Applesauce Page #8

---

No, it's a leave of absence.

- Okay, so great.

How long?

Like, a month.

And they're paying you?

Yeah.

Okay, so what's the big deal?

- I don't get why companies act

like a leave of absence with pay

is punishment.

It's a gift.

- That's a good way

of looking at it.

Hi.

Hi.

What the f*** are you doing?

I'm not really hungry.

You got any wine or any liquor?

- I know who's sending

you body parts.

F*** it, let's have a drink.

- It's just too simple, man. It's not that simple.

- Why?

- Because there are too many...

- Too many what?

- Too many suspects.

- Who?

You.

- I'm not sending you

body parts, okay.

My students, for one.

Who?

Rain, the one who hates me.

- Why would she send you

body parts?

Because she hates me.

- Where would she

get the body parts?

- Her grandfather has diabetes;

They amputated his foot.

That's f***ing ridiculous.

- You thought she took her

grandfather's amputated foot

and put it in the dryer?

- It's not funny.

- Yes, it is.

Actually it isn't.

My uncle has diabetes.

- Tom Hanks has diabetes.

- What?

- Okay and then I thought

maybe it was rain's mom.

- Why would she

send you body parts?

She hates arabs, okay

and that's the new trend

in the world,

is to blame the muslims.

- You're not Muslim.

- She doesn't know that.

It's this guy, the waiter.

He overheard us

talking that night.

- Where did he get my name?

Where did he get our address?

You paid for dinner.

- Yeah, I remember, because

you never pay for dinner.

But you did that night.

So he has your name and he

has your credit card number.

Finding out your address

with that information

isn't that difficult.

Okay, possibly.

But the chances that it's the

same guy from college,

- that was 20 years ago, there's no f***ing way.

- So what?

- It's too coincidental.

- This sh*t happens all the time.

He's right, he's right.

My aunt turned 50,

she went to Tibet

on a mountain

climbing expedition.

She gets to the top

of this mountain,

there's a man sitting on a rock,

next to a camp fire.

It's her high school

sweetheart,

who she has not seen

in 30 years.

- Bullshit.

- I swear to god it's true.

It's like the guy who

accidentally f***ed his sister

at a frat party.

- It's a little more

romantic than that.

I hired a private investigator

to do a background

check on this guy

and find out who he is.

- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.

- We can't afford a

private investigator.

- You don't have to worry about

it, I'm taking care of it.

- Well, that's pretty

big of you.

Well, I'm a big man, Ron.

Yeah, you are, very big.

Well, you would know, Nicki.

What are you talking about?

Oh, he didn't tell you?

Tell me what?

- You f***ed around with him, and that's what happens.

- I didn't f*** around with him.

- This is how I felt for the last two weeks!

- She sucked your dick?

I can't even believe you!

His name is Wally Moore,

age 42,

lives in sunset park,

born and raised in

Minneapolis, Minnesota.

He waits tables at the raven.

- Where did this guy

go to college?

- Boston college,

that's where I went to school,

- it's got to be the same guy.

- Holy sh*t.

What year did he graduate?

- He didn't.

- Why?

- It says he dropped out

his sophomore year.

- I don't know. It's strange

too, he had a scholarship.

What kind of scholarship?

Music.

Turns out, he had been

a noted saxophonist

from the time he was a child.

He was considered

something of a prodigy.

A prodigy, really?

- Yeah, he must have

been very good

because he's missing two

fingers on his hand.

F***.

- I ruined the guy's life.

- Come on, don't say that.

What's he talking about?

He cut the guys fingers off.

- Why did you do that?

- It was an accident.

- Oh, well,

that would account for

why he dropped out

of college.

I f***ed his whole life up.

He had dreams of being

the next Charlie Parker.

I severed his dreams,

literally, severed his dreams.

You can't be a saxophone player

with f***ing three fingers.

- Hey, look, remember

that one-armed drummer

from that rock band

back in the 80's?

- Remember that guy?

- Uh-huh.

What's your point?

I don't really have one.

How'd you find out all

this information so quickly?

Are you kidding?

I got half this sh*t

off his Facebook page.

- Oh, he looks happy.

- He does, doesn't he?

He doesn't look sad at all.

Maybe I didn't ruin his life.

- No, I think you

probably ruined his life.

Why do you say that?

- He likes to go to a

jazz club called dino's.

- You know the place?

- No.

Yeah, I know the place.

- Yeah, okay.

Well, go there sometime.

You'll see what

I'm talking about.

He's there almost every night.

What do we do, guys?

We should follow him.

- What?

- You want to follow him?

- I don't know, it's just the

first thing I thought of.

- That's a dumb idea.

Think things through for once.

- I'm not good at thinking,

okay.

The first time I saw that

famous statue by rodin,

I didn't even

recognize what he was doing.

- Did you see how sad

he looked?

That guys looked

really depressed,

- I did that.

- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.

- It's the music.

- That's why they

call it the blues.

- He could have had

an amazing career.

He could have been

the next scarlatti.

- Well, he also could have

been the next Kenny g.

Maybe you did the world a favor.

- I should go talk to him,

maybe.

I should maybe talk to him and

try to make amends, or something.

- Ron, you should

go to the police.

He's clearly the guy who's been

sending you those body parts

and he's dangerous.

She's right, Ron.

Right?

What?

What's wrong?

Why are you looking at me

like that?

I'm just looking at you.

You're so beautiful.

I can see why les wanted to

put his dick in your mouth.

- I've gotten my fair share of

hate mail all over the years,

telling me I'm a scumbag,

the scourge of the earth,

the cancer of the airwaves.

But no one's ever sent

me a severed animal head,

until today.

I think it was a cat,

I didn't keep it long enough

to find out.

It was terrifying

in a lot of ways,

knowing that someone went

through the trouble

to send me such a thing.

I'm a little rattled,

i will admit.

But I'm not deterred.

The words I say,

the opinions I take,

the thoughts in my head,

they will not cease.

They will flow from my mouth

like a furious river.

Decapitate all the cats in

Brooklyn if you have to.

Call in Isis!

I will not be intimidated!

You do not scare me!

- We're looking for

a Mr. Wally Moore.

That's me.

We would like to just ask

you a couple questions.

- Yeah, I've got a second.

What's up?

- Do you have a place,

we can speak privately?

Yeah, come on in back.

Thank you, sir.

- So I got something here

for you,

one of my favorite things.

This place has the best

cupcakes in Brooklyn.

So these are red velvet,

- and they are to die for.

- Dig in, buddy.

They are so good.

Come on, have one, wycoff.

- You don't eat sugar?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes