Applesauce Page #9

---

You don't eat sweets?

- Its good, right. It's delicious, it's amazing.

- Awesome.

So what's the status?

- We got the DNA samples

back from the body parts.

- Well, that's great.

Who's the victim?

No idea.

We couldn't track the person.

It's a male, white guy,

that's all we know.

That could be anybody.

- That's correct, there are a

lot of white people in New York.

- Okay, so now what?

What happens now?

So, we don't know who it is.

But this is where it gets

especially strange.

Okay.

- The blood on the foot,

it wasn't real.

- That doesn't make

any sense at all.

That doesn't make any sense.

You're saying it's fake blood?

Like fake blood from

like, the fake blood store?

Tomato sauce.

Tomato... Tomato sauce?

Marinara.

- Marinara?

Marinara?

Marinara, marinara,

like, the marinara sauce,

- yeah, marinara, marinara.

Yeah.

- Why would the guy put

marinara sauce on a real foot?

- Why would he do that?

- That, my friend, is a good question.

Yeah, and what's the answer?

- I don't have the answer.

The guy's probably nuts.

Yeah, the guys' probably nuts.

You talked to the guy?

Which one?

- Wally, the waiter,

the guy I went to college with.

- Yeah, yeah, that guy.

Yeah, we talked to him.

And?

He didn't do it.

- You didn't arrest the guy?

- No.

Why didn't you arrest the guy?

- I just told you,

he didn't do it.

Of course he did it.

This is the guy,

I'm telling you...

- Look, we interviewed the guy

and he was a really nice guy.

- He's a very nice guy.

- He is, yeah.

- Ted Bundy was a nice guy,

okay.

Just because your nice doesn't

mean you're not capable of

doing really f***ed up

crazy morbid up sh*t.

Hey, watch the tone.

I got to remember this place.

These cupcakes are awesome.

Have another one.

What?

Stop!

Police!!!

Somebody stop her!!

- She ripped my heart out.

I had no idea it was coming.

Oh, sh*t!

- We don't understand why

she was in Muslim garb.

- No, this is something

we just can't figure out.

We raised her as

a Greek orthodox.

- You know, I think that she

just really liked the style.

And she had very

eclectic tastes.

- Too bad it's not

an Irish funeral,

we could go get

f***ed up afterwards.

- Oh, that's what they do after an Irish funeral, right?

- Yeah.

- They all get wasted and dance around?

- Yeah.

- I've never been

to one of those.

- Hey, listen... I'm going

to have a photo opening

next week and I would

love for you to come.

You want to go to a

photo show next week?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, what kind of photos?

It's hardcore porn.

We have to go now, les.

I'm sorry we can't ask you

to come to dinner with us

but we only have a

reservation for four.

- You'll come by later and

we'll have some coffee.

- Good,

we have questions to ask.

You take care of yourself.

Oh sh*t.

I forgot to put these

by the grave.

I should go back, maybe.

- I'll put them there for you.

- Would you?

Yeah, of course.

Thanks, I'm so exhausted.

I feel like I'm

going to pass out.

You don't look well.

Have you been

drinking enough water?

No.

- Here les, drink this.

I'll be back.

It was a nice ceremony.

- When the priest kept saying,

"ashes to ashes

and dust to dust,"

all I could think about was how

badly I wanted a cigarette.

She's in a better place.

- You really think

being in a wooden box,

6 feet under,

is a better place?

Maybe, if you're agoraphobic.

- I haven't had a cigarette

in 25 years.

Really?

- You know, a lot of people

started smoking after 9/11.

- Maybe the cigarette

companies were behind it.

Where you're going to

scatter the ashes?

- What are you talking about?

We just buried her.

- I knew that.

My head's in the clouds.

- Les, aren't Kate's parents

coming by later?

You want me to help clean

some of this stuff up?

- No, no, it's okay.

It's all right.

- Don't worry about it.

- I don't mind.

- I would be happy to do it.

- Yeah, I can help tidy up, too.

- I could vacuum.

- No, Ron.

- Why don't you go home

and I'll meet you later.

- No, I want to keep

les company.

He needs us.

- You should go.

It's depressing here.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Oh no.

F***.

Hong Kong caf closed?

Oh, yeah, man.

- That was my favorite

restaurant.

Dude, it was mine too.

But you heard what

happened, right?

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, it was crazy.

- I didn't eat a severed... He

didn't eat a severed penis.

That's not what happened.

Cos I heard he ate a

whole severed penis.

No, man, you're misinformed.

He didn't... He didn't... It

didn't happen, so.

- Did you see the

rap video, though?

Rap video?

You're telling me, you did not

see penis in my Chinese food?

Penis in my Chinese food?

- Man, I can't let you leave

without seeing this video.

Dude, this is funny.

- There's a penis in my

Chinese food.

- You put the penis

in my Chinese food.

You put the penis

in my Chinese food.

Oh sh*t, that ain't good!

- You put the penis

in my Chinese food!

I was hungry so

i made an order...

- No, this is funny, man.

- That's not funny.

Is in the shitter,

because of stuff like this.

You laughing at it

enables insipid culture.

You should be ashamed

of yourself.

- Yo, dude.

It's just a video.

Lighten the f*** up.

Who's that?

I ordered Chinese food.

Keep the change.

Thanks.

- Should I just throw

this cheese out?

Just leave it on the counter.

Kate's parents might be hungry.

- Ok, sure.

- Thanks.

- That's such a nice

picture of you two.

Yeah.

You two were always smiling.

You looked so happy.

We weren't.

But, then, who really is?

I'm not.

- I didn't think I could feel

any emptier.

I feel exactly the same way.

- Is this where we're

supposed to kiss?

Do you want to?

I'm not sure.

- What do you want, les?

- Another blowj*b?

How's it going, man?

Good.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Go for it.

Thanks.

I know it was you.

You got me.

I'm not a good person.

- Yeah, but you've

got a nice cock.

- I guess that's all

that matters.

- So, you got my name

and information

from my credit card, obviously.

- How about the body parts?

Where did you get those?

- I got this buddy

up in saskatchewan

who works in a morgue.

Sometimes they get bodies

they can't identify, so.

He owed me a favor.

I had him send me

a cooler of parts.

- He didn't ask you why

you needed the body parts?

Not really.

I just told him I was

working on an art project

about suicide bombers.

That's interesting.

Are you an artist?

Not anymore.

That'll be Kate's parents.

I have to go pretend

that I care about them.

It'll be okay.

Then again, maybe it won't.

- All right,

what about the cops?

- That was easy.

I just told them I didn't do it.

- Yeah, they were in a hurry

to do something.

They wanted to go to a

caf to get cupcakes,

or something?

F***ing cupcakes?

Yeah, what's that all about?

- All right, what about

the tomato sauce?

- Yeah, you put tomato

sauce on the body parts?

Oh yeah.

Why did you do that?

- Dramatic effect.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes