Anuvahood Page #3

I can get you the money, just not today.

Look, please. I'm trying my best.

You can't keep coming around here

harassing me. I've got young kids.

(K) Yo, Mumsy, man's out of here.

Yeah, bless one.

Don't sound that young to me.

What is he? What, a black kid, is it?

Must be hard looking after someone

else's kid. Couldn't do it myself.

All right, that's it.

I want you out of here now. Get out!

No problem, darling,

but we will be back, five o'clock sharp,

and I'm coming round here

to collect your stuff.

And to be honest, I'm getting a hard-on

just thinking about it.

- What about you, Dal?

- Well, not really, Tel.

- Well, I am.

- Right, go on! Piss off!

Yeah.

It's the most beautiful day.

And did you know, Edward,

this postcode was voted most

outstanding and up-and-coming area

by "Time Out" in the summer?

What about that, hm?

The Goonbred Estate.

- I think it adds character...

- No, Patricia, it does not add character.

A 13-year-old girl

came up to me last week

and addressed me as "Oi, My Size".

- Hm? "Oi My Size", Patricia.

- What is wrong with you, Edward?

I know you're not happy about it

but you'll just have to live with it.

- He is family.

- Oh, balls, he's family, Patricia!

But last summer it was all right to spend

our whole summer holidays with them.

Yes, because I didn't realise

we'd be asked to take in his damn

silly fool of a son for four months.

I don't like him.

I can't understand a word he says.

He's here!

(Spanish accent) First of all, I would

just like to say that my family and I

are very grateful to you

for letting me to stay in your house.

- Oh, it's nothing.

- I am very much looking forward

to being inside of your family.

Patricia.

I have to say that...

that you are looking even more beautiful

than the last time we were together.

Your hair looks wonderful, it's like a...

it's like a waterfall that cascades

on to your shoulders.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Well, I hope you're happy, Patricia.

I have a migraine. We have no pills.

- Get your own bloody pills.

- Under no circumstances!

- You go and get my pills!

- Please, sir! I will do this for you.

- I will go now.

- Oh.

I don't believe this.

I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

Edward, what...

Most up-and-coming area of London?

What's the worst

that could happen, Patricia?

How you mean,

you run out of Fruitellas, man?

(Shopkeeper) Look, there is no more

bloody Fruitellas! No more, man!

But there's hundreds of sweets here!

Kitty Kat, Twix, Mars Bar, Snickers.

- Why you want bloody Fruitellas?

- Because I like them, innit?

Why you asking me for, blud?

It's a badman sweet! You get me?

- Blud, if you not buy, leave!

- This shop's anything, man. I'm gone.

- D*ckhead.

- Hey, you are the real d*ckhead!

Please leave now!

And tell your dad

we have the latest edition of BBC

bird-hunter magazine he asked for.

2.99. Hey! 2.99.

Make sure you tell him, Kenneth.

My name is K, OK? My name is K.

K, my arse.

Leave!

F***ing Fruitellas. Put tuh!

Idiot man.

- What? What you looking at, blud?

- Sorry, what did you say?

Blud, what is it? Is it beef, blud?

Cos I'm on this ting, fam, I swear down.

- Pardon?

- Don't be trying it, fam.

Forget what you might have heard.

Better know I'm on this ting. Real talk.

No gassing. You don't even

know who I am, do you?

Er... no, I just move here.

What? Well, how come

I don't know about you, then?

Er... I don't know. I come to London

for to study English for four months.

That is my new house over there.

What? What, you live there, yeah?

Yes, I, er... I just moved here today.

- What, you know Big Mike?

- Who? Er... Mike?

Er... no. My name is

Enrique Estabn de la Fuente.

K.

K?

OK. It's nice to meet you, K. You know,

you seem like a nice person, K.

I wonder if perhaps you could

help me with my studies.

You know, show me the, um...

the real London.

Yeah. Yeah, why not, blud?

Man can do that still.

( Ringtone plays)

See, personally, blud,

I like my eggs runny, yeah?

But not too runny.

You wanna the balance right.

You don't want the yellow sh*t

going everywhere.

- You get me, fam?

- Yes.

- You not eating that, blud?

- No, I... I'm no hungry.

Boy, I'll eat it. Pass it.

Waste not, want not.

Oh, yeah.

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

What you doing, blud?

What, you write lyrics, too, yeah?

Er... no, it's my... it's my journal.

It's sort of like a... like a diary

of my deepest thoughts and feelings.

- Do you have one?

- Nah, man.

Blud, I've been looking for you

for ages, man!

What's going on, man?

I've been trying to call you, fam!

My phone was off. Have a chip.

No, I don't want a chip, man!

Who's this, blud?

- This is my younger, innit?

- I never seen him before!

Blud, you don't know who I roll with,

man. I ain't always with you, man.

But we don't go caff no more, blud!

The last time we went caf

was your birthday, blud, remember?

I bought you the mega platter

full breakfast ting, blud!

That's what I just had, blud. Peng!

Come like man's birthday out here, boy.

Shabba denaya! Mama denaya!

Oh, my ten days, blud!

Oh, my gosh!

What, is that how it is now, yeah?

What, you want to go caf

with the next man now, yeah?

OK, who is this guy, man?

- His name's, er... His name's, er...

- Enrique Estabn de la Fuente.

That's it, blud. Enrique.

That's my boy right there, Enrique.

En-flipping-rique, En-flipping-rique?

Blud, we used to go hard, man!

- I always go hard!

- Hard, hard, hard, hard...

Come, we go, man.

Hard, hard, hard, hard

Hard, hard, hard, hard

Hard, hard, hard, hard...

Bye.

Huh!

See, I know you're new round here,

blud, so I'm gonna show you my bits.

Man's gonna take you under my wing.

Think of me like a big bird, fam.

- Like the one in "Sesame Street"?

- Allow it, man.

Can't you see I'm educating out here?

So, listen, Henros, yeah?

I'm gonna show you my family.

The one thing about family

is you gotta have each other's back,

no matter what.

- It's a badman ting out here.

- Badman ting. Rudeboy.

- Good afternoon, Kenneth.

- Afternoon, Mrs Dennison.

See us, man, roll deep.

You see it? Big tings agwarn, blud.

Now I'm gonna show you the mandem.

Trust me, rudeboy,

it's a movement ting all day, fam.

Movement ting, blud!

Move out of the way!

Blud, this is dead, man.

What are we on?

How do you know

this yoot's not a fed, blud?

Look at his crep, blud? Look at his crep.

Shut up, TJ, man.

I've been through this.

His name is Enrico

and he's my new younger.

This is anything, K, man.

I ain't never heard of no Enrico.

Well, you have now, innit?

Perhaps I should be going home now.

Just kotch, blud.

The day ain't even started yet, man.

Whatever! I'm gonna go link a ting.

- You ain't even got no tings, fam.

- I got more links than you, blud.

- Lesoi, who got more links, fam?

- Don't get me involved, fam.

- Lesoi, who gets more links, fam?

- Bookie, innit?

(Sniggers)

You don't know. You can't even see

through those squinted eyes of yours.

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