Arthur Page #3

NAOMl:

Yes. Oh, hey, Uncle Stuart.

Under that sun hat,

that's Caribbean Diane Keaton.

- Yes, exactly.

- And also we have...

NAOMl:

Uncle Korean John Lennon.

And this is, uh, Abe Lincoln, I presume.

- Oh, no.

No.

- He is my admittedly eccentric...

- Fianc. I'm her fianc.

He is my fianc.

NAOMl:

Oh. Mm-hm.

Darling, you don't want

these people to think...

...that you're some kind of

random British pervert.

No, I'm a very specific British pervert,

which is why you fell in love with me...

...from our first date.

- Which was where, exactly?

Grand Central.

You had your first date

at Grand Central Station.

It wasn't a shabby affair. I'd hired

out the entire place. It was deserted.

Acrobats were in the place,

put on quite a show for us.

- Didn't they, Naomi?

- No, no.

The floor was strewn

with a million petals.

Their scent hung in the air

like the sweet breath of angels.

And we forgot ourselves entirely.

Didn't we?

And ran nude through that concourse.

No, no, we just...

We had clothes on and we ate.

- What'd you eat?

NAOMl:
Oh.

Oh, what was that?

NAOMl:
Pe...

Pe... Pe... Pe...

PEZ.

Have any identification, Mr. Lincoln?

Actually, I do.

Um, here you go. I think you'll find that

should do the trick.

There's plenty more where that

came from, if you catch my drift, hmm?

Ah. You keep it, Arthur,

and thank you for the show.

- Naomi, get a license. Good luck.

NAOMl:
Okay.

What was that? Who are you?

I'm just a ragged-trousered stranger

with a crazy hat.

Oh, my God.

Arthur, your safari into the pointless

ends now. Get in the car.

No. It's okay.

Uh, Hobson can't tell me what to do.

Yes, I can. I work for his mother.

Get in the car. Bitterman, open the door.

Bitterman, close that door.

- Get in the car.

- Not you, Bitterman.

Yes, you, Bitterman.

I'm sorry. Who are you people?

I'm his nanny.

I'm not, I'm Bitterman.

Well, I have to get back to our confused

family over there, so have a nice day.

Oh, hang... Uh, excuse me.

Naomi Quinn,

I'd like to see you again.

- I don't date boys who have nannies.

Very wise choice.

You're not the first woman

who walks the streets for a living...

...that he's taken a liking to.

Is she always with you?

Okay. 917-176-2030.

- Uh... Did you remember that?

- No.

Arthur, get in the car.

I'm gonna get in the car now, but because

I want to, not because you have told me to.

Distinction.

Bitterman.

It was magical. We ran

from the police, then we lied to them.

- Have you ever had days like that, Evander?

I believe I have.

Me and this girl are two perfectly matched

opponents, like you and Mike Tyson.

- She could be the one.

Yes.

Oh. I'm so sorry. That went

right through your guard.

- Are you okay?

- I'll make it.

What I like about her, Naomi...

...is she's got a very unique way

of seeing the world.

So do flies.

This is a repeat of when you were certain

you needed a pet giraffe to be happy.

- Well, you were bored after a week.

- Because he ate his monocle.

The brute had no regard

for fashion, Evander.

No, because you were from two

different worlds, the same as this girl.

Listen, could you just let me focus

on my jab and refresh me, please?

- Aah! That's vodka in there.

- Refreshed?

No, but I think some of it probably went

in my bloodstream so it's not all bad news.

- Get dressed.

- Why?

Because at 3:
00

you're going to ask Burt Johnson...

...for his daughter's hand in marriage.

I will do no such thing. I'm going to

remain here and box with Evander.

And then I shall have my music lesson

with Kanye West as planned.

Out, now.

Make me.

I'll just have a bit of fun with her.

Use the old rope-a-dope,

I should think.

- Stick and move, like you taught me.

- Arthur, after you're married...

...you're going to have to stop this

obsession with random women.

She is not a random woman,

she understands me.

She laughs at my jokes. She's like you, but

with a more appropriate potential for sex.

Ow! That really hurt. Evander,

you assured me I was indestructible.

Burt Johnson, 3:
00.

Evander, if he's not out of this ring

in one minute, I'll bite your other ear off.

What am I doing here, Bitterman?

Uh, you asked me to drive you

to the Burt Johnson Tower.

- But if you were me...

- I would like that very much.

That's very flattering.

But if you were me

and you were in this situation...

...what would you do? What should I say?

Uh, I'd go in there and say, um,

"Mr. Johnson, I like your tower.

But I love your daughter. "

- But I don't love his daughter.

- Don't say that, because then he'll say no.

You've been very helpful.

Put this on. Wait here.

It's the same as your one.

"BJ," I'll never get tired of that.

Woo-hoo, Bitterman!

Bloody hell.

It's an apocalyptic future.

The Upper East Side lay

in absolute ruin.

The machines have taken over, as usual.

Ah, malevolent toaster.

Only one man can save civilization.

And that man is Arthur Bach.

Justice!

Hello, Arthur.

- Uh, sorry, I've never used...

- Never used what, Arthur?

One of these guns what makes nails

come out of it.

Oh, the Grip-Rite GR 350.

It's a good gun.

It's lovely, isn't it?

It's also one of my favorites.

Do you know you've got nails sticking

in you?

Framing nails.

Standard.

Well, I love what

you've done with the place, Burt.

It reminds me of a gay club

I went to once in Copenhagen.

This is gonna be my new office.

Oh, my God. I live right over there.

I can see my living room, Burt.

That's interesting.

And frightening.

Did you put this building here just

so you can spy on me?

Mm-hm.

Shouldn't you be getting

to the hospital?

If I ran off to the hospital every

time I got a little boo-boo...

Yeah. What's a nail through the body?

Made a hero out of Jesus.

Uh, Burt, I'm starting to feel

a bit queasy.

Let's cut the bullshit, Arthur.

I'm from Pittsburgh...

...and now I own skyscrapers.

Unlike you, I wasn't given my billions.

I took them.

But you know...

...I'm actually fine

with my little girl marrying you.

Do you know why?

Because you've lost a lot of blood

and you're disoriented?

My little Susan can turn you around.

You know, she once bought a crack house

and turned it into a condo.

That's funny,

I once did the exact opposite.

Now, you listen to me carefully. I need

to trust that you'll do what she says.

- Yes.

- Table saw.

Most dangerous piece of equipment

on a job site.

Hands five inches on either

side of the blade and you'll be fine.

- No, I don't like things like this.

- Come on. You can do it.

No... Just, uh... Just push it through.

I did it, Burt! I did a man thing!

That was incredible.

- Let's saw something else in half.

- How about your finger?

My finger?

It's okay, the saw has a safety

device. It detects moisture.

Anything containing moisture touches

that blade, and bam, it'll stop.

That sounds a little bit risky

to me, Burt.

Use your tongue.

- My tongue?

- Plenty of moisture in your tongue.

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