Arsenic and Old Lace Page #6

I'll take a look around outside the house.

When I tap on the glass,

you open the window.

Yeah.

It's dark in here.

Where am l?

Here I am.

Who left this open?

Okay, wait a minute. Hand him over.

Now I have him. Allez, up!

Now, wait a minute.

You lost a leg somewhere.

Help me. He's so heavy.

Now I have him. Now I got him.

-Be careful.

-But his shoe came off.

Help me. He's so heavy.

Now I've got him!

Johnny, somebody's at the door.

Go open, quick.

I'll manage Spenalzo. Go, quick!

Mortimer!

Aunt Abby!

Aunt Martha!

Who is it?

Is that you, Teddy?

Who are you?

I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door.

What are you doing here?

I came here to see my husband, Mortimer.

Why did you say your name was Harper?

It is Harper. I mean, it's Brewster.

I'm not very used to it.

I'm a brand-new Brewster.

Doctor!

It's all right. It's okay.

Maybe you'd better explain

what you're doing here.

We happen to live here.

You don't live here.

I'm in this house every day,

I've never seen you before.

Where are Martha and Abby?

What have you done to them?

Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.

May I present Dr. Einstein?

Dr. Einstein?

A surgeon of great distinction.

And something of a magician.

-I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--

-I am Jonathan Brewster.

-You're Jonathan.

-You've heard of me?

-Yes, they talk about you.

-What do they say about me?

Just that there's another brother

named Jonathan, that's all.

That explains everything.

Now that I know who you are...

...l'll just be running along

if you'll kindly unlock the door.

"That explains everything."

Just what do you mean by that?

Why do you come here

at this time of night?

I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.

I suppose it was you.

You thought you saw someone drive up?

Yes. Weren't you just outside?

lsn't that your car?

-You saw someone at the car?

-Yes.

-What else did you see?

-Just that, that's all!

I see. Is that why you came over here?

No, I came to see Mortimer.

But if he's not home, I'll run--

-You've given two names.

-You're hurting me!

I think she's dangerous.

No visitors. It's going to be

a private funeral.

-Tell these men who I am!

-That's my daughter, Alice.

No!

Don't be a tomboy.

Don't play rough with the gentlemen.

Charge!

Doctor, the cellar.

Let go of me!

Let go of me!

What's the matter?

What's happening down there?

What's the matter?

What are you doing there?

We caught a burglar, a sneak thief.

Go back to your room.

-We'll call the police.

-I'll handle this. Go back to your room.

Do you hear me?

Don't answer that.

Don't answer that!

Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs?

Never mind that now, darling.

What are you doing

with your best clothes on?

Holy.... What's that?

What's that thing that looks like

a cigar-store dummy?

-It's your brother and Dr. Einstein.

-Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in?

-Who did you say it was?

-It's your brother, Jonathan!

-I've come back home, Mortimer.

-What?

I've come back home, Mortimer.

"I've come back home, Mortimer."

Listen, it talks!

Yes, I talk.

Mortimer, have you forgotten

the things I used to do to you...

...when you were tied to the bedpost?

The needles under your fingernails.

-Mortimer, he--

-Wait a minute.

Holy mackerel!

It is Jonathan!

I'm glad you remember, Mortimer.

Yeah, I remember.

How could I forget you?

Where'd you get that face? Hollywood?

Don't you two boys start quarreling

the minute you've seen each other.

We invited Jonathan

and Dr. Einstein to stay.

-What?

-Just for tonight.

No, I'm staying here tonight.

-In fact, I'm staying here from now on.

-What about me?

There's no room for anybody else here.

Please, just a moment.

So take that little squirt and beat it!

Where's Teddy?

I've got to see him right away.

We don't take up much room.

Johnny can sleep on the sofa,

and I'll sleep on the windowseat.

Nothing to....

Windowseat?

Certainly not on the windowseat.

I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.

I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.

Now look.

Now, be a good fellow.

Here's $10. Go out

and haunt yourself a hotel.

Mortimer, you know what I do

to people who order me around.

Mr. Spenalzo.

What?

What's going to happen to Mr. Spenalzo?

We can't leave him here

in the windowseat.

Doctor, I've completely lost track

of Mr. Spenalzo.

Wait! Who's this Mr. Spenalzo?

A friend of ours Johnny was looking for.

Don't bring anyone else in here.

Now, beat it!

It's all right, Johnny.

While we are packing,

I'll tell you about him.

I'll take care of you, Mortimer,

in just a little while.

How do you like that?

The guy stays away for 20 years

and picks tonight to come back.

Elaine, what are you doing here?

-Mortimer!

-What's the matter, darling?

-I almost got killed.

-Killed?

Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha!

No! It was Jonathan!

He mistook her for a sneak thief.

-Oh, that.

-It was worse than that.

He's some kind of a maniac.

I'm afraid of him.

Darling, don't worry about it.

I'm here now. Forget it.

We were married today,

we were going over Niagara Falls...

...your brother tries to strangle me,

a taxi's waiting...

...and now you want to sleep

on a windowseat!

Windowseat. Witherspoon.

-You'd better run along home.

-What?

Go on home like a good girl.

I got things to do.

-But--

-Please.

Operator?

Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0, please.

But didn't you hear what I was just saying?

Your own brother Jonathan,

he was trying to strangle me!

-Please! This is important!

-That?

Mr. Witherspoon?

This is Mortimer Brewster.

Yes, Mr. Brewster.

Well, I don't understand you.

-He was going to kill me!

-Wait, I can't hear the man.

Well, look.

I've got the papers all drawn up.

I know it's late, but come down here

and get my brother immediately!

Please, darling.

By the way, you've had the papers signed

by your brother and the doctor, of course?

By the doctor?

Oh, holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor!

Please, be quiet! Can't you see

I've got to get a doctor?

What kind of a doctor? A family doctor?

You can take your honeymoon,

wedding ring, taxi, windowseat...

...put them in a barrel,

and push them all over Niagara Falls!

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Why don't you come down here anyway?

While you're getting here,

I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.

I'll get both signatures.

Yeah, well, come right away.

What's the matter with her?

Let me sit down.

Let me think about this thing.

Doctor, Teddy, signature....

Hoskins!

Ye gods! There's another one!

Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!

-Come in here!

-We're busy.

No, you come in here now!

Yes, dear, what is it? Where's Elaine?

Didn't you promise not to let anyone in?

-Jonathan just walked in.

-I don't mean Jonathan!

I don't mean Dr. Einstein!

Who is that in the windowseat?

We told you. Mr. Hoskins.

It is not Mr. Hoskins!

There!

Who can that be?

-Are you saying you've never seen him?

-I certainly am.

This is a fine how-do-you-do!

It's getting so anyone thinks

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