Arthur Page #6

Say goodbye to your little girlfriend.

But Vivienne. Susienne. Satan. Susan.

I like this girl.

We connect, she and I.

She's spontaneous and...

I'm spontaneous.

Really? You planned to confront me

during a contrived photo shoot...

...wearing an outfit you selected

when you were a child.

Ow!

Okay, lovebirds, are you ready?

Don't forget, it's all about the eyes.

Those happy eyes.

You embarrassed me.

Embarrass me again

and my father will cut off...

I know, my tongue.

No, your balls.

Not if I keep them moist.

Thoughts, Hobnobs?

I think you're engaged, and going out

with Naomi is a really bad idea.

Exactly.

Which is why I've invited her here.

Arthur, think.

I have thinked. And that is why we're

all gonna hang out together.

I've never hung out in my life.

I'm not gonna start tonight.

Hobson, if you get to know this girl,

you're gonna love her.

Arthur, you must tell Naomi

you're getting married.

You don't think that might rather

mar the romance of the evening?

Hello, Arthur.

- Hi, Hobson.

- Hello, Susan. How nice to see you.

Can you just give us one

little minute?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Mm-mm.

- What was that?

- A French kiss.

Really? Because the French

always surrender.

That was decidedly German.

I was just at home

feeling spontaneous.

I decided to put on

a little something spontaneous...

...and come over here spontaneously.

Susan, mentally ill people are spontaneous.

It's all about context.

Oh, good, this is happening now.

Shall we go to the bedroom?

- You're a bit drunk.

- Okay.

So you just, uh... You wait here. Oh, no.

Oh-ho. Lovely. That's come off.

- Um, I'm gonna get ice.

- What do you have in mind?

Uh, I imagine there'll be some injuries.

It'll reduce the swelling.

Hurry.

Naomi, I'm very happy to see you.

- You are?

Um...

Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.

Um, did you kill Minnie Mouse

or did she surrender her dress willingly?

If it makes you feel better,

she didn't suffer.

Well, this is all very nice.

Come in, Naomi. Come in.

Now, I know we were gonna

have a night in...

- I can see why.

- But, actually, why don't we?

- This is amazing.

- Uh, no. Um...

- That fish looks like a cat.

Naomi. No, it doesn't.

NAOMl:
Wow, bubblegum rocket.

- Don't look at that.

Now, tell me where the room

filled with buckets of gold is.

It's over here,

away from the bedroom, actually.

You have a glittery camel. Why?

They're 10 a penny in England.

Ignore that.

Naomi, let me give you a full tour of the

apartment while Arthur primps himself.

I'll be primping. I've gotta primp.

NAOMl:
Oh, that's you.

- Yes, thank you.

Ah, Susan.

You're posing suggestively.

Do you like it, my fianc?

Buckets of gold?

Broken lunar module.

Silly bugger drove it down the stairs.

Come through here. This should keep your

eyes off the valuables for a few minutes.

Get out.

Oh, I love Looney Tunes.

Are these always playing?

No, it, uh, alternates between this

and historical documentaries.

- Really?

- No. Just this.

Okay, I just have

to get the perfect place.

Yes.

Your friend will be with you shortly.

Thank you. Oh, wait, don't you wanna stay?

This is a really good one.

Pep tries to kiss Penelope Pussycat,

but then he falls off the boat.

You forgot to say "spoiler alert. "

You are my peanut and I am your brittle.

- Ooh.

- I'm Susan Johnson, your fiance.

- That's the problem, actually.

- Come on.

No. I'm getting up here,

but this is not complicit.

- I'm just helping you to get dressed.

- Saving yourself for marriage?

More the divorce, to be honest.

Susan, my buttons.

How much have you had to drink?

- Glasses? Bottles. Okay.

- Ha, ha.

We are now in an area of my expertise.

You are very drunk.

You need to sleep it off.

- Close that. That's good. Good. Don't...

- Oh, that's... That's nice.

- Try not to speak any words.

- Mm-hm.

Shh. Shut up.

No, you're not a sexy cat.

You're not a sexy cat. Stop that.

I'm a bad kitty.

You're not a bad kitty,

you're a sleepy lunatic.

I'm a bad kitty.

I need to have my whiskers licked.

There are no circumstances under which

I'd do that to a cat.

Go to sleep.

That's enough of that. Stop it. Get... Ow!

No! Unh. Ow!

So this must be a fun job.

Yes, it has its moments.

Like trying to protect Arthur

from people with dubious intentions.

NAOMl:

Hmm.

Oh, you mean me.

Because I'm totally after the money,

if that's what you're thinking.

How is the illegal

tour guide business going?

Feeds my dad.

But I'm actually writing a book.

A children's book.

It was Arthur's idea.

Well, make sure there are lots of pictures,

otherwise he won't understand it.

I think Arthur understands

more than you realize.

So, Hobson, are there any men

in your life?

Are you attempting

to make small talk with me?

I am attempting it. Is it working?

- No, not really.

- Darn it.

So?

Any man I've ever met...

...pales in comparison to the dazzling

floor show that is Arthur's company.

I know you were being sarcastic

just then...

...but it really is quite dazzling.

All is fair in love and war, eh, darling?

Do you think he's okay?

Ow! Ow!

- Bad horse.

- Ow! That's not erotic. It just hurts.

No. Susan. Stop it.

You can't do that.

Horses and cats can't mate.

Our children will be monsters.

Hobson, it's not what it looks like.

Unless it looks like a cat raping a horse.

Arthur.

- What's happening?

- Oh.

What has happened to me?

I think the problem is your clothes

are made of metal...

...and my bed is made of magnets.

- Oh, you think so?

- Right. Okay. Uh, stay calm, kitty.

I'm not a cat anymore.

I am a businesswoman.

I think I have a remote control.

Excuse me.

- Uh... Ah, right. I've got the remote.

- Get me off of here!

Okay, I'm coming.

I'm gonna... Ah, got it.

- What are you doing?

- Okay, it's not that, obviously.

Uh, on the bright side, at least something

in this room is attracted to you.

For the love of God.

Maybe this.

- Oh, are you all right?

- Not that.

I'm not gonna press this anymore...

...because if I press the wrong button,

the bed could fall and kill you.

Which none of us would want.

None of us.

I've gotta go and get Hobson.

She knows how this works.

Oh, you are a useless man. You can't do

anything without that miserable old woman.

There you are.

That was a lot of primping.

Oh, ha, yeah, yeah.

Primping. Yeah, primping.

Yeah, it's primpalicious, though,

isn't it? The results.

He's a primpanzee.

Sorry about this noise.

I think it's, um... It's the bloody neighbors.

- Neighbors?

- Well, I think I'll retire now.

Good night, Hobson.

Ahem. Hobson.

Um, thank you for everything.

I did it for her.

I don't want that poor girl humiliated.

- You like her, don't you? She's lovely.

- Just be a grown-up for once, Arthur.

Okay.

Oh, um, could you detach the half-naked

businesswoman from under my bed?

Sorry.

Good night, Hobson.

Goodbye, Naomi.

NAOMl:

Not a bad back yard.

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