Arthur Page #7

Yes, except whenever I sunbathe nude,

I get the strangest looks.

Oh, you're that guy.

- Are you a bit chilly?

- Oh, yes.

- Would you like?

- Thank you.

Ahem, here.

- Is this your father's? "Gerald Bach. "

It is.

Well, it was. I had some of his suits

re-tailored to fit me.

It seemed silly to throw them away.

Mm.

- Oh.

"Why bother taking care of yourself?"

Ha, ha. Yeah. Just have fun.

- Well, you seem to have a lot of fun.

- It's my calling.

I found a free thing to show you.

It's this way.

- Come with me. Come on.

- Okay.

In my mind, this is the pond

from a book I had when I was a kid...

...called Frog and Toad Together.

I love Frog and Toad. My mom used to

read them to me all the time.

- Really?

- Yeah.

My mom subcontracted

that job to Hobson.

NAOMl:
There's a really sad one

where Toad freaks out...

...because he sees Frog sitting alone

on a rock.

So he swims out to him with a picnic,

but then it falls in the water.

"Our lunch is spoiled.

I made it for you, Frog,

so you'd be happy. "

But Frog wasn't sad.

"When I woke up, I felt good...

...because the sun was shining.

I felt good because I was a frog. "

And I felt good

because I have you for a friend.

If you were sitting alone,

I'd bring you a sandwich.

I'll sit alone, then.

"And Frog and Toad

stayed on the island all afternoon.

They ate wet sandwiches

without iced tea.

They were two close friends

sitting alone together. "

I couldn't tell her, Hobson.

She's my Toad.

Oh, bollocks.

Listen, Arthur, I'm sure Naomi

is a very nice girl...

...but you can't live

without the money.

How do you know?

Please. You can't go half an hour

without buying another sports car.

When I was little you used to say:

"Arthur,

you can do anything under the sun. "

I never spoke like that.

It was a bit like that.

That was before

you paid Elton John $2 million...

...to sing over the PA in a grocery store.

Yeah, well, it was Easter.

- I think I could live without the money.

- Oh, yes? How?

I'd get a job.

- Ha!

- What?

Fine. Fine. Go ahead. Get a job.

I am a grown man...

...and I shall join the mature world

of gainful employment to prove it.

Don't let that undermine

what I just said.

- Do you know how to use Excel?

- No.

- PowerPoint?

- No.

- Outlook.

- Generally positive. You know, I mean...

...I have down days like anyone, but...

It's a program.

Oh, um, no.

Can you file?

- File?

Yes.

In a?

No.

There must be something I can do.

Hey!

And so, this is how you simply sign on...

...and that unlocks the register.

Now, you clock in, employee number,

password and the register's yours.

This, uh, might seem a bit much

for my first day...

...but could I inquire as to the possibility

of a transfer...

...to the costume-greeter department?

I think I'd thrive.

No. Let's just start

with the register for you.

I've got my own costume, if that helps.

Nope, doesn't really make

a difference. No.

Register. So I've cleared it.

Go ahead and enter your

employee number and log in.

- Okay. You just hit a lot of random keys.

- Well, that's what you did, in fairness.

- It says "invalid key. "

- Yes. Invalid key.

That means that I need to reset this.

This may take a moment.

Would you mind just stepping right over?

How did he get that job, exactly? What

is he, the owner? The son of the owner?

- You can't do it, and you never will.

- Never?

That's harsh.

I've entered

your employee number and... Oh.

Want some?

- I think you should take the day off.

- As a reward?

Tomorrow we'll find

something more suitable for you.

I think what he's doing is derivative.

Oh, the moon really is following me.

Would you stop going on about the moon

following you?

He's lunar.

He's clearly a pervert.

Arthur? There've been some reports

of staff members eating on the floor.

Do you know anything about that?

Um, no.

No, I don't know anything

about that, Peter.

You know, I think it's not appropriate

for you to be on the floor.

We should find something

for you in the stock room.

Excuse me.

If I gave you $10,000...

...would you let me wear this costume

for one hour?

Hello. Welcome to the store.

May all your dreams come true.

Free candy! Here you go, kids!

I'm a lovely bear. Grr.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm not a genuine bear.

Here, listen, you take this with you.

If you leave very quickly, security won't

have an opportunity to ascertain you.

- Go. Try not to look suspicious.

- Arthur?

- Hello.

- What are you doing?

Peter, I can explain everything.

I've got one. I'm okay.

Arthur.

- May I have a word with you?

- Is that word "promotion"?

One apocalyptic hangover, no job.

Congratulations, Arthur.

The employment market is a vortex.

Listen to this:
"Aquarium needs help

cleaning tanks. Swim with the fishes. "

That is a Mob threat.

None of these jobs make any sense at all.

"Systems integration professional. "

Would anyone do it as an amateur?

Would anyone approach

systems integration...

...as a hobby for fun on a Saturday

afternoon instead of flying a kite?

Who is integrating systems

for their own amusement?

Hobson.

I think in order to do this...

...I may have to be a little more sober.

What do you think?

To, you know, preserve my anonymity.

You're right,

it would be a shame to jeopardize...

...such a distinguished public profile.

I stole from my friends, my family.

I sold my son's tricycle

so I could score some junk.

- Jesus.

I was so drunk once...

...I backed my car

over my mother outside Walgreens.

Thirty-seven days sober.

But sometimes, it's just so hard.

Like I'm in this grave...

Whoa, this is depressing.

It's like unhappy hour.

- Shh.

- It is. I don't like it in here.

This is making me want to drink more.

Sir, you need to wait till the end

of the meeting. Go on, James.

It's okay. I'm done.

And you are?

My name is...

...Gandalf.

Hi, Gandalf.

Hello.

And I came here because I'd like to drink

a bit less. Not give it up altogether.

Maybe 5, 10 percent cut down.

Reasonable.

Look, I'm sorry. No one's gonna convince

me that my life isn't fun, okay?

And forgive my crassness...

...but if I ran my mother over,

I'd be out celebrating with booze.

Which is what I plan to do right now.

Cheerio.

Excuse me. Hobson.

My name is Lillian and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Lillian.

Good afternoon.

I'm rich. I'm fabulously rich.

I'm also generous and kindhearted.

My father died when I was young and

my mother was absent most of the time.

Is this an excuse for making a mockery

of my life?

Oh, sure, it all looks very wild

from the outside.

Do you know, I once went to bed with three

European princesses at the same time.

But, A, I can't remember anything

about it...

...and, B, apparently,

I vomited on two of them...

...before losing control of my bladder

on the third.

Oh, yes, all such fun.

Until the fog parts,

and suddenly there's a hole so big...

...that all the vintage champagne

and the Batmobiles in the world won't fill it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes