Anuvahood Page #8

'I was out a little bit earlier on, Biz.

'Like, I've just seen an abundance

of women with fake Ugg boots on.

'What is that? Like the Ugg boots

are leaning to the side.

'Like this is not looking good.

'What is going on

with the fake Ugg boots situation? '

'I don't know why you're lying

to everybody. You wear Ugg boots.'

(Message) 'Shabba denaya!

This is TJ's phone!

'Please leave a message

after the tone! Shut up! '

(Radio) 'I've only been wearing 'em

on the weekends... '

Oi! K Laimsbury's, you p*ssy!

(Radio) '... talk about anything

you want, we got loads of songs to play,

'Ioads of hot tracks... '

Aargh!

(Bookie) 'You are not a gangster!

'You ain't got no P,

no whip, no links, no girl!

'The only thing you got is a pet hamster,

and even he don't like you, blud.'

(Pauline) 'Waste of bloody space.'

(Lily) 'You can't MC, fool! '

(Shopkeeper) 'You are the d*ckhead! '

(Yasmin)'What's the matter with you? '

(Lesoi) 'It's always your fault.

You're too f***ing bait.'

(Bookie) '100 per cent waste.'

(Tyrone) 'You can't draw girls, blud.

'Listen, come to mine Friday

about 12, yeah? '

Heh-heh-heh! Next Hype!

(Low chatter)

- Don't talk sh*t, blud.

- I'm hungry still.

- What's that smell, man?

- Smells like sh*t, man.

Sh*t.

( Music playing)

Listen, man's gonna go bathroom

and freshen up.

Go wait for me in the front room.

Mm! Hm!

Don't be too long,

my little Mike Tyson. Mm!

Champion lover, no ease up tonight

Champion lover

Gonna make you feel all right

They call me Mr. Loverman

They call me Mr. Lover

Mr. Loverman...

Mr. Loverman, they call me Mr. Lover

Because a woman take a trip

She coming from England

To satisfy her soul you know

Say she want a man...

Yes! Who's on the throne? Tyrone.

Champion lover

Gonna make you feel all right

Whoa...

Say she want a man

Talking to her and she respond

She tell me say she handle man

like a boomerang...

(Tyrone) Who's on the throne? Tyrone.

Yes, man, man went to powder his nose

and is ready to do this.

- Hm-hm! You ready for this?

- Ooh! Yeah.

Yes? You're ready?

You ain't see nothing yet, trust me.

Man is this!

Go on, touch it, touch it. Yes, man.

- Oh, my days!

- I know this. Yes, muscles, baby.

You see this? You see this? Uh! Uh!

Go on, take this, take this.

(Tyrone) Yes! Oh, yes, man!

(Grunting)

- Why are you so sexy?

- Man's on the throne.

I want you to f*** me good, baby.

Man's gonna give it to you

nice and slow.

(Tyrone) Man's on this ting!

On this ting!

(Grunting and yelping)

(Mobile phone buzzing)

Oh, yeah. Mm! For the best effect,

man has to use his tongue.

(Growling)

(Maria) Let's go to the bedroom, baby.

(Tyrone) Yeah, man's gonna

f*** you in every room.

Sh*t.

(Tyrone) Oi, take them shoes off.

Let me see those toes.

(Maria) Oh! Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, baby!

- Yes, baby. Man loves his toes.

- That feels good! Oh!

Lesoi, what's up, man?

Nah, listen, man. Just listen, all right?

Don't stress, fam.

I got all your sh*t back. Yeah, all of it.

Look, get them, man,

and meet me at the back

of the dustbins in ten minutes.

Yeah. I'll tell you when I get there.

Bless.

What you doing here, blud?

- Yes, baby. Yes, baby. Your time.

- Mm, yeah.

Your time, you get me?

Man's gonna lick you everywhere,

and I mean everywhere.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Man got this here for a reason.

Yes, baby.

See this tongue right here?

I got special powers.

