Arsenic and Old Lace Page #9

What a load off my mind.

Boy, could I use a drink!

-Get out of here, will you, please?

-What? Speak up. I can't hear you.

Johnny's in a bad mood. Get out!

-Stop underplaying. I can't hear you.

-Please listen to me. Get out.

Stop all this! What are you doing?

Look, Doc-- Are you really a doctor?

Yes, Heidelberg, 1919.

Heidelberg?

How'd you hook up with Jonathan?

I tell you later about that, but you go now.

Please listen to me.

Stop it, Doctor!

You get out of here!

Look, when Johnny's in that mood...

...he's a madman. He's a maniac!

And then things happen. Horrible things.

-Get out of here!

-Will you stop it?

Stop telling me about Jonathan,

I'll take care of him.

You take care of yourself.

Get going, little fellow.

-What's that? Wait.

-My schnapps.

-I could use that.

-That's mine.

Please. Only for dramatic critics.

You beat it before things start popping

around here.

But, look, Mr. Brewster, please.

You've just been married.

You have a nice little wife waiting for you.

Please go now.

Please.

Don't those plays you see all the time

teach you anything?

Don't get me on the subject of plays!

I've got to wait for Mr. Witherspoon.

At least people in plays

act like they got sense.

Did anybody in a play

ever act like they got intelligence?

-How can somebody be so stupid?

-You ought to have my job.

When you get out of prison, have yourself

wheeled to the Garrick Theater.

There's a play that's so bad,

it'll still be running when you get out.

There's a man.... Now listen to this.

He knows he's in the house with murderers

and should know he's in danger.

He's even been warned to get out.

And does he go?

No, he doesn't. He stays!

This fellow doesn't even have sense

to be scared or to be on his guard.

The murderer even invites him to sit down.

-What do you think he does?

-I don't know.

He sits down!

He deliberately pulls up a chair

and he sits down in it.

Isn't that great?

So there he is,

all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.

What do you think they tied him up with?

The curtain cord.

Curtain cord?

But didn't he see him get it?

No. The silly chump sits down

with his back toward the murderer.

All he has to do is look around,

but does he? No!

See, brother Heidelberg,

in a play or even in a movie...

...a fellow never sees or hears anything.

That's right.

But what does he do?

The big chump sits there.

This fellow's supposed to be bright.

Now get a load of this.

Look at the attitude.

Large as life! He sits there

waiting to be tied up and gagged.

The big dope!

You were right about that fellow.

He wasn't very bright.

Yes, Mortimer.

I've been away for 20 years.

But never, my dear brother,

were you out of my mind.

In Melbourne one night, I dreamt of you.

The more you struggle

the more you strangle yourself.

Later on, you may consider that a blessing.

Now, Doctor...

...we go to work.

Johnny, for me, the quick way. Please.

-This must be an artistic achievement.

-Please.

After all, we're performing

before a very distinguished critic.

Please!

All right. Let's get it over with.

But I cannot see this without the drink.

Pull yourself together.

But I can't pull myself together

without a drink.

You remember when we came in,

there was some wine.

And then they took it.

Where did they put it?

I found some wine.

Here, I'll split it with you.

We both have a drink before we operate.

I am so happy that we don't have

to operate without a drink.

One moment, please.

Where are your manners?

Yes, Mortimer.

I realize now that it was you

who brought me back to Brooklyn.

We drink to you.

To my dear, dead brother.

That idiot!

-He goes next. That's all. He goes next!

-Not Teddy! Please!

-We'll get to him later.

-You won't at all!

We have to work fast. The quick way.

The quick way, yes!

If it has to be, then the quick way.

I'll help you.

The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.

It's all right. We're taking

the bugle away from him.

I'd better talk to him myself.

Where's the lights?

You stood me up!

I've been waiting for you

for over an hour at Kelly's.

-What happened to him?

-Nothing.

He was explaining a play he saw and

that's what happened to a man in the play.

I see.

Did that really happen in a play you saw?

How do you like that?

You can't trust nobody.

They practically stole that from my play.

In the second act, just--

Maybe I'd better start at the beginning.

Yeah, sure.

You've got to hear the plot!

My mother's making up.

Like a flash, out of a clear sky...

...the door opens and a man

with a mustache comes in.

He says, "Miss Peaches La Tour,

will you marry me?"

That's the first scene. My mother doesn't

say they're married. That's the surprise!

What a kick!

Twenty-five years pass.

Well, in the meantime, there's me.

Growing into a magnificent specimen.

So what do I do?

I join the police force and become

one of New York's finest.

I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry, see?

Little do I know it...

...but a dope fiend with a knife is after me.

I'm in great danger.

It's getting you, ain't it?

I can see it in your eyes.

You ain't heard nothing yet.

All of a sudden, a fire breaks out.

What an effect!

Firemen rush in and who's leading them?

Mayor Fiorello La Guardia!

What's the matter with him?

-Probably your play put him to sleep.

-What?

-I personally like it very much.

-It's probably over his head.

-Where have I seen that face before?

-No, please.

The scene changes. It's an evolving stage.

I'm walking along my beat, casual-like...

...when a guy that I'm following,

it turns out he's following me!

Don't let nobody in.

I figures I'll outsmart him.

-There's a vacant house on the corner.

-Johnny, the cops!

I sees the door handle turn,

so I pulls out my gun...

...braces myself against the wall and I says:

"Come in! "

Hello, boys.

-What the Sam Hill's going on?

-Sarge, this is Mortimer Brewster.

-He's going to help me write my play.

-Do you have to tie him up?

Report in. Why didn't you ring in?

The whole force is out looking for you.

Right in the middle of the second act.

Did they send you here?

No, we came to warn the old ladies.

-The colonel blew that bugle again.

-I heard him.

The neighbors are phoning in.

The Lieutenant's on the warpath.

He says we've got

to put him away someplace.

Now, who the heck is this?

Mr. Brewster's brother.

My play put him to sleep.

That's the one that ran away.

So he came back.

Brophy. Get me Mac.

Have you got yourself in a mess!

You're two hours overdue at the station.

I better let them know that I found you.

It wasn't that bad, was it?

Tell the Lieutenant he can call off

the big manhunt. We found him.

At the Brewster house.

Shall we bring him in?

All right, we'll hold him right here.

The Lieutenant is on his way over.

So I've been turned in?

All right, you've got me.

I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother

will split the reward.

Yes, reward!

Now I'll do some turning in!

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