Apartment Troubles Page #5

that we're being evicted

'cause I don't think that

I can live with you anymore.

You go for a swim?

I'd like to go for a swim.

Go.

It's too cold.

I want to go back

to New York tonight.

There's a lot of stuff

to deal with there.

Flight's in the morning.

I'm not comfortable staying

at your aunt Kimberly's again.

She's making us food.

I thought we were on a cleanse.

Well, I don't know

what you're gonna do.

You're gonna leave without me?

All right. I might.

I might have done it once.

I might have done it once.

You gotta slow down.

I've never seen anyone

eat so much.

I feel like I'm watching one of those

pie-eating contests or something.

That would be fun.

I'd do one of those.

Probably, I'd win it.

Oh, you would...

You would never win it.

Well, why don't you look it up

and then tell me what

kind of records there are.

- Oh, my God.

- And I'm gonna beat them.

How would I know IF I

win in a pie...

Just look it up on your phone

and tell me what kind of like...

- You're afraid.

- People train...

Dare me.

For years and years

to do a pie-eating contest.

They do?

Yes.

Why, do they win a lot of money?

- I...

- Do they?

I'm not paying you any money,

IF that's what you're

insinuating.

Wait a minute.

Hmm?

How much will you pay me?

Nothing.

I'll pay you zero money.

All right. Wait,

wait, wait, wait.

We're gonna make

this the situation.

IF I can eat this whole

thing in under ten...

- You will never...

- Shh.

IF I can eat this in

under ten seconds,

will you give me $1,000?

You'll never eat that

in under ten seconds.

Will you?

Well, Oh, and what do I get

when you lose, I'm wondering?

I'll give you one of my pieces.

Oh, really.

They're selling

for $1,000 these days?

They're gonna sell for hundreds

of thousands of dollars.

- Uh-Oh.

- Put your money where your mouth is.

Ten, nine... okay,

but start at ten.

I'm doing it.

Ten, nine, eight.

Oh, God, seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Ugh.

Not even close.

Uh, you were counting

faster than seconds.

You know, this is my home.

All right.

- That is half.

- Oh, God.

And It's worth 500.

It's gonna cost me $500 to

get my living room cleaned.

Give me... shut up!

Shut your face!

Give me 500 more

and I'm gonna eat

anything on this table.

You tell me...

So I take it

you girls need money?

No.

Oh, come on.

You can tell me.

I mean, I wouldn't trust

this one with any money.

I should get her to bed.

Oh, don't.

Look.

No, leave her be.

She's fine.

Listen, listen.

I need to tell you

something very important.

I used to be just like you

until I figured out

who I really was.

Oh, gosh, this headache of mine.

Thank you so much.

This was very nice

and I... good night.

And thank you.

I brought you something

for your head.

Olivia, what are you doing

out on the lawn, you silly?

Darling Olivia.

You must wake up

for your own good.

- Oh, God.

- Oh!

Oh, my God.

Just like children.

Oh, we're so free, finally.

Finally, darling, please.

There's something

I have to tell you.

All right, what is it?

You're wonderful, but I'm in

a relationship with Nicole.

And we're very much in love.

Olivia, I know, all right?

I know.

I should've told you sooner,

but I know that you want her

and she's not in love with you.

Yes, darling.

She told me everything.

She told me that

she felt sorry for you.

I'm sorry, darling. I...

I'm sorry.

You know she had

to say that to you.

- No.

- She was afraid.

She didn't know how

the family would take it.

But she and I have

something very beautiful

and it only shows in

a one-sided way with me.

But really,

a two-sided relationship.

I mean, we are...

It's not one-sided.

It's two-sided

and she and I

are in this closed

loop embrace forever.

And I would never want

to do anything to hurt her.

I hope you understand that.

Of course, I do.

Olivia, I'm so sorry.

I never would've

opened myself to you

in this way IF I'd known.

Olivia, goodbye, darling.

Goodbye.

Wake up!

You made me have to lie

to your aunt Kimberly.

Please, will you go get me a water?

The room is spinning.

I need you to hear me.

You're taking me to the

airport in a taxi that

you're paying for first

thing in the morning.

Will you please get me water?

Do you want water? Here,

I'll give you some water.

- Do you want this?

- Yeah.

Do you want this water?

Pack your sh*t.

Hi.

Remember me?

Last time you saw me,

I was a licensed car driver.

I'm not anymore.

It's probably a good thing.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, I must've terrified you.

I was out of my mind.

Want a... a piece of licorice?

That's okay.

Licorice?

You know what I did?

I... I think I took ativan

and Lunesta with maybe

like three airplane

bottles of whiskey.

But I'm just... I'm...

I'm really afraid to fly.

You also took an Adderall.

Yeah, yeah. Sounds like

something I would do.

Adderall is pretty crazy.

It's crazy stuff, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I started bottoming

out when it wears off.

Whenever I take it, like,

it helps me at first

and then I completely unravel.

I almost punched a girl.

You should've taken a Lunesta.

Yeah, it really cuts down

on the urge to clock people.

I was in town visiting my mom.

You mentioned

something about that.

I guess you just have

to hit rock bottom

before you can stand back up.

IF that make any sense?

Yeah.

And my mom has really

helped me to hit

rock bottom

the last couple days.

How was LA?

What'd you do?

I buried my cat at sea.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Lucky cat to have spent one

of his nine lives with you.

Did we forget to lock the door?

I don't know.

Bob, that better

be you in there.

I think we were robbed.

Oh, my God.

Is that electricity?

Oh, hey, guys.

Is this our stuff?

You didn't get my message, huh?

I called you guys about a

hundred times and texted you.

No, we didn't get any messages.

Oh, sh*t. 'Cause IF you

would've gotten messages,

you would've known what

was, uh, going on here.

What is going on?

Uh, I found some people

who are willing

to pay three times what you do.

God, we didn't charge this.

Oh, man, sorry.

I wasn't here.

I guess the, uh,

movers thought your...

Your stuff was garbage

or something.

I'm sorry.

She's losing it.

What are we supposed to do?

Well, the new tenants

are not coming till Tuesday

so you have till Tuesday.

- That's tomorrow.

- Uh-huh.

And you said we had 28 days.

Yeah. Look, honestly,

they're paying me three

times what you're paying.

I mean, give me

a break, all right?

I mean, I... I had to...

You can't do it.

It's illegal.

Well, uh, this is an

illegal sublet, you know.

Hey, don't break my balls, okay.

I need to make a profit here.

Hey, It's Bob.

Can you pick up your phone?

It's urgent.

Guess who should

be better connected?

Not my fault.

Hi, Olivia.

Great news.

We loved the life

insurance commercial.

It's gonna shoot for

about a week in Ohio

so we have to

arrange your flight.

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