Asterix and Obelix: God Save Britannia Page #4

---

Really?

You bet! They know kissing

isn't about being appropriate.

It's about timing...

and this was the right time.

But if you don't want to...

Wait...

It's a Gaul kiss.

Come on, it's no big...

- Are those Britons?

- They're not very big.

Hiding behind me?

That's very cowardly.

I don't care.

We're looking for Caesar and his army.

Do you know where they are?

I don't want to die!

- Pull yourself together.

- I'm too afraid!

I say, you're the champion of fear!

Did you hear that, Yadutaf?

Catch him, Tetedepiaf,

before he flies away.

I'll bring him to camp.

Go to the nearest village,

ask for Caesar

and then kill everyone.

How do I find the village?

She'll take you.

- Then what do I do with her?

- You kill her too, stupid.

Oh yeah, right.

A jolly good day to you, foreign friend.

Wait. First, we must agree on the rules.

What rules?

Okay, no rules.

Thank you.

It was nothing.

I needed some exercise anyhow.

I hear you didn't go out alone.

The Normans kidnapped Goudurix!

I'm very worried.

Rightly so, my dear.

The odds are

he's been turned into melba toast.

How awful!

Yes, it is, eh what!

Well then, I suggest we go home.

Your insensibility

saddens me deeply.

I too have reason to feel sad.

But I do not offend you by blaming you.

So be it!

I strayed from the righteous path.

But how could I not?

You're as tedious

as a winter's day

and stiffer than Miss Macintosh.

It took you six months to address me,

one year to ask for my hand,

and we've barely exchanged

ten words since.

When might I hope for

a bit of company,

perhaps even some human warmth?

On my death bed?

My conduct has been

that of a British gentleman.

If this does not suit you,

then we were not meant for each other.

What're you doing here?

I was arrested during an ID check.

I'll be deported on the next caravan.

YOU!

Come with me.

Move it.

Excuse me,

may I have some water for my plant?

It needs it badly.

Doesn't need it anymore.

Why?

Why what?

Why are you always under my feet?

Hey, Jules, every tale

has a good guy and a bad guy.

And you're the bad guy?

No, you're the bad guy.

These are the adventures of Asterix,

not Caesar.

The adventures of Asterix!

See this? "The Gallic Wars."

The adventures of Julius Caesar,

by Julius Caesar, in six volumes.

That my friend, is History.

Sounds megalomaniac to me.

I don't think you fully realise

who I am.

My reign will have such impact

that in 2,000 years

people will say,

"We're in the year 2000 J.C."

- But what have you done?

- Me?

Yes, you with your smirk.

What's your claim to fame?

I don't claim much.

I just try to be a decent guy.

I wake up happy.

My pals and I help each other.

We laugh, we argue.

And every Sunday,

we eat a big wild boar together.

You've sold out.

No, I haven't.

In my village, I'm very respected.

- In your village?

- Yes.

That doesn't thrill me.

Listen, I have a proposal to make.

Come and work for me.

Your mind united with my power...

we'd make a smashing team.

Why would I do that?

Because I'm your father.

No...

You believed it! Yes, you did.

You fell for it!

Not at all.

Rubbish.

You're fighting the wrong battle.

Defending the oppressed

is wasted sentimentality.

It might flatter the ego,

but it's useless.

You barely save one race

and another massacres them.

You must be realistic and lucid.

There's no point.

Besides these Britons are odd.

They're playing Mr. Jolly now,

but at the first chance, they'll

declare war on you for 100 years!

Listen to me.

You give me the barrel,

I finish my invasion,

and we wipe out their civilisation.

No more hot water,

no more boiled meat.

And we make them talk normally.

Wouldn't that be a service to humanity?

Yes.

But no.

Take him away.

Torture him until he talks!

Enough! He wears me out.

- He's awake!

- The champion's awake!

The champion! The champion!

Chief, it's the champion.

Scare us.

- Excuse me?

- Scare us!

We travelled far to discover fear.

I demand that you teach us.

Fear? Fear is...

I don't know...

You tremble, you sweat,

your teeth chatter,

you get a stomach ache...

It's the flu! Fear is the flu!

How do you catch it?

I caught it kissing my cousin Epitafe.

For the last time, Norman,

I'm asking you...

Where did they take Goudurix?

My dear Ophelia,

I fear that isn't proper behaviour.

Mr. Tetedepiaf,

though your presence here was not

your choice, so to speak,

we shall do everything

to ensure you have a pleasant stay.

So please, if you have

any needs whatsoever, just ask us.

You-want-me-give-something-you?

Drink!

I'm afraid I didn't hear correctly.

I want drink! Give me!

So many mistakes in so few words!

Firstly, one does not "want" something,

one "hopes".

Or at best, one "wishes".

Secondly,

we Britons are very fussy

about forms of address.

Thirdly and last,

it is customary,

when expressing a request,

to add polite phrases.

I'm thirsty!

This time, very exceptionally,

I shall show flexibility

and give into your request.

It's hot!

By Odin,

you want to poison me, witch?

You, you... Untie me!

Untie me!

By Odin, untie me!

My dear Ophelia,

I believe Mr. Tetedepiaf

would greatly benefit

from a crash course in proper manners.

If several gentlemen are seated

and a lady enters the room,

the gentlemen must immediately

get to their feet

and wait for the lady

to invite them to sit.

Either verbally or with a gentle nod.

Like this.

If the lady wishes to sit down,

one of the gentlemen,

the first one to her left, of course,

must come and stand behind...

So, Gaul, where's the barrel?

Do you enjoy torturing people?

I mean, is it a job you'd recommend

to Young people?

I'm serious,

one rarely gets to meet you people.

And when you do,

it's usually all over.

Where's the barrel?

In your case, was it a vocation?

A passion that became a profession?

Or did a career counsellor orient you?

Because it's obviously not a sideline,

you do a fine job.

But then I thought,

if you didn't choose it, why continue?

Ok, ok!

I'll talk.

I feel like talking now.

I'm listening.

What if we decided to call it quits?

Why don't we preach

love and fraternity instead?

Too bad for you, Gaul.

Yes?

Who is it?

A jolly good day.

I thought you'd never get here!

Free me, I'm burning up.

What're you waiting for?

I'm thinking about what you said.

Each man for himself...

Obelix...

Maybe we should take a breather.

This isn't funny.

It's cruel of me

to bring up ancient history.

Let's go.

We'll leave Asterix alone...

You want an apology?

Ok! But not like this.

Why not?

It'll mean nothing.

I'll have done it under duress.

Free me,

and I'll apologise of my own accord.

It's crazy,

even their cranks turn the Wrong way!

What about your apology?

Goodbye, Pindepis.

Sorry about your plant.

I kept the leaves. I'm sure

they'll continue bringing me good luck.

Goodbye. And thanks again.

Where's the barrel?

Gone.

Then we'd be wise to split up.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote