Applesauce Page #5

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i could make a difference,

to feel good about my life.

But I just feel like I'm

not reaching these kids.

I think it's the parents

to blame to be honest.

I mean, I really just think

that my students hate me.

- I hated all my teachers

in high school.

- You did?

- Yeah.

Even the ones you f***ed?

- Especially the ones I f***ed.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Did you f*** a lot of them?

- Oh yeah, actually, this shirt.

But can you wash it on cold?

Just wash all of it on cold.

- Wash it on hot.

Got it. I got it.

You need anything else?

Um... I don't think so.

- Anything dirty?

Your panties?

Are they a little crusty?

Are they a little dirty?

Can I take your panties and

give those a nice washing?

- You want my dirty panties?

- I like your dirty panties.

I like your nice,

crusty panties.

That's the best

thing in the world.

There's nothing like

a nice pile of yeast

to get me through the day.

You're disgusting.

- This would stop a war,

you know what I mean.

Instead of napalm, they

should've just shower

other countries

with your...

Do you want to fool

around before I go?

No.

Are you having an outbreak?

No.

- It's nothing to be

embarrassed about or ashamed of.

- Whatever.

You gave it to me.

- I do know that 100 percent.

I know that 100,000 percent.

- You were promiscuous

in college.

You didn't always

use protection.

It was awesome in college.

- See you later.

I love you.

- You've been saying

that a lot lately.

- I love you?

I've just been feeling amorous.

You know?

So what?

It's like you're compensating

for something.

- You're crazy.

I love you, okay?

You're my wife and i

want the world to know it.

I'll shout it from the streets

when I get downtown.

That's what I'm going to do.

Hey.

I'm making your

mother's Italian wedding soup.

I'm going out.

- I've got to go do something.

- What do you have to do?

Who you got to do it with?

- I've just got to meet someone.

- Okay, where are you going?

- I've got to do something.

- I made your favorite soup.

- It's going to be done

in twenty minutes.

- I can't stay.

- You need to stay.

- You cannot let one finger

ruin an entire life.

It's one little thing.

- I have to leave.

I'll be back later.

- Fine.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just going to...

- What are you doing?

Why did we get married?

I just want to remind

you of what happened

- that brought us together.

- What are you doing?

- I just want you to know what you'll be missing.

- I don't want to f*** you.

I'm going to blow you.

You're not going to f*** me.

- You don't have to do anything.

- I jerked off in the shower.

- Fine. Just stand there

and I'll make you...

Just come on.

F*** me up the ass.

You've always wanted to f*** me

up the ass and I never let you.

Get some self respect.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Are you f***ing walking out

on me right now?

- Can we just stop

fighting please?

Okay, I can't take

the drama anymore.

It's too much.

You used to be nice to me.

I know.

Prison's hard on a b*tch.

We've got to stick together.

I don't have any friends left.

Hello.

- How's it going?

- Hey man.

- Good to see you again.

- Good to see you too.

All right. Let me see which

one I haven't tried, here.

What are these?

Uh, those are red velvet.

Let me try one of those

and a decaf coffee, please.

Sounds good.

I better get one for my

wife too, don't you think?

- Yeah, you better.

- Let me get a red velvet to go.

- She'll like that.

- All right, all right.

She'll think that's nice.

That'll be $7.25.

$7.25?

Easy! Easy!

- Easy! Easy!

- You know that movie?

- I do.

- Great movie.

What the f***?

What the f***?

- Did you see any suspicious

people in the laundromat

while you were doing

your laundry?

- Officer.

This is a Brooklyn laundromat.

Everyone in here looks

like they're on parole.

- Did you check the dryer

before you put your clothes in?

What do you mean?

Was it empty?

Perhaps the foot was

left by the person

who dried his

clothes before you.

- Yeah, I'm sure

that's what happened.

Some people leave

behind spare socks.

Some people leave

behind severed feet.

Mystery solved.

Are you being sarcastic?

- No.

Not at all.

There's a lot of other people

out there with bigger problems.

- Yeah, but most of the

people out there complaining,

their problems that

aren't that big of a deal.

- It's the American way.

- Oh yeah?

- Whoa! Mother f***er.

Goddammit!

- If I had to guess,

I'd say it belongs to a male.

Approximately 5' 10" in height.

- Will you put that away,

please?

- Jesus Christ.

- Relax, sir. It's just a foot.

- No, man,

I'm freaking out over here.

- Just put it in the bag.

Put it in the bag, okay.

Hey, buddy. Relax.

It's going to be all right.

You've just had a

traumatic experience.

- No, man, feet just give

me the creeps in general.

I can't even look at my

wife's feet and they're lovely.

Well, consider yourself lucky.

My wife's feet

are pretty horrific.

How is Janet?

We got our 20th anniversary

coming up.

Oh, that's great.

- Yeah. We're going to get out

of the city for a day or two.

Where are you going to go?

Jersey.

Sorry, I'm late.

You're not going to believe

what happened to me.

Oh.

I want you to leave.

Over a kiss?

- You don't throw someone out

of the apartment over a kiss?

- Ron, you touched

her tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell?

- Her p*ssy, Ron.

You touched her p*ssy.

Maybe I should leave.

- I had to.

My marriage is falling apart.

- So you're trying to

break up our marriage now?

- No, I just thought

she needed to know.

Why did you tell les?

I'd been carrying it too long.

You're not supposed to

hold on to things like that.

It'll cause cancer.

Everything causes cancer.

Why did either of you do this?

Why?

Are you attracted to each other?

- No!

- No!

- I don't like fat guys.

- F*** you.

- I'm leaving.

- Sit down.

- You leave, Ron.

And you are fat.

- I'm the bad guy here, right?

I'm the f***ing a**hole!

- Yeah, you are an a**hole.

- I'm the dick?

- Do you want to know what her

psychopath of a husband did tonight?

Do you want to know?

Listen to this sh*t.

He followed me to the laundromat

and he put a severed

foot in the dryer

when I was out

getting cupcakes.

- What the hell are

you talking about?

Les sent me a severed finger

and he put a f***ing

severed foot in our laundry.

- Nothing that you're saying

makes any sense right now.

Why do you think I was at

the laundromat for so long?

- I don't know.

- I was talking to the police.

- Here's the police report.

Look at it.

This is a f***ing nightmare.

Take it!

Okay, so where's this foot?

The police took it.

Where did they take it?

To the police station.

You think they're going

to let me bring it home

and use it as a doorstop?

It's evidence.

- Who's foot is it, Ron?

Who's foot?

Daniel day-Lewis'?

How am I supposed to know

whose f***ing foot it is.

I don't know.

Cut me some f***ing

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