Applesauce Page #6

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slack here, okay.

Somebody is f***ing

with me in a big,

major f***ing way,

and it's this guy here.

- Wait. What did you do

with the laundry?

I threw it away.

- Why would you throw

the laundry away?

- Do you want me to bring

the laundry back here?

There was a hot, severed,

festering foot in the laundry.

You want me to

bring it back here?

Do you know how

unsanitary that is?

I was thinking about us.

That sh*t's toxic.

I f***ing hate you.

My favorite shirt

was in that laundry.

- Can I talk to you

for a second please?

It'll just take a second.

Just have a seat, please.

Your book bag looks a

little heavy today.

What you got in there?

- Since when did you start

carrying books in your book bag?

Listen, I just learned that

your grandfather had his...

He lost his foot.

What?

He had his foot amputated?

He had his leg amputated.

So, it's true.

What are you saying right now?

- Do you have access

to the foot?

Did you have access to

the foot in some way?

- No, I do not have

access to his foot.

- Look, rain.

I know you don't like me, okay.

But what you're doing

is criminal behavior

and if you don't stop,

I'm telling you,

it could jeopardize your

chances at college.

- What are you

accusing me of, exactly?

- Just stop what

you're doing, sister.

Sister?

Just, stop what you're doing

because if you don't stop

what you're doing,

I'm going to make your life

a living hell, okay.

I'm going to f*** you up.

You're f***ing ridiculous.

- If you keep interfering

with my life, okay?

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

- He's making the

whole thing up.

Of course he is.

- I manage multi-million

dollar accounts.

I do business with

fortune 500 CEOs.

- No, you don't.

Which ones?

Okay, middle-managers.

But they could be CEOs one day.

What's your point?

- The point is that I'm not

sending body parts to Ron

and the fact that I'm having

dinner to defend myself

is beyond insulting.

- It's about more than that.

It's about fixing things.

I'm not ready.

- There's a lot of negative

energy between us right now,

but the important thing

is that we're here

and we're being honest

with each other.

It shows that we care

and that we think this

friendship is worth saving.

Right?

Uh-huh.

- Great speech.

- Thanks.

- Seriously.

Martin Luther King, Jr. worthy.

Are you all ready to order?

- I'm not really hungry but

I'll have another drink please.

- Me too,

I'll have another one.

Yeah, more sangria, please.

- Yeah.

Another, please.

- Just keep them coming, okay.

Just keep bringing drinks.

- Of course.

- Yeah, thanks.

We can probably just have

something light tonight,

like fingerfood.

Les, you've probably have

some on hand, right?

Fingerfood? Can you give

us some finger food?

A little finger action?

You know, Ron,

I'm not the

passive-aggressive type.

If I wanted revenge, I wouldn't

send you body parts.

I'd just take you out back

and beat the sh*t out of you.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

And I still might.

- Let's go out here, right now.

- Let's go.

- Just stop it.

Sit down, right now.

- You wanna go?

- Sit down. Sit down.

You think I'm playing around?

No one is going outside.

- We're going to sit here

like mature adults

- and work through this.

- If Italy and Turkey were in a war,

we'd f***ing beat the

sh*t out of all you guys.

- We own you!

- No, we'd f*** you up!

- Constantinople?

That's a Roman city?

- That was then.

I'm talking about now.

Yeah, that sh*t's coming back.

- Turkish little prick.

- Right in front.

Right here, right now.

Men are so stupid.

- Alcohol is the greatest

drug on earth, you know.

There's a reason why

they call them spirits.

Because they sure do lift them.

I've got to make a phone call.

Who you gonna call?

- Ghostbusters.

None of your f***ing business.

Tell bill Murray I said hello.

- It's just a work thing.

I'll be right back.

Isn't les like that a**hole boss

that everyone hates at work?

He's always looking over your

shoulder and micro-managing you.

Now that he's gone,

it's like we're on vacation

and we can just relax.

- I'm going to go to the

bathroom.

- Okay, baby.

I love you.

- Uh-huh.

Try not to finger each other.

- That's funny.

Isn't that funny?

No.

- Everything's falling apart.

Right before our very eyes.

- Who cares?

Another failed marriage or two.

It's not even going to make

a dent in the divorce rate.

Think about what's

happening in Iraq.

They've got problems.

This is nothing.

I have a healthy marriage.

I had a healthy marriage.

And I have to fix this.

Be honest.

Don't you think these

two are blowing things

out of proportion

a little bit.

Yeah, a little bit.

- Is that really the worst

thing you've ever done?

Cheated on your husband?

- I don't consider what

happened with you cheating.

I've done more than that

with first cousins, okay?

Then why are you so guilty?

Why are you overridden

with guilt?

You're not supposed to do

that when you're married.

- I don't think so.

I just think you're confused.

- Les showed me video

of you in college.

You were at some kind of parade,

and you were down on all fours

and you were wearing furry ears

and howling at the moon.

I don't know what that was

about but it was ridiculous.

That was for animal rights.

That wasn't confusion.

It was for animal rights.

- Animals don't have rights,

Kate.

Yes, they do.

- You and Bob barker,

i swear to god.

What about Bob barker?

- Remember, at the end

of the price is right,

he would say, "get your

pets spayed and neutered. "

- Remember when he'd say that?

- Yeah. Yeah, you should.

- He's the one who should

have been neutered, okay.

He was f***ing

everybody on that show.

They should have cut his

balls off, probably.

- Well, listen.

That's the other thing.

He peed on a puppy

and I think that's why i

just wanted to hurt him.

That's why I told him about us.

Bob barker peed on a puppy?

- No!

Les peed on a puppy.

- Les peed on a puppy?

- Yes.

- Why did he pee on a puppy?

- I don't know.

- What kind of person

pees on a puppy?

- It's disturbing, I know.

- It is disturbing.

- It's serial killer sh*t

is what it is.

That's what they do.

It's a common denominator.

They torture animals

at a young age.

I'm telling you.

He's sending me body parts.

- He is.

- No, he's not.

He looked you in the eyes and

he told you he wasn't doing it.

He is not sending

you body parts.

- I don't believe it.

- He's not. No.

- Especially now,

after hearing this.

- He would never.

- He's dangerous.

You're in danger.

Oh hey, what's up?

We were just talking about

"the brothers karamazov,

that book,

that Russian novel.

If I had finished reading it,

it might have been the

best book I ever read.

I didn't finish it either.

What's on your face?

Should we order some food?

I am f***ing starving.

Yeah.

Right there.

Yeah, that's good.

Oh yeah.

F*** me harder!

Yeah.

Oh god!

Oh god!

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