Arthur Page #9

Hobson. Why didn't you mention this?

I'm sorry.

It's just I didn't want to worry you.

Well, now I am worried.

But forget the worry

and enjoy this extravagant gesture!

Look at those bears. I love them.

- The biggest ones in the shop.

- Can I have one?

That's part of a display.

They didn't wanna sell that one.

Put this on, please.

I'm not putting that on.

Put it on or the bears will be incinerated.

Humiliating.

- You look really dignified.

Mm.

How much did you waste on this?

They're very reasonable, actually.

- Uh, so say, "Wash your winkie. "

Wash your winkie.

Say, "If you have to pay them,

it's not love. "

If you have to pay, it's not love.

Ha! You do one, you do one.

Could you do Sammy Davis, Jr?

Sammy Davis, Jr. Is not to do

with that costume.

- I like Sammy.

- What's the point in that?

I see you've decided not to grow up.

Yeah, I already decided not to bother.

- Where's Naomi?

- Outside. Do you wanna see her?

You see her for me, will you?

How is she?

All she'll tell me is she's got a headache.

No one else will tell me anything...

...because we're not family.

- That's hospitals.

Why was she at your house?

Hobson and I hang out all the time. We go

shoplifting every Wednesday. Bergdorf's.

That's a good time to do it.

Hardly any security.

She was worried about you.

Hey, how's the writing going?

It's really good, actually.

I sold my book.

Congratulations, that's such fantastic news.

You deserve that.

When you found out,

did you do a scream?

I did. I went:

- Only louder.

Right.

Yeah. I mean, a scream is defined

by its vocal quality to some degree.

I've been really angry at you.

And I've been rehearsing in my head what I

was gonna say to you if I saw you again.

And it was gonna start with, "Hi, Arthur. "

That's conventional.

And then I was gonna

get into a lot of really mean stuff.

And it was gonna be directed at you in

a very pointed way because you lied to me.

But then I would run out of steam

eventually and I'd say, begrudgingly:

"Thank you for encouraging me

with my writing. "

And then I would get very serious and I'd

look at you in the eyes and I would say:

"Arthur...

...you have a problem. "

I'm glad that was hypothetical

because that would be really hard to hear.

How is Hobson?

Ah. Well...

Naomi, this is Susan...

...my fiance.

And, uh, Susan, this is Naomi.

It's nice to finally meet you.

That is like a medium-size ice rink.

And ice rink. That's what I said,

but I said for mice. Because it's small.

- You're a tour guide, right?

NAOMl:
Yep.

Well, actually, Susan, Naomi's a writer.

She's being published.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Who's gonna publish your book?

- Doesn't matter, does it?

- Uh, Painted Wagon Press.

- They're all the same.

- Ha, ha, Painted Wagon Press.

That name sounds familiar.

Sorry, I can't think of...

Why might that name

sound so familiar to me?

Can you help me with that?

Why I might know that name?

No, Susan, I can't.

Oh.

It's coming to me.

Bach Worldwide just acquired them.

You should've come to me about that.

I could've made you a better deal.

But why would you buy them?

So you could tell them

to publish my book.

Thank you.

What'd you do that for?

I just did her a favor.

Naomi, wait.

Wait.

I didn't think I was ever gonna see you

again, and I think you're talented...

I thought other people

thought that I was talented.

I thought that I had earned it.

I thought that I had earned it.

And that felt really good.

I like that. I like earning something.

And I know that you don't know

what that feels like, but it's great.

You should try it sometime.

Ow, ow, ow.

I cut my hand. There's blood in those.

Actually, um, don't eat them

because of the blood.

Hobson, how does this bag of tea work?

Do you tear the top off

or you use this to cut in? How?

No, you put the whole bag in the pot.

- Just put the whole bag in?

- Mm. With water. Hot water.

- Brilliant.

- But not out of the tap.

- From a?

- Kettle.

Brilliant. Perfect.

Be careful of that plate.

It's gonna be very, very...

Oh, God, no!

- Hot.

I think I was better off in the hospital.

Bon apptit.

Actually, my medication

makes me sufficiently nauseous.

You're forever pestering me

about change...

...and you're afraid to eat a little bowl

of spaghetti circles. Come along.

Please let me look after you.

Quite nice.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

- It's not unpleasant, is it?

- Well, it is unpleasant...

- Ha.

... but it's quite nice.

I'm a genius in there.

Mother bear will care for her cubs...

...for up to two years.

Lovely.

Come on, come on, come on.

- No. Not like this.

- Aah! Ha-ha-ha.

You've got so much to give.

Have you called her, Arthur?

No.

Have you ever been in love, Hobson?

Yes, I was once.

Yes, in London. He was from Spain.

He asked me to go there with him.

You were nearly 3.

What happened?

Two days before I was due to leave...

I had my bags all packed.

- Your father died.

You should've gone.

I would've understood.

It was too late.

I loved you.

Why have you never told me?

I didn't want you to feel bad.

- Why are you telling me now?

- I want you to feel bad.

So this is what it's like

to go to bed at 9:00.

Yes.

Isn't it wicked?

Hmm, Hobson.

I had a bad dream.

Hobson?

Hobson, stop mucking about.

You can't see a tunnel of light

and red pitchfork.

I'm not gonna take those three books

back to the library.

Hobson?

Nurse!

Nurse!

Bitterman?

We're gonna have a party.

I'm tired of being sad now.

Bitterman, what are you doing?

I'm trying to cheer you up, Mr. Bach.

Is it working?

Not yet.

How about now?

You have to do something funny.

You can't just stand there.

- Just say something incongruous or pithy.

- Okay.

Today's your wedding day, Mr. Bach.

Well, that's it. I'm gonna drown myself.

Mr. Bach?

Mr. Bach? Where'd you go?

Lovely to see you. Hello.

Chancellor.

- I am so delighted you're here.

- Oh, thank you.

I think you'll be very, very pleasantly

surprised. Enjoy yourself.

The groom is here.

Ah. I gather the groom has arrived.

Bitterman. Bitterman.

Please. I'm getting married today.

But you were in there too long.

- Oh, God. She's here.

- You're late. Was I not clear?

Don't... Don't... Don't blame Bitterman.

He had a hell of a struggle getting me

out of the bath.

Coffee. Now.

Good idea. I'll have one too.

I'm a bit drunk.

Okay.

The good news is you're here

and you're not wearing a cape.

Proud day for you, Viv?

I have guests to attend to. Stay.

Psst.

Small person.

Can you read?

For, like, four years. Can you?

Not at the moment, no.

Help. Come here.

I need you to read this for me.

Okay.

"My dearest Arthur.

Listen up, you pampered prick. "

Carry on.

"You now know where the tea bags are.

To operate kettle, press red button.

Milk in refrigerator.

That's the big box with the pretty light

that comes on when you open the door.

It's not too late, Arthur.

You can do anything under the sun.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes