Arsenic and Old Lace Page #4

as soon as I've made another call.

Doorbell's ringing, dear.

How do you do? Come in.

I understand you've got a room to rent.

Do step in.

-Are you the lady of the house?

-Yes, I'm Miss Brewster.

Operator? Give me long distance, please.

And this is my sister.

Another Miss Brewster.

-My name's Gibbs.

-Well, do sit down.

I'm sorry,

we're just setting the table for dinner.

Now, this would be

a nice comfortable chair.

Long distance? I want the Happy Dale

Sanitarium, Happy Dale, New York.

-Is Brooklyn your home?

-I live in a hotel. Don't like it.

Are your family Brooklyn people?

-Haven't got any family.

-All alone in the world?

-Well, Martha....

-No, Happy Dale.

Well, you've come to just the right house.

-Do sit down.

-Dale.

"D" Iike in "dig," when you dig a lock.

That's right.

"A" Iike in "arsenic." Got that?

Is there always this much noise?

He doesn't live with us.

I can see the headlines now. Please.

I'd like to see the room.

I don't think I'll like it.

The room's upstairs.

Won't you try a glass of our wine

before we start up?

Never touch it.

Well, we make this ourselves.

It's elderberry wine.

Elderberry?

I haven't tasted elderberry wine

since I was a boy.

-Thank you.

-Operator!

I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry!

I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium!

Sanitarium! Sanitarium!

Yes, like a broken record!

-Have your own elderberry bushes?

-No, but the cemetery's full of them.

Well, skoal.

Hello, operator! What's taking so long?

It's only across the river!

I could swim it faster!

Yes!

Hello! Hell--

What--

What, they're busy?

Busy?

They're busy and you're dizzy!

No, I'm not drunk, madam,

but you've given me an idea!

Darling, I'm nervous. Don't do that.

Not that.

Get out of here! Do you want

to be poisoned, murdered, killed?

They're nuts!

You're telling me!

Look, you can't do things like that!

Now I don't know

how I can explain this to you...

...but it's not only against the law,

it's wrong.

Oh, piffle!

It's not a nice thing to do.

People wouldn't understand.

He wouldn't understand.

What I mean is....

This is developing into a very bad habit!

Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium?

That's amazing, operator.

Happy Dale?

Let me talk to Mr. Witherspoon, please.

Mr. Witherspoon speaking.

How do you do, Mr. Brewster?

How are you?

Mr. Witherspoon, do you--

I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

Do you remember our conversation about

committing my brother to Happy Dale?

You do? Well, we want

to commit him there immediately.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. That's too bad.

Well, I'd hoped we wouldn't have him

for some time yet.

We have several Theodore Roosevelts

at the moment...

...and it would lead to trouble.

Well, now, if he thought that--

Mr. Brewster, we're a bit short

of Napoleons at present.

Bonaparte. And if--

Oh, I see. Of course.

Well, if your mind is made up. Yes.

Have you had the papers drawn up?

No, but I'll do it now

and call you as soon as I have them.

Thank you, Mr.-- What?

All right. Thank you, Mr. Witherspoon.

Another Roosevelt. Oh, dear.

Now listen, I'm going to Judge Cullman's,

but I want you to promise me something.

Well, we'd have to know what it was first.

I love you both very much.

You know I'd do anything for you,

don't you?

Yes, dear.

I want you to do one thing for me,

like good girls.

What do you want us to do?

Don't do anything.

I mean, don't do anything!

Don't let anyone in the house

and leave Mr. Whosit where he is.

Get off that thing. I can't talk to you....

I can't concentrate.

I wouldn't want anything

in the world to happen to you.

What on earth could happen to us?

Well, darling....

Anyway, you'll do that little thing for me,

won't you?

Where's my hat? There it is.

-But, Mortimer.

-What?

We were planning to hold services

before dinner.

-Couldn't that wait until I get back?

-You could join us in the hymns!

Yes, darling, I'll sing with you,

I'll dance with you, anything.

Remember, don't let anybody in the house

until I get back.

You promise?

Good.

What?

Stop that. What is it?

Mr. Hoskins' hat!

-Do you still want me to wait?

-Yes! Call me a cab!

-Hey, cab! Here you are.

-Don't open it. I'll sit with you!

Yeah, that's right.

I can go faster that way. Sure.

Wait a minute! What am I doing?

Fancy getting nice Mr. Hoskins' hat

all mussed up.

Shame! Such a nice hat.

You know, Mortimer didn't seem

to be quite himself today.

Oh, well.

What were you saying about Mortimer?

I think I understand why

he seemed so upset.

Why?

He's just been married.

I believe that always makes

a man a little nervous.

Yes. The poor dears.

I'm so happy for Elaine.

Abby!

If Mortimer's coming back for the services,

we'll need another hymnal.

There's one up in my room.

I'll go, dear.

We promised Mortimer

we wouldn't let anyone come in.

It's two men,

and I've never seen them before.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Let me look.

-You look.

-Do you recognize them?

-No, they're strangers to me.

We'll just have to pretend

we're not at home.

Come in, doctor.

This is the home of my youth.

As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape

from this house.

Now I'm glad to escape back into it.

Yes, Johnny, it's a good hideout.

The family must still live here.

I hope there's a fatted calf

awaiting the return of the prodigal.

A fatted calf?.

Johnny, I'm so hungry.

Look, Johnny. Drink.

As if we were expected.

A good omen.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha.

It's Jonathan.

You get out of here!

I'm Jonathan, you know.

Your nephew, Jonathan.

No, you're not.

You're nothing like Jonathan,

so don't pretend you are.

You just get out of here.

I see you're still wearing

the lovely garnet ring...

...that Grandma Brewster

bought in England.

And you, Aunt Martha,

still the high collar...

...to hide the scar

where Grandfather's acid burned you.

Why, his voice is like Jonathan's.

Have you been in an accident?

My face.

Dr. Einstein is responsible for that.

He's a plastic surgeon.

But I've seen that face before.

Do you remember when we took

the little Schultz boy to the movies...

...and I was so frightened?

It was that face.

Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy.

Don't worry. The last five years,

I give him three different faces.

I give him another one right away.

That last face. I saw that picture, too...

...just before I operated. I was intoxicated.

You see, doctor, what you've done to me?

-Even my own family think I'm--

-Johnny, Johnny!

You are home in this lovely house.

You know...

...how many times he tells me...

...about Brooklyn, about this house

and about his aunts...

...he loves so much?

They know you.

Please tell him so.

Jonathan...

...it's been a long time.

Bless you. It's good to be home again.

We mustn't let what's on the stove

boil over.

If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan.

Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere.

Where do we go from here?

You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face.

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