia's...

- Okay, Dad. End of...

- Hold on.

I've got exciting news.

Connie, Georgia, I really want you

to join me in New Zealand.

- What?

- It's fantastic here

and they love my ideas

for the new division.

They want me to run it.

It's a big promotion.

- Wow.

- Are you mad? I can't go now.

- I'm just starting to get a life.

- Georgia, don't be selfish.

I'm not. It's just, I'd be bored to death

by sheep and hobbits.

- We can't go.

- Look, Georgia.

Can we talk about this later?

This is costing me a pound a minute.

Can I speak to your mum

alone for a second?

Okay. Please don't be long.

I'm expecting

a very important phone call.

Robbie.

- Hey, babe.

- Hi.

Not again, Peter.

I'm still recovering from my injuries.

I'm sorry if I pushed

you too far at the party.

You just drive me crazy.

- Peter, I can't go out with you. I'm sorry.

- Why? You're my top student ever.

I may be moving away.

Okay, we'll just enjoy

each moment till then.

Look, I can't go out with you because...

Because...

Because I'm a lesbian.

Jas, who does level five snogging

then doesn't have the decency to call?

A boy who can't make up his mind?

But he said he was glad

I wasn't going out with Peter.

And then he gave me a real kiss.

I really felt something deep

in the pit of my stomach.

For goodness sake, Georgia,

stop yapping and go to bed.

It's a school night.

Well, at least you know

he doesn't think you're a lesbian.

But he could have told me

about his gig in Brighton.

- G?

- What now?

Lindsay. She's moved her party

to the same date as yours.

How did she know that was

the day of my party, anyway?

She saw my designs

for your party invite.

- What?

- Well, I was showing Tom

and she grabbed them.

Tom said they looked really artistic.

Jas. What am I going to do now?

No one's going to come to my loser

party if it's on the same night as hers.

Georgia! You have to get enough sleep

or your brain won't function.

It's a wonder you girls have

anything left to talk about.

Mum, we're having a crisis

and you're not helping.

You won't let me have

a cool party in a club,

and now everyone's going

to laugh at me for being so lame,

and no decent boys

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