Ask Me Anything Page #5

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than romantic love."

"Four,

every human being is a contradiction.

"Some hide it

better than others.

"Five, never underestimate

the tendency of human beings

"to act contrary

to their own best interests.

"Six, were it not for the fear

of getting caught,

"most of us would behave

like savages.

"Seven, all sex

has consequences,

most of them dire."

"The older you get,

the faster time flies

"until months pass like days.

"There's no such thing

as living happily ever after.

Everything gets worse."

He wants to f*** you.

He has, like,

the most perfect,

beautiful wife on the planet.

And that's why

it's not going to happen?

Because he doesn't want to?

What about you?

I would never do that.

You don't know me.

You're self-centered.

Ooh, news flash.

You're promiscuous.

I can't help it.

It feels good.

And plus, I owe it to my fans.

You're an incipient alcoholic.

No, I'm not.

Hey, what does that mean again?

It means you're not an addict yet,

but you're well on the way.

Oh, okay.

I want to ask you something,

Mm-hmm.

You don't have to answer,

but were you molested

when you were little?

Because you remind me

of a friend of mine from school.

She was abused.

A little.

I mean, it just depends on...

The summer before my parents

got divorced, I was like 6.

My dad had disconnected

the cable.

He was going to write this book

on worst sports injures

in history,

and he didn't want

to be distracted.

That's a good idea for a book.

Well, he never wrote it.

Anyway, since we had no TV,

my mom sent me next door

to watch at the Solagee's.

And Mrs. Solagee

would always make me

these yummy prune

Hungarian cookies,

and I'd get to watch cartoons.

But then when we were alone,

Mr. Solagee would put me

on his lap,

and he'd touch me.

He would squirm around

the whole time.

God.

You know, it actually felt

kind of good.

My friend Joel

thinks I need therapy.

What do you think?

He's probably right.

I agree.

Surprise, surprise.

I'll find you someone good.

A lady, okay?

JulietIsDead wants to know what Joel meant

when he said I was in

a mental hospital.

When I was 13 I stole

a bunch of my mom's Ambiens

and climbed in the window

of a 26-year-old lifeguard

I had a massive crush on.

When he told me to go home,

I started crying hysterically

and locked myself

in his bathroom.

They kept me in the psych ward

for three days.

Been pretty much anti-therapy

ever since.

And now I'm thinking that maybe

what Mr. Solagee did

really affected me.

Maybe that's why I like

older guys so much.

I just always that it was

because my dad was such a dick.

I'd like you to write a letter

to Mr. Solagee.

He's really old.

He's probably dead.

It's not for him.

Kyle had night terrors again last night.

Even after I picked him up,

he cried for another

half-hour.

Scared the sh*t out of us.

Well, what do you think's

causing it?

Well, I think it's that Maggie

went back to work,

but she doesn't want

to hear about that, of course.

So, what are you going to do?

Just give him some extra love,

and hope that she comes

to her senses.

Hmm.

She's so lucky

to be married to you.

I don't know why she wants

to go back to work so quickly.

It's ridiculous.

You know what?

It's not till tomorrow,

but what the hell?

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's a locket.

Until you have a kid

of your own,

I figured a picture of Kyle

will have to do.

Thank you. I love it.

God, you're beautiful.

So yeah, I mostly just hang

out with this kid, Joel Seidler.

He's kind of funny.

Look who it is.

Hey, honey.

What time did she say

the samples were coming?

Ha! No, no, no, no, no.

I need something way more

specific than that.

Yes, please call back.

All right, fine.

I'll call you back.

Well, well.

Hey, um...

Martine's out of town

for the weekend.

Hey, why didn't you tell me

your dad died?

Because I hate your guts.

Oh, God!

Okay, slow down, slow down.

I want it to last longer.

You can do it.

You can.

You can.

That was a big mistake.

Yeah.

I'm in love...

with somebody else.

Oh, and suddenly age matters?

Yeah, it matters, because

I'm 14 years older then you.

I'm not 23. And I'm not married.

And I'm not your boss.

Why are you freaking out?

All we did was kiss.

Oh, stop. Stop pretending like

you don't know what's going on.

That's why he hired you.

He's a f***ing scumbag.

And what are you?

You need help.

I know.

I'm in therapy.

Good, well, hope you tell him

all about Spooner.

It's a she.

And I didn't.

But I told her all about you.

That's great.

Thanks.

Well, you can tell her this

next time you go:

You can tell her

that I ended it.

No more. We're not doing this

ever again, you understand?

One of us has to be

strong enough to end it.

Since I'm the adult

I guess it'll be me.

Don't call me again either.

Good morning!

Gotcha. Okay, so you...

So you don't like that.

I thought I didn't

want it to happen,

but maybe I did.

When I'm with him

I feel so special.

I forget everything.

Dear Dr. Sherman,

first off, I want to thank you

for making time

in your busy schedule

to see my darling Katie.

She really is something,

isn't she?

One of a kind, all right.

As much as she enjoyed

your session together,

I have decided to send her

to a different therapist,

one who specializes

in young women

and their many food-body

issues, a national epidemic.

Thank you so much for your time.

Yours truly...

Caroline Kampenfelt.

Katie, Joel.

Hi.

I just wanted to tell you

that you're a monster.

I've been a really

good friend to you,

and this is how you repay me?

By never calling me back.

Besides me, how many

straight guys are there

in the whole world

who like you enough

to be your friend without there

being anything sexual?

I'll give you a hint:

Zero.

I'm only three years

older than you,

but I'm so much smarter

it's ridiculous.

You have no inner life.

Why was I crying so hard?

Who cares what Joel

thought of me?

And then I thought,

Oh, wait,

maybe it's just hormones.

No, thanks.

Okay.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

You never say no.

Why not?

I'm pregnant.

Holy sh*t.

Stop.

I'm not keeping it.

And there's a decent chance

it's not yours.

Then why'd you even tell me?

Because you wanted me

to get high.

Yeah, well, if you're just going

to kill it, why not get high?

I might change my mind.

Maybe.

Oh, man.

How many others are there?

Two.

You're a f***ing whore.

You're not even worth it!

Hello?

I'm sorry, I might have

the wrong number.

I'm looking for Joel Seidler.

Who is this?

Katie Kempenfelt.

Oh, Katie.

You know he's clinically

depressed, right?

Of course.

We talk about it all the time.

Well, he made another attempt.

Pills this time.

Very female.

I was the one who found him.

Worst moment of my life.

Is he okay?

Physically, yes.

Mentally, who the hell knows?

He's at St. Jude's.

Can I visit him?

No, honey we got to get

his chemistry

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