Applesauce Page #10

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I wanted to scare you.

- Look, body parts

alone are scary, okay.

You didn't need the

tomato sauce, you know.

When I looked at it,

it felt like it needed something

a little extra, you know?

- Why didn't you use

fake blood?

- Okay, so my grandma is really

into making this marinara sauce

that's an old family recipe.

She makes jars and jars of it

and sends it to me all the time

and I love the stuff,

but I can't eat it because

it gives me heart burn

- and I can't bring myself to throw it away.

- I got it.

- I don't like to waste.

- I understand.

- Listen, can I ask

you a question?

- After all these years... It

happened such a long time ago.

Why did you do it now?

- Did you ever lose

something you really love?

No.

- All right.

Well, I'll tell you...

- Actually,

i just lost a friend.

We buried her today.

My god.

She died a couple of days ago.

I liked her.

I loved her.

We were friends.

But my wife... I love her.

If anything happened to her,

i don't know what I'd do.

I loved the saxophone, Ron.

Look, I'm sorry, but you

can still play, can't you?

Remember that one-armed drummer

from that band in the eighties

no one listens to anymore.

Remember that guy?

He got in a car accident.

- Def leppard is not

Charlie Parker, dude.

- That's a totally different thing.

- I know, I know, okay.

- Look man,

i can't go the rest of my life

I can't be terrified

every time I open my mail.

You know, I need some kind

of assurance that we're cool.

- We're cool.

We're cool.

I'm out of body parts, anyway.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- So, a finger, a foot,

and a penis.

That's all your friend sent you?

- Finger, foot and penis.

Yeah.

- That thing with the Chinese

restaurant and the penis.

That video was all over

the Internet, man.

- It's not funny, man.

It's not funny.

That restaurant

went out of business.

- Oh, well.

I didn't want that to happen.

He was a really nice guy

and he had a family.

Well, I'd take that back.

- If I could

take it back, I would.

I would take it back.

- Well, if I could go

back twenty years ago,

I would have never

gone to that frat party,

that's for sure.

It's good to have closure.

- There's no such thing

as closure, Ron.

None of us are saints.

None of us are perfect.

We're fallible.

We're vulnerable.

And ultimately, we are

responsible for our actions.

The choices we make,

the things we do,

and yes, the words we say,

they all have an effect,

for better or worse.

For every person I inspire,

there's someone else I piss off.

For every innocent life lost,

there's a thousand saved.

Flowers grow, flowers die.

The earth spins itself

round and round.

None of us know what's

going to happen tomorrow.

Maybe it's not that simple.

Maybe it is.

I don't have the answers.

I'm just one man

talking into a microphone.

I f***ed les.

- Anyway, it is Tuesday night

and you know what that means.

I want to hear the worst

thing you've ever done.

If you're brave enough

to share your story,

please, give me a call.

Phil, you're on the air.

Worst thing you've ever done?

- I haven't done

my worst thing yet.

- Well, everyone's

done their worst.

Even if it's a white lie,

it's still something.

- I'm going to do my

worst thing soon.

- Oh yeah.

What's that going to be?

I'm going to kill you.

Oh.

Is that right?

You deserve to die.

Why's that?

- I'm assuming you're the

guy sending me animal parts

in the mail?

Hello.

You will die tonight.

- Can we get a trace

on this call?

- Hi.

- Hey.

Smells good.

Yeah, it's a new recipe.

Awesome.

I want to smell.

Let me smell that.

- Ooh. Hi.

- Hi.

Hey, you've got a package.

I do?

It's from Ron.

Really?

- How's he doing,

by the way?

Don't ask.

Jesus!

- Mr. welz.

Are you all right?

- I'm good, Christopher.

Thanks for asking.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Did you miss me?

Did any of you all miss me?

Nobody loves Mr. welz anymore.

What happened?

But I really don't

want to get into it.

Do we have something to do?

What are we supposed

to be doing today?

Isn't... Something... Something...

- Well, our papers on

"alternative approaches to war"

were due today.

They were due.

- Alternative approaches

to war, that's right.

Yeah. Okay.

Does anyone want to

read their paper?

Kimberly.

Of course you do.

Kimberly, with all the answers.

Well, you don't

have all the answers.

Put your hand down.

You don't have any answers.

Nobody has any answers, okay.

There's no, there's no,

there's no...

Rain, I want to hear

your paper, actually.

Come up here and

enlighten us with your

alternative approaches to war.

I'm really curious as to

what you think about all this,

you know.

Because I've learned

something, I think.

Which is right,

it is all bullshit.

You were trying to

say that all along

because we are just destined to

repeat the mistakes of the past,

you know.

The byzantine empire,

the Roman empire,

the ottoman empire,

they all fell

and our empire's

going to fall too.

One day,

it's going to collapse, boom,

although they built

another one in its place,

there's still going to be

something missing, you know.

Face it.

We're pretty much f***ed!

Anyway, rain.

Please, read your paper.

Everyone's listening.

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