Arthur Page #5

Excuse me.

- Naomi...

- Mm-hm?

...I'm talking about Tuscany.

White truffle gelato. Have you ever

tasted white truffle gelato?

It makes all other gelato

taste like sh*t.

Arthur, you emptied out

Grand Central Station.

Can't you just be here?

Can I show you something?

NAOMl:
After we moved to New York

when I was 11...

...my mom used to bring me down here

all the time.

We'd take the train in from Queens.

This is the Whisper Wall.

It's a really special place.

Okay, you have to go in that corner,

and I'll be over here.

And say something.

What?

I don't know, anything.

Oh, you could call me up and ask me out,

like you failed to do.

Good idea.

Hello, this is Arthur.

Is Naomi there, please?

Yes, this is Naomi.

My God, that's amazing. You're over there,

but I can hear you perfectly over here.

- It's acoustics.

- Wow.

I'm gonna buy one of these.

You don't have to buy it, it's free.

Incredible.

I was just having a phone call,

so I've gotta go back.

Oh.

If you're, um, not too busy, would you like

to maybe go on a date with me?

NAOMl:
Actually, I'm free right now

if you'd like to do something simple.

Food, my house?

What is this, please?

- Oh, this is, um, generic brand Saucy-Os.

- Saucy-Os.

Yeah. It's one of the few times the generic

brand's actually better than the real thing.

Something happens in the factory.

It's delicious.

Welcome to the life of humans.

It is the culinary success of the season.

- Mademoiselle, you are...

- Shh. Shh. Shh.

What?

- My dad is asleep.

But your mum wears earplugs,

so we don't need to worry about her.

My mom doesn't wear anything anymore.

Naked. Sleeping au naturel.

She's dead.

I'm so sorry.

She died, um, last year.

It's really recent, and I made a joke about

your dead nude mum. I'm so sorry, Naomi.

- No, no, no, really, it's okay.

- I'm always doing things like that.

If it's any consolation,

my dad is similarly deceased.

I'm so sorry. Was that recent?

No, it was when I was a child,

so you've won that round, but, uh...

- Point, Naomi.

- Right, well done.

You're winning,

but it's not too late for me to run home...

...and butcher my mother

just to edge into the lead.

Uh, no. My dad died when I was a kid.

He was by all accounts a very

sensible, uh, frugal man...

...who didn't drink, didn't smoke,

walked everywhere.

NAOMl:

Hmm.

Dropped dead of a heart attack

when he was 44.

Lesson being,

why bother taking care of yourself?

- Cheers.

- I don't think that's the lesson.

- It's the lesson I learned.

- Cheers.

Mm.

Ah.

No, thanks.

What were you like as a kid?

Well, ha, ha, aside from being

grief-stricken...

- Ha, ha, yes.

- I was kind of little...

...and I didn't drink so much then.

What about you?

Did you drink much as a child?

Strictly juice boxes.

- What a weirdo.

- I was a weirdo.

I thought that the moon

followed me everywhere.

I thought it meant something special

was gonna happen.

Well, that's a pretty

ridiculous hypotheses, Naomi...

...because by that notion,

the moon would be out there right n...

Naomi, the moon is literally out there

right now spying on us...

...his light shining down on your face

and clutter.

What is all these things?

- My dad's pills.

- Hmm.

Got a lot of incriminating stuff lying

around in here young la... What's this for?

- That's nothing. That's...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is not nothing. This is something.

I used to write stories

and draw pictures for kids.

Ah.

Wow.

"The Statue of Liberty had traveled

all the way from France.

She missed her friend,

the Eiffel Tower, and her arm hurt. "

- Naomi, that's wonderful.

- Thank you.

In this, the Statue of Liberty

is a lonely French giant.

Yeah. And she stays lonely until

she meets her friend, the Chrysler Building.

That's brilliant, Naomi.

You should quit your job

and focus all your energy on this.

- I can't.

- Why? What have you got to lose?

The house and electricity and...

You can pay for all those things

when this is published.

Arthur, things like that don't happen

to people like me.

Then why is the moon

still following you?

But this doesn't wake your father?

- He's used to this.

- This could wake my father.

From his grave.

Okay, lovely, but a little closer together.

All right. Smile, Daddy, smile.

Okay, and now,

I'd love to see some more love.

What is this?

Your engagement photo

for Town & Country.

How about a couple

of you and your mum?

Oh, all right, yeah. Okay.

All right.

Vivienne?

Yes, Arthur?

If hypothetically...

...uh, I was to develop feelings

for a woman who isn't exactly Susan...

...kind of an un-Susan, an anti-Susan,

as it were...

...um, how would that make you feel,

hypothetically?

Hypothetically, I'd say congratulations.

But unfortunately,

the most magical relationships...

...will wilt in the midst

of grinding poverty.

Wonderful.

Arthur, how about a few of you...

...and your future father-in-law?

- What? No, no.

- Ha, ha. Hello, Burt.

Hello.

I'll never get used to

that handshake.

Where were you last night, Arthur?

What? Just at home. Home.

You sure about that?

- Yes.

- My turn, Daddy.

- Oh, Jesus.

Oh, great.

This is for the cover shot.

I need the bride and the groom, please.

Get on the horse, Arthur.

I love animals, but I don't trust you.

Get on the horse.

You will not make me cry today.

For the riding boot shoots, we use

a stuffed horse or sometimes a girl.

- Maybe Daddy could help?

Yeah, let me help.

- No, it's all right, Burt.

- Help him up.

You're a weak man, Burt. Burt.

No, Burt, you're... That doesn't help.

Ow! Oh, my God.

Burt, you're not qualified.

Aah! Ha, ha.

That was no trouble. That was no tr...

What a lot of fuss.

What a lot of fuss about nothing.

Okay, lovely.

Who is she, Arthur?

I don't know, I imagine she's called

Trixy or Rocket. Something like that.

Not the horse. The girl.

I don't know what you mean.

We'll be right back. Excuse us.

Wha? Aah! I didn't agree to this.

First your father, now the horse.

When will my testicles get some rest?

Delaying a hundred commuter trains

for a secret date wasn't the smartest move.

It was in The Times and the Post.

I must've hurt you with that. I understand

if you wanna cancel the wedding.

We're not gonna cancel the wedding.

It's happening as scheduled. End of story.

Are those gonna be your vows?

"To death do us part, as scheduled"?

Listen, Susan, is this about money?

I've got news for you, you're already rich.

I'm not you rich, Arthur.

My family doesn't have a coat of arms.

I'll draw you one. It's quite simple.

It's usually just a sword.

I hear them whisper at functions.

In their eyes, I'm just the daughter

of a contractor from Pittsburgh.

They sneer when I walk past.

That's probably just because

of who you are as a person.

Bach Worldwide has been run

by a Bach for generations.

Susan Johnson-Bach will be in control

of one of the largest trusts in the world.

You're not gonna get in my way.

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