Arthur Page #10

All my deepest, fondest love.

I'm smiling down at you.

Or, more likely, up at you.

Forever and ever, H."

Are you crying?

That's a bride's job, to cry.

It's time to man up, Arthur.

Dearly beloved...

...we are gathered here today

to join Arthur and Susan in matrimony.

Which is commended

to be honorable among all men.

And therefore, is not by any to be entered

into unadvisedly or lightly...

...but reverently, discreetly and solemnly.

Seems like a lot of adverbs.

That seem like a lot of adverbs to you?

Shh, Arthur.

If any person can show just cause...

...why they may not

be joined together...

...let him speak now

or forever hold his peace.

I object!

To this wedding.

- Arthur, you can't object. It's your wedding.

Is it my wedding? Because I think if it was,

I'd know who all these people were.

I mean, who are you?

- I'm your best man.

- I've never seen you befor...

- Actually, have I? I recognize you a bit.

- I'm your mother's receptionist.

Oh, yeah, right. It's nice to see you.

But what about you two?

Who's Abercrombie and who's Fitch?

And was there a bachelor party?

I wasn't invited.

If there was, then I don't think

I'd have enjoyed it. You look like squares.

And I've slept with three of them.

Not sure which three.

I just... Statistically...

Susan, this isn't real.

This wedding is a sham. It's a

wonderful sham wedding, but it's a sham.

We don't love each other.

Even you deserve better than this.

In fact, it was Abraham Lincoln

who said, "Freedom... "

That's my little girl.

- You will marry me.

- No, Susan. Abercrombie. Fitch.

I am the future of this company,

and all I need is your goddamn last name.

- Hit him in the face.

- No.

Stop.

Don't touch my son.

But Vivienne.

I think you've said enough.

Arthur, come here.

Are you certain about this?

Yes, I am.

It means giving up everything.

I'm happy to give up everything.

In fact, Vivienne, I can start

giving up everything right now.

This, for example.

Don't need that where I'm going.

Blue-collar district.

This will look sarcastic.

I feel like I'm bound up

like a little Japanese girl's foot.

I don't want that on anymore.

Shackles, chaining me to wealth.

Bloody thing. Ugh.

This shirt, itchy.

I don't want it anymore.

I can assure all of you that after this...

...I will be nowhere near the Bach fund.

So your investments are on solid footing.

Excuse me. Don't let that detract

from what I just said.

And finally...

Actually, um, these were

a Christmas present from Hobson. I...

I think I'll hang onto them.

- I'm keeping this ring. I'm keeping this ring.

- Yes.

Okay, well, uh, I'm going to be poor now.

So how'd it go?

Well, um, I'm very sorry, Bitterman,

but I'm afraid you're out of a job.

Congratulations.

- Is there anywhere I could take you, sir?

- Well, that's very sweet...

...but I've gotta get used to fending

for myself now.

Could you hail me a cab, please?

Arthur.

- Once again, you've humiliated me.

- Sorry.

But this time, I respect you for it.

You're stronger than I thought.

And you've shown me the truth

about Susan.

Yeah, she's bloody evil, isn't she?

Oh.

- For the cab.

- Oh.

Good luck in your life, Arthur.

A bit awkward.

We've got to get to Queens.

Do you know Queens?

It's full of traffic, isn't it?

Do you know Naomi?

Mazel tov, I'm looking for Naomi.

Naomi!

What?

Hello. I remembered.

I remembered the bricks and the train.

I came in a taxi.

- You're wasted, Arthur.

No!

Well, yes. But that was only

so I could get married.

- Oh, okay.

- Naomi! I didn't go through with it.

Instead, I did the only rational thing,

and I gave away all of my clothes.

Do you remember one word

of the last conversation we had, Arthur?

- Yeah, we were going to build a secret door.

- No. The other conversation.

I gave away billions of money for you.

You shouldn't have done that.

Naomi?

My mum's dead.

I know.

And I am so... I'm so, so sorry.

But...

...I can't be her replacement.

Okay.

I used to have in my apartment...

...a rather large,

incredibly decadent magnetic bed.

Thought "This bed is gonna

make me truly happy. "

This is the one thing that my life requires,

is a floating magnetic bed.

When I get that, I'll be happy.

And my companion that evening was, um...

What's a euphemistic way to say it

that doesn't sound unpleasant? Um...

A prostitute. And...

We tried to prize open the door

of the fish tank...

...because we thought

we could make a phone call.

Broke the door off of the fish tank.

The fish came flooding out.

I nearly drowned.

It wasn't without its amusing moments,

but it took a spiritual toll on me...

...and none of these phone boxes, nor

magnetic beds could fill the hole within me.

I spent a lot of my life embarrassing

my family and people that care about me.

But I've made amends with my mother

now. As much as you can with a dragon.

I'm six months clean today.

Congratulations.

I think this is the most

I've ever valued a coin.

Next.

Next in line, please.

That's 12.50.

NAOMl:
Lady Liberty wrapped

her giant green arms...

...around the Chrysler Building

one last time.

And then she carefully walked

back to her own island.

Even though they'll

always live apart...

...they'll still stand a little taller

and shine a little brighter...

...because they shared an adventure.

The end.

It's question time.

Does anybody have any questions?

I have a question.

Does anybody mind

if I tell another story?

- I mind.

- Me too.

You sound like Harry Potter.

Yeah, well, is that a bad thing?

He's a great wizard.

Listen, it's quite a good story,

and if no one here minds...

Uh, excuse me, sorry.

- I'd really like the opportunity

to tell it.

If that's okay, um...

Once upon a time, there was a prince.

Handsome, he was.

He fell in love with a princess

from Queens.

- Are you a girl or a boy?

- Doesn't matter.

The fact is,

he loved this princess so much...

...that he was prepared

to give up his kingdom for her...

...but she turned him away.

- What a b*tch.

- She was not. Why would you say that?

She did the right thing,

it turns out...

...because this prince

had a little bit of a problem with...

...candy. He couldn't get enough candy.

- Do you mean drugs?

No. No. Where did you grow up?

Meth?

- No.

Crack?

- No. It was just booze.

Look, this isn't working. Okay.

What I came here to say to you,

Naomi, is that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

And I'm sorry

that I asked you to take care of me...

...when what I want more than anything

in the world is to take care of you.

And I think that's the end of the story.

Ew!

Hey, what's wrong with you?

This is just two adults

kissing in a room full of children.

So how's the real world treating you?

Oh, I've learned mostly that I should

just try and live simply now.

- It's better for me.

- What is this?

Bitterman! Why?

You said, "This is the girl I can buy

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