You hear me? Huh? Huh?

- Let's do this!

- Yes. Yeah. Yes!

- Yeah?

- Aaargh!

Ain't your lucky day.

You're gonna get murked.

- What you doing in this block?

- Checking my boy.

What boy, blud?

You can't be checking no boy, blud!

- This ain't your block.

- It ain't your block, fam.

- I'm sorry, man.

- Nah, blud!

Think you can just come in man's

block like you're the postman?

You need to get a satnav,

cos you turned the wrong way.

- I'll just go back to my block.

- Nah, blud! Too late.

You need to learn.

- Man's gonna teach you, blud.

- Please, man.

- Shut up, blud! I'm gonna shank you!

- Don't shank me.

- Hey, T, shank him.

- Why do I have to shank him?

Oi, listen. I shanked Martin

and Aron, blud. It's your turn.

- F*** it.

- Ah, please, man.

I think I'm gonna enjoy this one still.

It's over, blud.

- I beg you.

- Shank him.

- Please, fam.

- Just shank him.

- Allow me, blud. Allow me, man.

- What?

- What did you just say?

- I didn't say nothing.

- Say it again!

- Shank him, man.

- No, say it again, blud!

- I didn't say nothing, man!

- Just shank him, man!

- Hold up! Say it again, blud!

I swear I didn't say nothing.

I said allow me, man.

Yeah, that! What do you know

about that tune, blud?

- Huh?

- Hey, shank him, man!

Wait up! What you know

about that tune, blud?

You know what you said!

You know! Allow me, allow me!

"Feel The Pain".

Yeah, that's me, blud.

What? Oh, my days! "Feel The Pain".

- Pass me the knife. I'll shank this fool.

- No, man, it's him, blud!

- Who?

- The "Feel The Pain" yoot.

"Feel The Pain".

Oh, yeah! What, is that him?

It's him, blud. I thought

I recognised him from the poster.

Hey, blud, I bought your mix tape.

It was big, blud. Big.

I love track number seven,

the "allow me, allow me" track.

The whole "Feel The Pain" mix tape

was kinda sick still.

- When you dropping the next one?

- I swear, I love that track, man.

- Allow me, allow me. Remember it?

- Watch, fam.

Allow me, allow me

- Certain man get rowdy

- Rowdy

Allow me, allow me

Certain man get rowdy

- Rowdy

- Ah! Chh! Mm!

- And I said feel the pain

- Whoa!

- And I said feel the pain

- Mm! Shh!

I said feel the pain,

I said feel the...

- Allow it, man, allow it.

- I do love that track though, blud.

- So, can I go, then?

- Boy, I don't know, fam!

Will you be dropping the music video

for that track, yeah?

- Probably still.

- Well, holler us, man, then, innit?

Will do.

Make sure you do, you know!

But I do love that track,

though, blud, big.

Safe.

That boy's reppin' for the manor,

you know.

Inspirational.

Ah, man! Move out of my way,

you little boy man! Cha!

Yeah, Tasha's getting pressed tonight!

What?

Move out my way, man! Move!

Move, man,

with your mash-up dreads!

- You can't go up there.

- Trying to touch me?

- Want me to box you down?

- You can't go up there.

Take your hands off me!

Want me to box you down again?

- No, no, no!

- Big fatty boom boom.

(Laughter)

Fatty boom boom!

I ain't heard that word in time.

Oh, faster. Oh, faster.

Oh, go faster, baby.

- I know you like this, baby.

- Yeah.

- Man go deeper than this.

- Yeah.

Standard procedures, I do this.

You better gnaw yourself, little boy,

and get your head down.

(Moaning)

Oh! Yeah. Oh, faster.

What the f*** is this, though?

(Maria) Who's she?

- Oh, my days! Who the f*** are you?

- Listen, babes!

Don't be babesing me!

You text me, told me come over!

I just got a baby-sitter!

I wear my new outfit!

I've got to take this back tomorrow!

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