Arsenic and Old Lace Page #3

Look at me, darling.

You knew what you'd done and didn't want

Reverend Harper to see the body?

Well, not at tea.

That wouldn't have been very nice.

It's first-degree.

Now, Mortimer, you know all about it

and just forget about it.

I do think that Martha and I have the right

to our own little secrets.

Abby, while I was out I dropped in

on Mrs. Schultz. She's much better.

But she wants us to take Junior

to the movies again.

We must do that, tomorrow or next day.

Yes, but this time we'll go

where we want to go.

Junior's not going to drag me

into another one of those scary pictures.

They ought not to be allowed

to make pictures just to frighten people.

Operator?

Can you hear my voice?

You can?

Are you sure?

Then I must be here.

The dears. Isn't Halloween

a wonderful time for them?

Yes, it is. They have so much fun.

Now, Mortimer, don't be so impatient.

-We'll let you lick the bowl.

-Lick the bowl?

I don't want to.

I want to know what we're going to do!

We're going to celebrate.

Celebrate? There's a body

in the windowseat!

Yes, dear. Mr. Hoskins.

I know what his name is. I want to know

what we're going to do.

-We can't turn you over to the police.

-Stop worrying about it.

We told you to forget the whole thing.

Forget? Can't I make you realize

that something has to be done?

Now, Mortimer, you behave.

You're too old

to be flying off the handle like this.

-But Mr. Hodgekiss--

-Hoskins, dear.

Whatever his name is,

you can't leave him in there.

We don't intend to, dear.

Teddy's down in the cellar now,

digging the lock.

You're going to bury

Mr. Hodgekiss in the cellar?

Yes, dear.

That's what we did with the others.

Look, here, Aunt Martha. You can't....

-Others?

-The other gentlemen.

When you say "others,"

do you mean "others"?

-More than one "others"?

-Yes, dear.

Let me see now. This is 1 1, isn't it, Abby?

No, dear. This makes 12.

Abby, dear, I think you're wrong.

This one is only 1 1 .

No, dear, because I remember

when Mr. Hoskins first came in...

...it occurred to me

that he'd make just an even dozen.

But, Abby, dear, I really don't think

you should count the first one.

I was counting the first one,

and that makes it 12.

It does?

Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is.

I get them mixed up sometimes.

Makes it 12.

Hello.

Whatever is the matter

with Mortimer today?

Why, Abby,

what do you think happened to him?

Hello?

Not now. For heaven's sake,

keep your shirt on!

Elaine, I didn't mean--

Now, let's see. Where were we?

Twelve. Twelve!

Yes, dear.

Abby thinks we should count the first one.

Never mind about that. Just sit down.

Tell me, who was the first one?

Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist.

He was such a lonely, old gentleman.

All his kith and kin were dead.

We felt so sorry for him.

And then, when his heart attack came...

...and he sat there dead in that chair...

...looking so peaceful. Remember, Martha?

We made up our minds, then and there...

...that if we could help

other lonely, old men...

...to find that same peace...

...we would.

Why, you poor....

You mean, he dropped dead

right in this chair?

And then, you see,

Teddy came up from digging in Panama...

...and he thought Mr. Midgely

was a yellow-fever victim.

And that meant

he had to be buried immediately.

So, we all took him down to Panama...

...and put him in the lock

and gave him a decent Christian burial.

There, now you see? That's why

we told you not to bother about it...

...because we know exactly

what's to be done.

Wait a minute!

Come here, darling.

What about the others?

All 12 of them didn't walk in here

and drop dead.

No, dear. Of course not!

Well, so....

-Mortimer.

-What?

Do you remember those jars of poison

on the shelves...

...in Grandfather's laboratory

all these years?

You know your Aunt Martha's knack

for mixing things.

You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.

Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine...

...l take one teaspoonful of arsenic...

...then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.

And then, just a pinch of cyanide.

Should have quite a kick.

As a matter of fact,

one of our gentlemen found time to say:

"How delicious! "

He did? Well, wasn't that nice of him?

Abby, we mustn't be standing here

gossiping all night.

We must get that cake frosted.

Don't worry about the cake.

I couldn't eat a thing.

You newlyweds! A sip of wine

will give you an appetite.

That'd be nice, darling, a sip of....

A sip of wine!

Wine!

I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.

He's wonderful. Happy as a lark.

Singing away, digging locks.

Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.

I can see the headlines now:

"Murder lncorporator Rides Again"

right across the front page.

Let me see....

Teddy! Of course.

Everybody knows he's crazy.

Let me see. Who can I call up?

Dewey, La Guardia, Winchell?

No, Winchell's no good.

Old Judge Cullman!

I wonder if I got his number.

What am I doing with tickets?

Information.

Information?

Get me the number of Judge Cullman

on North Shore Road, Brooklyn.

Yeah, would you call me back?

Wouldn't it be marvelous

if he wasn't there?

Hey, you!

Thought you were tall, dark streak of light.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Didn't you hear me whistle?

Whistle? Oh, yes.

I heard you whistle.

-How do I look?

-You look fine.

-Run on home. I'll call you up tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?

You know I always call you up

every day or two.

You and your gags! Where's your hat?

The bags are in the taxi.

-Come on!

-I'm so sorry. Something's happened.

What'd you do, lose your nerve?

Where's that look

I was going to see so often?

Stop! Don't whistle in my ear, please.

What's wrong? Look at your hair.

What color is it? Has it turned?

Darling, what's the matter?

What happened?

Those flowers are so beautiful.

If I could only tell you, Elaine.

You smell so nice.

You better go home!

-But, darling, we were married today.

-Go to bed, get some rest!

Rest?

Who? Judge Cullman?

This is Mortimer Brewster. I'll tell you

why I called you. It's about Teddy.

I've got to come over

and see you right away.

It won't wait until tomorrow, Judge.

It's very, very important.

We've got to do something immediately.

But it's a matter of life and.... Elaine!

Will you get out of here?

What on earth is going on here?

I don't know where I stand!

-Anywhere, but don't stand there!

-But Niagara Falls!

-If it does, we'll let it!

-Wait a minute! Listen.

You can't marry me

and then throw me out!

I'm not throwing you out of the house!

Will you get out of here?

I'm sorry, Judge. A thing happened.

Judge, about Teddy, he's--

It's his bugle blowing.

The police want to throw

him into a state institution.

How do you like that?

-I read an ad here about a room to rent.

-Shut up!

If you sign the papers and Teddy commits

himself, we can get him to Happy Dale.

It's a wonderful place.

You will?

Fine! I'll be over

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