Anything Else Page #8

ls bluer overhead

lf you will just

Believe in me

There'll be

Another

Spring

lf life is meaningless,

then why choose to live?

Dobel says we don't choose,

our blood chooses for us.

What does it all add up to if l die?

Freud says sex and work.

Dobel says work

gives the illusion of meaning,

and sex gives

the illusion of continuity.

[Paula singing]

She's going to practice now?

Hey, Paula? l'm trying to clarify

some ideas for my novel.

l just need...

l have some ideas for dialogue

leading to the Judy Garland medley.

Could we talk about it later?

l am so nervous. l don't know why

l'm so scared of performing.

- Where does Amanda keep her Valium?

- There. l'll get you one.

l just need a little bit of quiet,

just for the morning. Okay, Paula?

[Falk:
] l went to the bathroom

to get her mother a Valium.

Because Dobel made me

so damn suspicious,

l couldn't resist the impulse

to open her diaphragm case

to see if it was there,

and it wasn't.

Why does she need her diaphragm?

What for?

And what's wrong with me?

Why should the thought

of Amanda sleeping with someone

be both excruciating and exciting?

l feel like committing suicide,

but l have so many problems,

that wouldn't solve them all.

What should l do?

What would you do?

Huh?

What do l do?

lf it was me, Falk,

l would follow her.

Why do you put these paranoid thoughts

in my head?

Why does she wear a diaphragm?

Why isn't she on the pill?

lt's hormonal.

The pill makes her crazy.

The pill makes her crazy?

Falk, she is crazy.

The Pentagon should use her hormones

for chemical warfare.

l don't get it. Where is it?

Where is her diaphragm?

Well, you know, l can imagine.

l've never followed anyone.

lt's not rocket science, Falk.

The trick is not to be seen.

Where is she now?

- Acting class.

- You think.

Christ, don't say that.

Of course she's at acting class.

She wouldn't miss that.

lt's too crucial.

And that's where she sees

her acting partner, Ray Polito.

Look, l'm not good at following.

Why don't you come with me?

l can't.

l promised students l'd take them

to the Caravaggio exhibit

at the Metropolitan Museum.

l give them a little culture now and then

so they don't beat each other to death

with bicycle chains.

l'm too nervous to follow her.

There's nothing to it, you know.

You're worried about what you're

going to find, that's all.

You are a writer.

You have a gift.

You should have a girlfriend

who helps you and is encouraging,

not some mercurial little jitterbug

who'll have you hold up filling stations

- to keep her in mood elevators.

- l shouldn't have looked.

What you don't know will kill you.

What you don't know won't hurt you,

it'll kill you.

Like if they tell you

you're going to showers

but they turn out not to be showers.

Ray Polito.

l knew it.

[Amanda:
] Where were you?

We have theater tickets tonight.

Paula, could you excuse us?

l have to talk to Amanda.

My God, Jerry.

Has the president been shot?

Fine with me.

l have a date tonight.

[Amanda:
] What? You have a date?

With who?

l must confess.

lt's with a guy who picked me up.

- Where?

- At my AA meeting.

- Great. An alcoholic.

- He's not an alcoholic.

He's the alcoholic's friend, the enabler.

Even better.

What does he do?

- He's a horse whisperer.

- What are you talking about?

- What are you looking for, your keys?

- Yes.

- They're over here.

- He's 26 years old.

Fabulous. You're going out

with a 26-year-old horse whisperer.

- [Falk:
] Amanda, could l talk to you?

- Hold on.

- Would you really care if l got a tattoo?

- Yes.

- We'll discuss it later.

- No, Mom.

- We'll discuss it.

- Mom, don't.

Mom, your keys.

Your keys.

- Thanks.

- Jesus, you're so crazy.

- Where were you today?

- Acting class.

No, l mean after.

At a girlfriend's apartment,

rehearsing a scene.

No. No, you weren't

because l know you were in

the school building with your teacher.

That's right. l saw you.

- How?

- l was spying on you.

- Spying?

- That's right. l saw the three of you.

You, your acting teacher

and your diaphragm.

Your diaphragm. lt's not here,

so where could it be?

There's no such thing

as a diaphragm repair shop.

l was there, Amanda.

l saw it all.

Okay. Okay, l slept with Ron Keller.

But l didn't do it

because l care about him.

No? What then?

To punish him?

l had to find out

if something was wrong with me.

l can't sleep with you,

the person that l love.

l had to know if l was

some kind of freak, or frigid.

l had to know if l could even get

aroused anymore and have an orgasm.

And can you?

Yeah. lt's good news.

l can.

Okay. l want out of this relationship.

Jerry, don't say that.

You know l need you.

Need me? How can you need me

when all these positive feelings

happen with everyone but me?

Not everybody.

Just Ron Keller.

He reminds me of my father.

l remind you of your father.

You remind me of the good parts.

He reminds me of the bad.

l figured l should try everything.

You know, to figure out

what the problem is.

How did l get to be the good father?

What am l, Kris Kringle?

lt is a maddening problem.

We had to try every kind of foreplay.

Where's the rifle?

l'm going to blow my brains out.

Don't be so middle-class.

l did it as much for you as for me.

Oh, thank you. For me?

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

Well, it worked.

Now l know that l can get excited.

Very excited.

Passionate.

l can have orgasms.

Like the ones l had

when we first started dating.

You know? Multiple ones,

where l claw the walls.

l'm so happy to hear this, Amanda.

Really.

This is just music to my ears.

l don't need the rifle.

l'll just hemorrhage here on the carpet.

Jerry, don't be mad.

And don't be mad at Ron.

He was just trying to help.

Ron? How could l be upset at Ron?

ln fact, l'll put him

on my Christmas list,

if l can figure out

how to make a letter bomb.

Jerry...

Jerry, please.

[sniffles] Please.

You know l love you so much.

l need you.

l can't live without you.

Jerry, please?

That's bullshit, Falk.

l don't buy any of it.

She says she did it therapeutically.

That's the kind of therapy they advertise

on the back of the Village Voice.

She wanted to make sure

she could still become aroused.

Well, l'm glad to hear

the little sweetheart can still...

You know, it's not in vlno verltas.

lt's in eros verltas.

l don't know what to do, Dobel.

l'm totally confused.

You said it. You're afraid to sleep alone.

That's the whole story.

You surround yourself

with this farrago of baby-sitters,

this loving-disabled sex kitten

who's driving you crazy,

the Jew manager, you know?

Let me tell you,

l am of the Hebrew persuasion,

but that guy who handles you

is a member of one of the lost tribes

of lsrael that should have remained lost.

And you got this shrink who, like God,

never speaks and, like God, is dead.

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.

We were meant to be afraid.

That's why you have to build

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