Arsenic and Old Lace Page #8

Yes. And we won't have

any strangers buried in our cellar.

-But Mr. Hoskins--

-Mr. Hoskins is no stranger.

Besides, there's no room for Mr. Spenalzo.

The cellar's crowded already.

Crowded? With what?

There are 12 graves down there now.

Twelve graves.

That leaves very little room

and we're going to need it.

You mean, you and Aunt Martha

have murdered 12--

Murdered? Certainly not.

It's one of our charities.

Why, what we've been doing is a mercy.

So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo

out of here.

You've done all that...

...right here in this house

and buried them in the cellar?

That's wonderful, Johnny!

We've been chased all over the world...

...and they stay right here in Brooklyn,

and they do just as good as you do.

What?

You got 12, they got 12.

I've got 13.

-No, Johnny, 12. Don't brag.

-Thirteen.

There's Mr. Spenalzo.

Then the first one in London.

Two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney,

one in Melbourne...

...two in San Francisco,

one in Phoenix, Arizona.

Phoenix?

-The filling station.

-Filling....

Three in Chicago and one in South Bend.

That makes 13.

You cannot count the one in South Bend.

He died of pneumonia.

He wouldn't have died of pneumonia

if I hadn't shot him.

You cannot count him.

You got 12, they got 12.

The old ladies is just as good as you are.

They are, are they?

Well, that's easily taken care of.

All I need is one more.

That's all. Just one more.

And I've a pretty good idea who it is.

I'm a lucky man to have caught you

at home, Dr. Gilchrist.

This is most irregular.

I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed,

but only you can help me.

I know Teddy blows bugles,

but I can't commit a man just on that.

If you'd talk with him...

...l'm sure you'd be convinced.

Here's the house l--

-There goes Hoskins.

-Who?

What? Did I say....

-You better wait.

-Here?

I'll bring Teddy out.

I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies,

seeing a doctor.

-You wait here.

-In the cemetery?

It's Halloween.

The pixies won't be out till after midnight.

Make yourself comfortable.

Pull up a tombstone. I'll be right back.

-Hey, $22.50!

-What?

$22.50!

Oh, yes, looks good on you!

Not the suit, the meter!

"Looks good on me." $22.50.

-Did you give him a 21-gun salute?

-Yes, with a Maxim silencer.

Five more bucks and you'll own it.

No, thanks. It wouldn't fit me.

-Mr. President, may I present--

-Dr. Livingstone!

-Livingstone?

-That's what he presumes.

The doctor would like

to have a few words with you.

Certainly. Welcome to Washington.

Arlington is beautiful

at this time of year, is it not?

Yes, indeed.

Well now, that's that.

It gives me a chance to rest.

So far, so good.

Not so good.

Do you or do you not love me?

How can you say such a thing?

Darling, of course I love you.

-Do you?

-Yes, darling.

Then why have you been treating me

the way you have?

Darling, I love you so much,

I can't go through with our marriage.

Have you suddenly gone crazy?

I don't think so,

but it's only a matter of time.

Darling, would you want to have children

with three heads?

You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping

in a padded cell.

-What are you talking about?

-Well, I don't quite know.

I probably should have told you this before,

but you see...

...well, insanity runs in my family.

It practically gallops.

Just because Teddy's strange,

that doesn't mean--

No, darling. It's way back before Teddy.

This goes back to the first Brewster

who came over on the Mayflower.

You know how in those days

the lndians used to scalp the settlers?

He used to scalp the lndians.

Darling, that's ancient history.

Doctor, I'll run for a third term,

but I won't be elected.

That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts

in the White House.

-That's what you think.

-Of course, if the country insists....

Darling, all this doesn't prove a thing.

Look at your aunts.

They're Brewsters, aren't they?

They're the sweetest,

sanest people I've ever known.

Well, even they have their peculiarities.

What of it? So your family's crazy.

So you're crazy.

That's the way I love you.

I'm crazy too, but kiss me.

No, no. I....

Goodbye, Ambassador.

I've enjoyed this little talk very much.

Anytime you're in Washington,

drop in to see me at the White House.

-Those papers.

-Go away. Papers!

-I'll commit him to any place.

-You will?

I've just been appointed

Ambassador to Bolivia!

You see? Didn't I tell you?

Don't worry about that.

Just go on signing the papers.

Thank you.

All right! We'll find out

whose house this is!

I'm warning you, you better stop it.

There's no use doing what you're doing.

It'll just have to be undone.

Aunt Abby, go to bed!

It's a terrible thing to do to bury

a good Methodist with a foreigner.

Where have you been?

Getting some papers signed.

Is Teddy in his room?

What is the matter with you?

Running around getting papers signed

at a time like this.

Martha and I are going for the police.

Police!

Wait!

-You can't go for the police.

-Oh, no?

You know what Jonathan's doing?

He's putting Mr. Hoskins

and Mr. Spenalzo in together.

All right, let him.

This is all fixed up nice now.

Nice and smooth like a lake.

The President will be very proud

of his Panama Canal.

Bed feels good already.

You know, we didn't get any sleep

for 48 hours.

You're forgetting, Doctor.

If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo

aren't out this house before morning...

...we're going for the police.

I'll get them out, I promise!

-Then you get the wedding silver.

-Remember, no police! No police!

Look, go to bed, will you?

Get out of those clothes!

You look like a double blackout.

My brother, Mortimer.

I just heard him upstairs.

No! I am tired.

You forget, I got to operate

on your face tomorrow.

You are going to operate tomorrow,

Doctor.

But tonight we are taking care

of Mortimer.

But Johnny, not tonight! I'm sleepy.

We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day.

Look at me, Doctor.

You can see that it's got to be done,

can't you?

Yeah, I know that look.

It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.

Okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it.

But the quick way, huh?

The quick twist like in London.

No, Doctor. I think this calls

for something special.

I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.

Not the Melbourne method, please!

Two hours!

And then when it was all over, what?

The fellow in London was just as dead

as the fellow in Melbourne.

Don't do that, Mr. President.

But I cannot sign anything

without consulting my Cabinet.

This must be secret.

A secret proclamation? How unusual.

Yes, it's the only way

we can outsmart the other fellow.

-Who's the other fellow?

-That's the secret.

Oh, I see!

Very clever.

A secret proclamation

has to be signed in secret.

-Of course, Mr. President.

-I'll put on my signing clothes.

You already have them on, Mr. President.

So I have. Wait here.

Hey, Mr. Brewster.

What is it, mice?

-You get out of this house.

-Can't you see I'm busy?

Thank you, Mr. President.

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