Ask Me Anything Page #4

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You're a real blond, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

You're real naughty too.

Not tonight. Not... Not...

Not feeling it tonight,

turtleneck, okay?

Now let me go before I scream.

Whoa!

You better slow down there.

That stuff will kill you.

I still have to drive home.

You having fun?

At my own party?

Not a chance.

We've got to stop

meeting like this.

Maggie will get suspicious.

Really?

Snow is falling

Do you hear those winter bells

ringing

In this winter storm?

Hey, uh, Merry Christmas Eve.

It's Joel again.

You never call me back,

so I assume you're either

really busy

or you hate Jews.

So here's why I keep calling.

The third week of school

I tried to jump

out of a dorm window.

And I remember you spent some

time at a mental hospital,

and I thought you might

be able to relate

to what I'm going through,

and then we could be friends.

My bad.

Take it in, take it in

And sing your Christmas song

The world is changing

Everything is painted

white and red

And gold

The stars are dangling...

Oh.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Oh, Dad.

What did I do to deserve this?

You knocked up Mom.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, these will keep

my nuts warm.

Thank you, kid.

How was dinner with your family?

Oh, thank you for asking.

My...

Don't ever spend Christmas Eve

with old Hindus.

It was like Gunga Din meets

the Brothers Grimm.

I couldn't get out of there

fast enough.

Oh, here.

I know what my baby girl likes.

Thanks.

It's beautiful.

I used to be your hero.

Bet you don't even

remember that, do you?

Not really.

I used to come home from work,

you'd just go crazy.

You'd grab my hand, show me your

latest Barbie or whatever.

Then the witch kicked me out.

Right before Christmas, too.

You latched on

like a goddamn pit bull.

Wouldn't let go.

Seriously?

Screaming your lungs out.

I can't believe

I don't remember that.

Happy New Year!

Right after Rory and I broke up,

Jade found a new boyfriend.

I had no one to celebrate with

last night.

Honey? It's me.

Come in.

Oh, God.

Dad's dead?

Oh, my God!

Congratulations!

I don't even know what to say.

She's marrying the moustache.

Oh, no!

I knew you'd understand.

Come over, please.

Uh...

first I, uh,

I got to tell you something.

Sh*t.

Hold on.

Okay, what?

Okay, um...

so the night we broke up

I took two sleeping pills.

And Jade was over trolling on

4chan with my roommates.

So, any resolutions?

Well, I found out my boyfriend's

boning my best friend.

I thought you and your boyfriend

broke up.

We did.

Now it's permanent.

I'm never going to speak

to either of them again.

Smart choice.

What about you?

I am going back to work

part-time.

Wow, really? So soon?

Yeah, well, I feel great.

You know, I got my body back.

Why not?

Paul's pissed.

If he had his way

I'd stay home forever

and be a broodmare.

Do you know what that is?

Like a sad horse.

Close, yeah.

One that does nothing

but give birth.

Do you want to have more kids?

No.

How's it going?

Wow, you're even prettier

than I remember.

And you're just as sweet.

Um...

I can't believe you finally

decided to hang out with me.

I hope I don't destroy

your social standing.

Stop it.

What made you finally

call me back?

Your text made me laugh.

Hey, you're legal, right?

Yeah.

You should order wine.

They won't card me here

if you do it.

So anyway, long story short,

they've been f***ing ever since.

What a roll you're on.

I know. I have the worst luck

with guys.

Yeah, I would say

the worst taste.

I mean, you're the one

who picks them, right?

Yeah.

Anyway, it seems like your

problems go way beyond guys.

I mean, you're confused

about a lot.

Well, who isn't at our age?

And that's why

the most important thing

is to develop

self-awareness.

I'm pretty much the most

f***ed-up person I know,

and I'm working really hard

to understand myself.

Are you?

Working really hard

to understand you?

Not really.

When you're ready.

Right.

Hello?

Who is this? Affie?

What is it?

Is it my dad?

Affie, what's wrong?!

You can see him now.

When he fell,

an artery in the sac

around his brain ripped open.

They fixed it

and stopped the bleeding,

but now all they can do

is wait and see.

I used to pour my dad

his beers for him.

Even though I get how sad

and inappropriate that is,

at the time it made me feel

really special.

And I'm still an expert

at pouring beer

so that the foam

doesn't spill over.

Oh, uh, one more...

One more thing.

My dad and I, we used to play

this game together

when we were watching TV,

and I would ask him if I could

have some of his beer.

So he would reach over

to grab his mug,

and when he did

I would flop my mouth down

on his beer belly and...

And he would get all mad,

like I had tricked him.

And...

I would just laugh my head off.

Yes.

Hi, my name's Amy Graham.

I'm a student

of Professor Gallo's.

I hate bothering him at home,

but it's really,

really important,

and I lost his phone number.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He's not home.

Darn it. Okay, okay.

Uh...

But I'll be happy

to give him a message.

Will you please tell him there's

been a death in my family,

so I can't finish

my paper on time.

Which paper?

The one he assigned.

All right. I'm sorry.

I mean, for your loss.

That's okay.

Merci.

Bye.

During the week of work I missed,

Margaret kept her resolution

and got a job redoing

a zillionaire's media room.

For the next month

she'll be working weekdays

from 9:
00 to 3:00.

So Kyle doesn't get

too traumatized by the change,

Paul's going to eat lunch

at home every day.

Well, I can't believe

how okay you seem.

He had cirrhosis

for a long time.

I knew he was going to die.

I was pretty much

prepared for it.

The arrogance of youth.

Don't say that.

No, no, I mean it

as a compliment.

An ironic one, but if young

people weren't so arrogant,

they'd really be in trouble.

What do you mean?

Look, life kicks your ass.

If young people knew it,

they'd crawl into the basement

with a crack pipe

and never come out.

Wouldn't take risks

or fight for lost causes,

or even start a career.

I mean, why bother, right?

You think you're okay

with your dad's death?

Not a chance. It won't even

hit you that he's really gone

until you're in your 30's,

which happens to be the most

difficult decade of life.

That is when the sh*t

really hits the fan.

What are you grinning at?

You.

Tell me more.

I want to know everything.

Hey, you haven't quit yet.

- Not yet.

- See you later. Thanks.

- Yeah!

- Hey, hey. Hi, sweetie.

I'll be right back.

Here's your salary,

and a little something extra.

Thanks. Bye.

Bye.

"Dear Miss Kampenfelt,

"since you expressed

a desire today

"to learn more about adult life,

"here are 10 bitter truths

for your reading pleasure.

"Number one:
Complete honesty

is a complete lie.

"Two, marriage is sacred

only to those

"who have never been married.

"Three, money is more integral

to happiness

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