Ask Me Anything Page #2

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"blond," "sex," and "oral sex,"

which means many of you

are lonely, disgusting pigs.

I also know a lot of you

are just normal people

who want to read the true-life

confessions of a tee...

What?

It's me.

Come in.

Boyfriend invasion.

Stand by.

I thought you had band practice.

Casey had a midterm.

You know, Wong,

I don't know which is worse.

Watching you eat

or watching you at work.

I'm perfectly able to do anything I want...

None of you care that I cheat on Rory,

but for some reason you hate

that it's with an older guy

who has a girlfriend.

Well, I had no clue

about Martina

until after the third time

Dan and I fooled around,

and I found her birth control

in a bathroom drawer.

By then it was too late.

I was in it.

Hold on...

Oh, God.

Oh, wow, you're so hot.

Oh, God, I love you.

Oh, God. Oh!

Oh, God... Ah!

Oh!

I think I just came.

Was I supposed to pull out?

Six o'clock.

Hey, so it is.

$288 cash with a two-dollar bill

for good luck.

Good first week?

Amazing.

And I almost finished Who Has

Changed and Who Is Dead.

Thank you

for the recommendation.

You're very welcome.

You know, it's the first book

I've read since second grade

that was... You know, like,

wasn't for school.

Yeah, that's the way it is

these days, I guess.

So sad.

I know.

I can't imagine life

without great books.

It's as close to the angels

as I get.

What do you mean?

Well, for me, reading

is a transcendent experience.

Hmm.

What does that mean, exactly?

What, "transcendence"?

It means beyond

the physical realm.

It's a spiritual experience.

I get it from great literature,

great paintings,

classical music, all the arts.

What about classical art films,

like Fellini or Buuel?

Sure.

Cool.

I knew it from the start

You would break my heart

But I fell for you

No matter how hard

I try

Change what's inside

You are all I need

Dan didn't even call

to say goodbye.

You're the fire

in my heart

If I don't get a car now,

I'll never see him again.

Look at the size

of that blue-gummed dummy.

So, what's up?

Well, it's been really,

really hard

ever since all my friends left

to go to college.

And I just...

I've been sitting at home

all the time.

I have no ride.

I can't get anywhere.

And I'm just...

Tell the witch to buy you a car.

No, she won't do it.

She thinks I'm so much like you,

she thinks I'm just going

to drink a bunch of beers

and hit a tree.

Sanctimonious c*nt.

If she had her way

we'd all be drinking holy water.

Out of the pope's jockstrap.

Did you come up with that?

No, you did.

No wonder.

What about peckerhead?

Why can't he squire you around?

Well, because we broke up

last night.

How come?

He's been pressuring me to,

you know,

like, go all the way,

and I'm just not ready yet.

Sh*t. Must have done

something right.

Daddy...

my whole life,

you said you would buy me a car

when I graduated.

Please keep your promise.

Please, Daddy, just this once.

Please.

And you promised me you'd stay

my little angel forever.

You'd never grow up.

Now look at you.

Tits and everything.

Hey, uh, Joel Seidler here.

I'm not sure if you remember me.

I'm tall and muscular,

and I played football.

No, wait,

that's my diametric opposite.

I'm the short, depressed Jew

who tutored you in math.

Anyway, I'm a senior

at Princeton now,

and I'm taking a semester off.

I heard that you were around.

Call me or text me, whatever.

I'm back, b*tch!

Thank God Jade's home

from visiting her grandmother

in Greece.

Jade's pretty much

my only female friend now.

There was a rumour last year

that Jade and I were dykes.

I have no idea why.

I want your tits!

I want your ass!

I want your skin!

I want your ass!

I'm finding it true

When I'm hanging

around you

I think it's easy

to say

My boyfriend

is in junior high

His real age is just

one big lie

I wish I would have

known that...

If he lived here, let's face it.

We'd end up hating

each other's guts.

This way it stays

perfect forever.

You fall in love every

time you go on vacation.

I know. I'm a rock star.

I met him like

my second day in Corfu.

I told you

Dan moved away, right?

Yeah.

He hasn't called me since.

It's humiliating.

You didn't fool around

with him, did you?

No! Hello!

He's 32 and he has a girlfriend.

And you have f***ing Rory.

Lick my lips

I'm mouthwatering

Take a sip

Pretty please

I'm begging

for some honey

Indulge me

Baby, got me going

'Cause you looking so...

I can't believe

you're all really out there.

I'm used to only being famous

in my own mind.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

Just wasting time.

Come with me.

What's wrong?

Just come. Not you.

And put some clothes on.

We have neighbours.

Dad's dead, isn't he?

Bad news, hon.

Your starting salary just didn't

past the smell test with me,

so I had a friend of mine in

law enforcement do some digging.

Is this your boss?

Glenn's a rapist?

Sexual assault's

a much broader category.

The particulars can vary,

but, yeah, it's basically

sexual contact without consent.

You have to quit your job

right away.

What am I supposed to say?

Hmm. Start with this.

My mom's boyfriend has a partner

at a really big law firm.

She thinks it'll look impressive

on my rsum

if I ever want to be

an attorney, which I might.

So I really have to quit.

Oh, I'm so disappointed.

So am I, really.

You're a very special girl,

Katie, and a joy to be around.

And I'll miss you.

Thanks. You too.

Bye, Glenn.

Do you have

some clean underwear?

Please be Dan.

Please, please, please be Dan.

Please be Dan.

Hello?

Catherine?

Katie, actually.

I don't know if you remember me.

My name's Paul Spooner.

I interviewed you

for admittance to Tufts.

Oh, no, of course

I remember you.

Hello, Paul.

Oh, you know, I got in.

I just decided to defer a year.

I know. That's actually

why I'm calling.

You don't by any chance

need a job, do you?

That is so, so weird.

I had one until, like,

10 days ago,

but then I had to quit.

My boss turned out to be

a convicted sex offender.

That's terrible.

Well, even more terrible for

the gal he sexually offended.

Yeah.

I got a new job!

Hey, can I call you back?

That's wonderful.

What is it?

I'm a nanny.

I get paid $12 an hour,

and I get the use of a car.

A car! I get a Volvo!

I'm getting a Volvo!

What?

What's with the face?

Well, did you tell him

you have no experience?

Of course not.

Honey.

What?

What? What?!

Why are you

so f***ing negative?!

Catherine.

Katie.

Oh, my God,

you are so cute and tiny.

Come in.

I'm Margaret Spooner.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

You are a godsend.

Oh, cool.

You have no idea.

I'll show you around.

This house is amazing.

Oh, thank you.

I'm an interior designer,

so love it.

You just missed Paul.

He works for a big hedge fund,

so he travels all the time,

but he'll be back on Friday.

So Paul said that you have

some experience with newborns.

Oh, not much, but yeah.

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