Arthur Page #8

And then? Well, then,

I'm all alone on my magnetic bed...

...wondering what venereal disease

I've just caught.

Always the quiet ones.

This is itchy.

That was really lovely what you said

in there about me.

Now, if you could just do the drinking for

me, I think we'd have this thing cracked.

Vivienne.

Yes?

Don't make me do this, please.

I'm not the one with a choice.

You can walk away any time you like.

There's a simple solution

to all of this, Arthur.

Marry Susan

and cheat with the nobody from Queens.

Hello, Naomi's dad.

Is your daughter here?

Her name is Naomi.

Just clear up any confusion.

It's a little late, but I wasn't

sleeping myself. Come in, come in.

Arthur?

Oh, hello, Naomi.

You may wanna sit down.

Or lay down.

Although I prefer you stayed awake,

because this is important.

What is it?

I'm engaged to another Susan.

Woman. Another Susan woman.

You're engaged?

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

I meant to before.

You meant to tell me that you were

engaged to another woman.

- I was gonna get Hobson to do it...

- Oh, my God. Arthur.

- Who do you think you are?

- Naomi.

I'm not saying I think I'm Naomi.

You are.

Why else would you be wearing

her pajamas.

I didn't mean for this to happen,

but then I started falling for you.

And I thought,

"Oh, no. I'm falling for Naomi...

...and I have to marry Susan woman

or I'll lose the money. "

Let me get this straight.

You don't wanna marry this woman.

- Susan woman.

- But you're going to...

...because you're scared

of losing the money?

- Yeah, see, I'm trapped by the money.

- Oh, you're trapped by the money.

Oh, okay. Well, we should probably

start a telethon.

And then people could call in

and relieve you from this horrible money.

If you think it would help.

Naomi, Naomi, Naomi, please.

You're the most special person...

...that I have ever...

- What, lied to?

I was gonna say "met. "

Am I the most special person

you ever made this for?

Who makes a PEZ dispenser

of somebody's head...

...when they're engaged

to someone else?

Admittedly, we're a small demographic.

Stop joking.

Okay. Let me run this up the flag pole.

What if I were to install a secret door?

It leads to an apartment.

And you live in that.

On the other side of that door,

I'm married to Susan.

That's not ideal. But on the bright side,

I assure you it's entirely sexless.

What? Naomi, don't leave, Naomi.

This is my apartment, Arthur.

You have to leave.

This is for you.

For your dad. For your writing career.

Nine hundred

and ninety-nine thousand dollars.

- I thought a million would be vulgar.

- We don't want your money.

Could you leave?

Can I just stay here for a minute, please?

Why?

Because it will reduce the proportion of my

life that I spend feeling utterly miserable.

Goodbye, Arthur.

Closet.

And back, two, three. Front, two, three.

Back. And here we turn.

This is gonna be our first dance

as husband and wife.

At least you could just try to smile.

Sorry.

And I apologize for leaving you

attached to that magnetic bed.

Oh.

Someone's coming to his senses. Finally.

Good. Now, under the arm.

Hobson.

Hobson!

Hobson. I've just spotted Orphan Annie

as a man.

Orphan Mannie!

Bitterman. What are you doing

in my bathroom? We discussed this.

Hobson left me in charge.

She went back to bed. She had a headache.

- Hobson's got a headache?

- Yes, sir.

How did she say it? What did she say?

"Bitterman, I'm going to bed.

I have a headache. "

She sort of said it like that,

all broken up and staccato?

Pretty much, sir.

- Solely on their mother...

...for food, shelter and safety.

This mother bear has no...

- What's the matter? Why are you in bed?

- Arthur, put my bears back on.

There'll be no bears

until you tell me what's the matter.

I'm traveling down this white tunnel.

There's a garden at the end.

Who's that red gentleman with a pitchfork?

Why is it so hot in here?

Stop being childish.

Sorry.

Okay, Arthur, I've got something to tell you.

Will you sit down?

Listen...

...there are three books.

Take them back to the library.

Oh, Hobson, please don't die anymore.

It's getting very boring.

What about you?

You look a bit lost today.

Naomi won't talk to me.

Oh, I am sorry. It's a shame she

wouldn't come to an agreement.

Little tart like that would've saved you

a fortune in prostitutes.

How dare you talk about Naomi like that.

She's one of the finest people I know.

I employ you to support me.

I don't pay you to make snide comments

about my friends. Remember that.

You're just Mary Poppins with menopause.

Delightful to see you, Hobson.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, it's this marriage, Vivienne.

I'm very excited for Arthur.

I'm worried for him too.

Are you, now?

Look, he has attempted gainful employment

and he even went to AA.

- It didn't last very long, but I have hopes...

- AA?

There's this girl.

I think she's inspiring him to...

- He's getting married.

- Yes, but is it right for him, Vivienne?

Arthur does have other issues.

And whose fault is that?

Well, I'm so sorry to have wasted

your valuable time.

He needs this, Lillian, he's weak.

He's stronger than you think.

NAOMl:

Who was that?

Um...

Hobson is in my house.

Surprisingly, I am.

Well, don't be intimidated by the space.

We don't use all the rooms.

You got that, McKenzie? Thank you.

Why am I stuck here in this room?

I'm not the bride

I'm the bloody groom

Isn't he charming?

It's the sweetest thing.

Oh. Oh, McKenzie, this is stunning.

Ooh.

- No metal.

Very nice.

Just don't leave me for a minute

Or you'll come home and find me in it

I just made that up.

That just came to me.

Here.

Oh. Love these. The grape shears.

Look, Arthur.

Grape shears, what an innovation

You can use them for my castration

Because she does that. I've been...

I've been horribly emasculated.

Arthur misses you desperately.

Has he asked you to go on a tour

of all of the girls that he misses?

No, he's far too decent to be involved

in anything as tawdry as this.

As what?

As my plea not to give up on him.

You really look after him, don't you?

Yes, I do.

And it's a job that I recommend highly.

A, um, taste of England.

Oh. Oh, lovely.

As, I believe,

you look after this gentleman.

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but Arthur is getting married.

Naomi, if there's one thing an old woman

can recognize it's a young man in love.

How's that tea?

Like sewage.

- I'm so sorry.

NAOMl:
Uh, are you okay?

Thank you. Thanks, ladies, for such

a lovely afternoon. These are gorgeous.

- Arthur, hasn't it been?

- Cheers. Thank you.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you.

I'll be here all week.

And for the rest of my bloody life.

Hey. Hello.

What?

It's just a headache.

Hold on. You've been having tests for

months. The doctor told me on the phone.

Oh, bother snaps.

Well, what do doctors know anyway?

I think they're usually really well qualified,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes