As Young as You Feel Page #6

and Consolidated Motors.

They restored our faltering faith."

That sure was some speech,

Mr. Cleveland.

- Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

- Yeah.

I've never seen anything like it.

There must be 10,000!

This isn't even half of'em.

Listen, Clancy, of course

I'm only head of public relations.

I suppose it'd be too much trouble

for anybody to tell me...

when the boss is going

to make a speech.

I didn't know anything

more about it than you did.

- He told me he was going

to the ball game yesterday.

- What a speech!

Look what's happened to the market.

Open two points up across the board.

Seen this?

- That's cute.

- I bet the rest of the industry's

tearing their hair out.

There's something fishy about all this.

Unless I'm out of my mind,

I was having luncheon with

Mr. Cleveland at 1:00 yesterday.

Oh, take it easy, Bill.

That's when he was makin' his speech.

Well, maybe 1:
15, 1:30.

But I know it was yesterday.

- Hey, what's the big idea?

- Set up a special meeting

in my office at 11:00.

And get my lawyer.

To sum it up, gentlemen,

it appears that this person's speech...

has not only caught the public's fancy

and brought this company

a great deal of goodwill...

but it's had a profound

effect on the whole market...

indeed on the whole

business structure of America.

The question now is, what

are we going to do about it?

There's only one thing we can do:

Categorically deny the whole thing.

And categorically deny

ourselves $25 million?

Well, if we don't deny it, somebody

else will. Then where will we be?

You're a lawyer, Joe.

What do you think?

Frankly, it looks to me like

a carefully planned maneuver...

not only to create a bull market...

but to put Consolidated Motors

in an awkward spot.

Actually, the speech doesn't really say

anything except what we've all been saying...

About individual initiative,

keeping our shoulders to the wheel...

and giving a bunch

of old men somejobs.

I'd say it's the work

of a crackpot.

I disagree.

I've read the speech a dozen times.

I don't find any crackpot ideas in it.

I consider it a splendid speech.

I agree with everything it says.

No, Ernest, the thing that worries me is,

why didn't I make that speech?

- What?

- You're paid to handle the public

relations of this company.

Here's a fine business talk

that I could have made.

- Why didn't you think of it?

- But, Mr. Cleveland, l-l...

In fact, why didn't

I think of it for myself?

For that matter, why didn't some of you

other gentlemen think of it for yourselves?

I think Mr. Cleveland has a point.

For the time being, at least

until we can make an investigation...

I've already taken steps to do that.

- Then I move we just sit tight.

- I second the motion.

- All in favor?

- [All Responding] Aye.

I know I don't have to caution anyone here

that this is a matter of utmost secrecy.

Good day.

- Uh, hey, Frank.

- Yeah?

You remember my telling you yesterday...

about the president

of Consolidated Motors...

and how it was really an old guy

in our handpress department?

- So?

- You haven't told anybody yet, have you?

Well, hardly.

Well, do me a favor and don't.

It's a long story. I can't explain.

Just take my word and don't.

- Sure.

- Thanks.

Well... see you around.

Hold this, Bess.

Thank you.

Come in.

Well?

Mr. Gallagher, there's

something going on around here...

that ought to be brought to

Mr. McKinley's attention immediately.

- What sort of something?

- This whole Consolidated Motors

thing, sir... it's just a gag.

What whole Consolidated Motors thing?

The man that was here inspecting the plant

is not the president of Consolidated Motors.

He's a printer in

our handpress department.

What's that behind your back,

Erickson? Dirty pictures?

Oh, no, sir.

This is the file on him.

The file on who?

On this man who everybody thinks

is the president of Consolidated Motors.

The one who made that speech

at the Chamber of Commerce yesterday?

- Listen, are you drunk?

- Oh, no, sir.

Then what are you driving at?

The man that was here inspecting

the plant was an impostor.

He pretended to be Harold P. Cleveland,

president of Consolidated Motors...

and he's not;

he's John Hodges, a printer.

Listen, Erickson,

if this is a gag, I don't like it.

- I know it sounds fantastic...

- You're getting to be something

of a screwball. You know that?

Me, sir?

I've got to make a choice for

a new assistant around here pretty soon...

and you're not giving me

a very good impression.

- But it's not a gag, sir, it's true!

- What's true?

The president of Consolidated Motors

that was here yesterday...

was not the real president

of Consolidated Motors.

The real president is a man

named Harold P. Cleveland.

The man that was here yesterday

is John Hodges, who works

in our handpress department.

- All you do have to do is look

at his picture here in the file.

- Never mind the file.

You say the whole world thinks the man

who inspected our plant yesterday...

was the president

of Consolidated Motors?

Yes, sir. And then he made the speech

at the Chamber of Commerce.

Mr. McKinley thinks he was

the president of Consolidated Motors.

The Chamber of Commerce

thinks so, but you don't.

- You think he's a printer.

- I'm sorry if you refuse

to believe me, Mr. Gallagher.

Don't be silly.

Of course I believe you.

And by the way,

my name isn't Gallagher.

I'm Harry Truman, president

of the United States.

And you're not Erickson,

you're Princess Elizabeth's baby,

Bonnie Prince Charlie.

- But, Mr. Gallagher...

- Get outta here!

The next time you come in with one of

your fool stories, I'll have you locked up!

Now, get out!

- Mr. McKinley in?

- Who's calling, please?

Kleinbaum's the name.

Mr. Rogell.

Mr. McKinley's in conference.

Perhaps if I could help you.

I hear you had quite a bit of

excitement around here yesterday.

Excitement?

What kind of excitement?

With Mr. Cleveland, I mean.

Oh, yes. Of course. Mr. Cleveland.

- Did you meet him, Miss?

- Me? I took dictation from him.

Yeah? Well, tell your boss he sent us.

Just a moment.

- Mr. McKinley will see you now.

- Thank you, Miss.

- [McKinley Groans]

- [Body Thuds]

[Murmuring]

- How do you feel?

- Awful.

Here, take a swallow of this.

- [Gasping]

- You'll be okay.

- We've sent for the doctor.

- I don't want a doctor.

- And you keep outta here too!

- I was only trying to help.

[Sighs]

Of course you understand this must

be handled with absolute secrecy.

Don't worry.

I'm the guy that was taken.

Why, if this ever gets out,

they'll laugh me right out of town.

- Don't excite yourself, Mr. McKinley.

- Why shouldn't I?

My whole life's been disrupted.

First, my wife wants a divorce.

Now I faint.

All on account of this phony.

Oh, the dirty, low-down crook.

I took him to my house for dinner.

Wait till I tell my wife.

Oh, boy, will I laugh right in her face.

- Falling for a phony.

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