Arsenic and Old Lace Page #5

I got to operate on you right away.

We got to find someplace.

We got to find someplace

for Mr. Spenalzo, too.

Don't waste any worry on that rat.

But we got a hot stiff on our hands.

Forget Mr. Spenalzo.

But, Johnny, we can't leave

a dead body in the rumble seat.

You shouldn't have killed him.

Just because he knows something

about us, what happens?

We come to him for help

and he tries to shake us down.

Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff.

That's your work, doctor.

You did that to me.

Please, Johnny, take it easy.

We'll find some place

and I'll fix you up right away.

Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first.

This time, I want the face

of an absolute nonentity.

Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do.

You see, I'm going to take this piece here

and lift it up--

Be careful about the stitches this time.

You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--

-You were careless last time.

-And new stitches.

And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt.

That's my specialty.

-I take it together like this--

-Leave the eyes alone.

Leave the nose alone.

Poor Teddy.

I imagine it's for the best.

"Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--"

Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me.

Right there.

Sometimes I think,

with the world in its present chaotic state--

Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale.

I sign here as next of kin, don't l?

Only last week I created a mild sensation...

...at the Bar Association, when I said--

Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you.

Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week.

I've been feeling rather lonely.

No! Never tell them

you've been lonely. Never!

-Why, I don't--

-Judge!

Tell me, are you a drinking man?

Why, no. I never indulge.

Good! Then you'll live longer.

Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine!

I may be committing the wrong Brewster.

Well, I'm sure you both want to get

to wherever you're going.

My dear, sweet aunties,

I'm so full of your delicious dinner...

-...l'm unable to move a muscle.

-Yes, it's nice here.

I found it!

Gentlemen, be seated.

Here it is, gentlemen.

The story of my life, my biography.

Here's the picture I was telling you about.

Here we both are.

President Roosevelt and General Goethals

at Culebra Cut.

That's me, General, and that's you.

My, how I've changed!

That picture hasn't been taken yet.

We haven't started work on Culebra Cut.

We're still digging locks.

And now, General, we will both go

to Panama and inspect the new lock.

No, Teddy. Not to Panama.

Maybe some other time, Mr. President.

Panama is a long ways off.

-Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar.

-The cellar?

We let him dig the Panama Canal

in the cellar.

-General Goethals?

-Yes, sir.

As President of the US, Commander

in Chief of the Army and Navy...

...and the man who gave you this job...

...l demand that you accompany me

on the inspection of the new lock.

I think it's time for you to go to bed.

I beg your pardon. Who are you?

I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed.

No, you're not Wilson.

But your face is familiar.

You're not anyone I know now.

Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa.

You look like someone

I might meet in the jungle.

I think, perhaps,

you had better go to bed, Teddy.

He and his friend want to get back

to their hotel.

General Goethals, inspect the canal.

All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama.

Bully, bully! Follow me, General.

It's down south, you know.

Well, bon voyage!

I must correct your misapprehension.

You talked of our hotel.

We have no hotel. We came here directly.

This is not your home,

and I'm afraid you can't stay here.

Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

You remember that, as a boy,

I could be disagreeable.

It would not be pleasant for any of us if....

I don't have to go into details, do l?

Perhaps we'd better let them

stay here tonight.

Come here. Quick.

I forgot to tell you...

...Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's

laboratory into an operating room.

We expect to be very busy.

-Down here, what do you think I find?

-What?

The Panama Canal.

And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo.

See the hole he's digging.

Four feet wide, six feet long.

He just fits!

You'd think he knew

we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo along.

That's hospitality.

Rather a good joke on my aunts.

They're living in a house

with a body buried in the cellar.

How do we get him in here?

Yes, we can't just walk

Mr. Spenalzo in through the door.

We'll get the car and after they're in bed,

we'll bring him in through the window.

Bed.

We're moving the car behind the house.

You'd better get to bed.

The car is all right where it is

until morning.

I don't want to leave it in the street.

That might be against the law.

What are we going to do?

We're not going to let them spend

more than one night in this house.

What would the neighbors think?

People coming in here with one face

and going out with another.

What are we going to do

about Mr. Hoskins?

Mr. Hoskins!

It can't be very comfortable

for him in there.

And he's been so patient, the poor dear.

I think Teddy had better take

Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.

General Goethals was very pleased.

He said the canal was just the right size.

Teddy, there's been

another yellow-fever victim.

Dear me!

This will be a shock to the General.

No, we must keep it a secret.

A state secret?

Yes, a state secret.

Promise?

You have the word of the President

of the United States.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Now, let's see.

How are we going to keep it a secret?

Teddy, I think you'd better get back down

into the cellar.

And then...

...when I turn out the lights,

when everything's dark here...

...you come up and take

the poor man down to the canal.

Now get along.

And we'll come down later

and hold services.

-Where is the poor devil?

-In the windowseat.

It seems to be spreading.

We've never had yellow fever there before.

I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins!

My goodness! That's right, you were out.

You just come right along

and see him now.

You know, he's really very nice looking,

considering that he's a Methodist.

We're bringing the luggage through here.

Your room is waiting for you.

You can go right up.

I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours.

You two run along to bed.

But you must be very tired. Both of you.

-And we don't go to bed this early.

-It's time I came home to take care of you.

Take the bags upstairs.

For the instruments, I'll come back later.

Good night.

Now, we'll all go to bed.

I'll wait until you're up

and then turn out the lights.

Run along, Aunt Martha.

Just off the laboratory, Doctor.

-All right, Aunt Abby.

-I'll be right up.

Now! Turn out the lights.

Aunt Abby.

He's all right, Johnny.

I'll open the window.

You go round and hand him through.

But he's too heavy for me.

You go outside and push,

and I'll stay here and pull.

And then together we take him

down to Panama.

All right. We must be quick.

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