Arthur Page #4

Oh, no. I don't think

I should do that, Burt.

I think I'd like to go back over there

now to house.

- No, Burt! What are you doing?

- Lick the saw!

No, Burt.

You've taken leave of your senses.

You need to stick out your tongue

or it won't sense the moisture.

I want my nanny.

Mr. Johnson,

a very wise man once said:

"I like your tower,

but I love your daughter. "

Can I marry her, please?

Sure.

Pascal, I'm gonna have the veal.

Excellent choice.

Could you tell Jerome, please,

that it was a little dry last time?

I will see to it.

- Thank you.

For you, sir?

- Just a caldron of tequila and a spoon.

I hear you have something to ask me.

Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact, Susan.

Would you mind telling me what

the bloody hell's been going on?

We're having a magical night.

I don't understand.

You don't understand

that there's a macabre conspiracy...

...to inveigle me into a loveless marriage.

Susan, we...

- "Loveless marriage. "

- We should not get married.

We don't have anything in common,

do we?

I mean, we don't like the same food.

Veal? I think that's really cruel.

Do you like it because it's cruel?

We don't like the same people, music.

You love horses.

- I do.

I don't trust them.

Think about this.

- Their eyes, their sneaky feet.

- This is a business... Stay with me.

- Their shoes are permanent.

All you have to do...

- Who makes that commitment to a shoe?

- Most marriages devolve eventually.

- Mean faces.

This is all it is,

it's a business partnership.

With the added benefit of attraction.

Undeniably, you have got something

dark and twisted in you.

And for awhile,

I thought I might be able to bugger it out.

But I tried really hard

and I think it's still in there.

Reach into your pocket, pull out the ring,

and say four little words.

Okay. Uh, I don't love you.

Try again.

I like other girls.

- Oh, well, me too. Let's invite one over.

- I'll embarrass you. Daily.

For example, look, I'm quite capable

of this kind of conduct.

I've seen it before.

All right. Yes.

That's just part of my repertoire.

By thunder, here's a pretty dame.

There. Hmm? What do you think

about that? She's probably pregnant.

- Well done. Go on.

- Okay.

Where's the kitchen?

I'm going to the kitchen.

- Coming in the kitchen.

- Isn't he mad?

I'm a naughty robot.

- But I just love him.

I've got tin titties.

This is what you're doing to me.

This is how I feel.

I think this sausage is cooked.

- Pascal, drinks, for everyone.

I'll tell you what, it's a lot more fun

in that bloody kitchen.

Daddy did, uh, show you

his little table saw, didn't he?

Turn around and tell everyone you're

crazy when you're in love. Ready? Go.

I don't know why I did all of those things

just then. I go crazy when I'm in love.

Sit down. Great.

Help me. Help me.

Embarrassing me or your family

is the one thing that will not be tolerated.

- Is that clear?

- Yes, please.

Sweet boy, this can all be

a ton of fun if you let it.

Shall we try again?

On one knee. I'm just an old-fashioned girl.

Just go ahead.

Susan. Pfft.

- Are you sure about this?

- You're running from yourself, Arthur.

I wish I was,

because I'd let me get away.

Ask me. Ask me.

Have it. Go on.

Yes, Arthur.

Madames et monsieurs, the happy couple.

Ah!

Aspirin.

Give me the whole bottle.

My life's over.

You're gonna be looked after

and you're gonna stay fabulously rich.

Maybe I'd rather be fabulously poor.

Some poor people I see look really happy.

That's because they're far away

or you've given them money.

What do you know, Alfred?

Arthur, poor people have to work.

They have to stand in the rain waiting for

buses to take them to things called jobs...

...which they have to do all year round

for holidays away from those jobs.

Don't patronize me, Snobson.

I know what a jobs are.

I model riding boots, don't I?

Posing in riding boots for another pampered

prick is not a job. Now take your vitamin.

- I erased her number.

- Hobson, I have to see her.

We'll unravel

this engagement bollocks later.

Arthur, you made the choice.

An engagement is a promise.

Be a man.

NAOMl:
Continuing on,

this is Grand Central Terminal...

...and it is home to more

than 750,000 commuters a day.

Boring. What a tiresome fact that was.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is a

classic New York architectural feature:

The man who takes your number

and then never calls you.

Ooh.

- I'm bored too.

- Yeah, he's bored, I'm bored...

...the whole tour is really bored.

Come on, liven it up, lady.

Okay, well, what about this:

See that clock up there?

See those statues?

That's Jupiter and Minerva

and Hercules.

When the clock strikes 12,

they reach down and they stop time.

And then they go out on the town. They go

swim in the Hudson and cavort at the zoo.

- Sometimes they even go to a strip club.

- Oh, okay.

Okay, guys,

that's the end of your tour. Um...

Your complimentary pretzel awaits.

It's only $5.

- Wow, you look really, really amazing.

- Okay.

- I've got something to show you.

- I don't...

We're on a tight schedule. Come.

- Okay.

- Stop thinking.

Um, Arthur, there are no people.

Where are the people?

The people have been rerouted

for 45 minutes by me for you.

It's sort of romantic, but in another way,

it's incredibly selfish of you.

Grand Central.

Rose petals.

Dinner. Oh, my God.

This is our first date.

Oh, is that what we said to the police

officer? I'd quite forgotten.

NAOMl:

Wait, I'm not getting naked.

Don't rule it out at this stage, it takes

some of the pizzazz out of the evening.

It's like we're the last people

on the planet.

Wow, this is amazing. Thank you.

- There's a waiter on that escalator.

- Shh.

NAOMl:

He's in formal attire.

- He's carrying a platter.

- Wait for it.

Excellent.

- Your dinner, madam.

NAOMl:
Thank you.

PEZ.

These are us as PEZ heads? Ha, ha.

You're the cute one.

Well, the cuter one.

NAOMl:

Do you want me?

- Thank you.

- Ha, ha.

Hey, you know, as soon as I saw you...

...I knew I wanted to eat candy bricks

out of your neck hole.

You're not the first.

What do you think? Do you like it?

Well, on my last date...

...the guy told me that I could only

eat salad and then he said he was gay.

- This is better.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm heterosexual, so...

Oh, already winning.

Did you know that the zodiac

is painted on backwards?

It was a goof by the artist, but then the

Vanderbilts, who commissioned the place...

...said that it was God's view

of the heavens.

Trust the Vanderbilts to see the world

from God's perspective.

There's a woman jumping behind you.

Oh, yeah. I promised you acrobats.

NAOMl:

Arthur, this is... This is insane.

Yeah, this is what money is for.

Creating excitement and joy

and acrobats and PEZ heads and...

Italy.

- What?

- Let's go to Italy.

Okay, let's go.

When do you wanna go to Italy?

- Tonight. I'll charter a jet. Giuseppe, hi.

- I can't go to Italy with you tonight.

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