Ask Me Anything Page #3

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Well, I had zero

when Kyle was born.

Okay, you smell that?

That is newborn poop.

Kind of like butter popcorn when

they're nursing, which Kyle is.

Go ahead.

Your first lesson.

Pick him up.

Really?

Yeah.

Just make sure

you cradle his head.

That's it.

You got it.

Hi.

He likes you.

Stop being mad at me for not posting.

I had a very busy week learning

how to take care of a baby.

Hey!

Hey, super nanny

Katherine Kampenfelt.

How was your flight?

It was interminable.

Where's Maggie?

Feeding Kyle.

Come on, let's get reacquainted.

So tell me everything.

How was your first week?

It was awesome.

Hmm.

Margaret is such

a great teacher.

Kyle is such a good baby.

Way more mature

than my boyfriend.

I can't tell you how relieved

I am this worked out.

Remember how much fun we had

at our interview?

Honestly, not really.

I thought Tufts

was just my safety school.

Well, that explains

why you were so cocky.

Hey.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Ow.

Oh, sorry.

Your pay.

Yeah, but it's only 3:15.

Oh, um, okay.

Well, I'll see you guys Monday.

Remember when my ass looked like that?

Bye.

Last night was the fifth Friday in a row

that Dan didn't call me.

And since

I'm not allowed to call,

text or even e-mail him,

there's nothing I can do.

My grandmother once told me,

"Never make a big decision

while you're bleeding,

because there's a pretty good

chance you're nuts."

But I don't care.

I'm tired of waiting.

Hi.

Hey.

I have an evil scheme.

My favourite kind.

Oh, God,

please answer the phone.

I did not know

you were religious.

Only when I'm jonesing

for a bonesing.

Hello?

Wrong number.

Okay, what did you just say?

"Where's the clog

that we ate yesterday

at the beauty parlour

train station bathroom?"

Genius.

Yeah.

Okay, wrong numbers always

come in twos, right?

Right.

I have one more chance.

Maybe he'll answer.

Why does he let her

answer the phone?

She grabs it. She's this crazy,

jealous French b*tch from hell.

That's why I can't contact him.

Hello?

Hey, it's me. Call me when you

get this. It's really important.

Okay, bye. Aah!

Got it!

Okay.

Want to watch some porn?

Bye, Jadey.

Please don't be mad at me.

I'm not.

Martine just ran out

to buy cigarettes. What's up?

I got a car.

A Volvo.

Hello?

Yeah.

I can come see you

whenever you want me to.

Remember what I did last time?

How I touched you?

I want to do it again.

But this time with my mouth.

Let me.

Please.

Wednesday, I'll text you

the address.

Paul made a ton of money today

because he predicted

a stock would tank.

He brought home Belgium

chocolates and champagne.

All day I was so excited

about my date with Dan

my heart felt like

it was going to explode.

I loved the whole world.

You're calling me

on my phone

It's 2:
00 in the morning

Boy, you just

ain't the type

That a girl gonna hit

once or twice

Gonna send you on a slow jam

- We need protection.

- No. No, we don't.

Are you sure?

Daddy!

Cigarettes?

Since when?

Yeah.

It was a mistake.

Oh, come on.

One's not going to kill you.

No, I meant that.

Well, my period just ended.

That's not what I meant.

Is it my age?

You know my birthday's

at midnight.

Here's the thing.

I care about you a lot,

but...

Okay before you dump me,

let me say something.

Martine treats you like sh*t

and I think you should dump her

and go out with me instead.

Now I know my age

freaks you out,

but we can do it

in a really cool, healthy way.

I promise.

I wouldn't have to meet

any of your friends,

and I wouldn't make you

meet my mom.

We could keep

the whole thing a secret.

It would just be us right here,

making love

and watching art films.

And then when I go away

to college,

we break up really maturely.

Stay friends forever.

It's perfect.

It would be.

Is that a yes?

I can't.

Why?

Martine and I are engaged.

Since the middle of October.

What do you have with her

that you don't have with me?

Katie...

Answer the f***ing question.

There are just...

There are things that...

That people

close to each other in age

share.

Like what?

Martine and I

are intellectually compatible.

Why did you have to f***

me before you told me the truth?

You're such a liar!

So is that why you moved?

So you could live together?

She lives here?

Where were you?

What happened

to your study group?

It ended an hour ago.

Where were you?

A movie!

Is everything all right?

Have you been crying?

Rory, come down.

What did you see?

What?

The name of the movie,

what was it?

Sex With a Paranoid Guy.

It was a comedy.

Now go home, you freak.

Where were you?

F*** you!

Are you okay?

He was older.

He's a 32-year-old guy,

and I'm madly in love

with him, okay?!

Did you have sex with him?

You did.

Hey, hey, hey!

Never hit a girl!

Never hit a girl!

Get the hell out of here!

Get out of here!

You want to go to jail?!

You want to tell me

what that was about?

Just go, please.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Mark...

thanks.

Turns out they were engaged the whole time.

They moved in together.

I'm such a retard.

Oh, sweetheart,

I wish you would have told me

about it sooner.

I could have warned you.

Never get mixed up with someone

if there's a third party

involved.

You almost always lose.

You didn't sleep with him,

did you?

Of course not.

I'm sorry. Had to ask.

Aren't you going to wish me

a happy birthday?

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

Happy birthday.

So, what do you want to do

to celebrate?

I don't know.

Thank God my name's not really Katie

and I'm 100% invisible

to the world,

or I'd be so humiliated

by my life right now

I'd probably kill myself.

Do you stay friends

with your exes?

Only if they can handle us

being platonic.

Hasn't happened yet.

Do you pee in swimming pools?

That's the only place.

What's your favourite thing

in your bedroom?

My heart.

What's your least favourite

thing in your bedroom?

My heart.

What are you listening to

these days?

A voice in my head telling me

that something wonderful

is going to happen any minute.

It just has to.

I know the prices are outrageous,

but you just can't beat

the organic produce.

Absolutely. The meats are to die for.

Oh, I know.

The other day

I got a leg of lamb.

I'm telling you it was this big.

Hang on one second.

Is he down?

Yup, boom.

Oh, good.

Did I mention you look adorable?

Oh, well, I don't feel it.

Barely got two hours of sleep

last night.

Excitement about

Santa's arrival, or boy trouble?

Boy trouble.

Well, good riddance,

whoever he is.

You can do better.

Couldn't do worse.

I have a nephew.

Oh.

- Onwards and upwards.

- Cheers.

I thought we were the bad guys.

Well, no, no, no.

People are people.

You know, red, white, purple.

We're all sh*t.

You know what else

the Apache enjoyed?

Sodomy.

Most of Custer's

seventh brigade,

second cavalry,

they were found buck naked,

all torn up inside.

Well, Ollie, listen,

it's been a riot.

Cornflower blue.

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