Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies Page #2

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to have some, um,

herbalicious,

you know what I'm saying?

Uh, yeah.

If I see Robbie,

I'll let him know

you're looking for him.

[whirring]

Quadoxin, chlorophyll,

sample 15 ready.

Quadoxin, adversity test.

Field drop. Number MW-212.

Chlorophyll sample, 15 of 30.

All right,

are you hungry?

I was thinking of going into town, grabbing

some grub. Shall I pick you up something?

I've got that nice soup

in the fridge if you want some.

Organic and vegan.

Well, finish up.

I'll take a look at your notes.

Most places might be closed

because of that carnival.

And there's not much

in town either.

I guess I'll have to see

what the carnies have.

Don't linger

at the games, Danny,

but if you do,

bring me back a prize, okay?

I'm not that lucky.

Back in a bit.

You caught anything yet?

Hey, we're hungry.

Not yet.

They ain't biting today.

Looks like I got one.

It a biggin'.

Fire up the grease.

- All right!

- Whoo!

[roaring]

[growling]

- [blues music playing in

distance] -[grunting]

Got any that weren't made

with peanut oil?

- [Nancy] No, sorry.

- Thank you.

You can never expect the line

to be short,

but this is ridiculous.

Why not visit the booths?

Grab a trotskey for

my apartment.

I'm pretty sure

you mean tchotchke.

You want me to grab you

a pie?

Peanut allergy, remember?

Ed's always used peanut oil.

Sign says so right there.

That guy is waving

to us, I think.

Huh. Uh...

Yeah, well, Nancy Nelson says

that the peanut oil

is a base to their

secret marinade, so...

Um, yeah, you know,

I think I'm gonna go

check out some of the jewelry

over there.

Lon, wanna take a break,

talk to her?

Enjoy your pie.

But...

[sighs]

No use, Ed.

She's with Trent Raleigh.

He goes to her college.

Serves me right for staying

and not following her.

Whatever we had before

is gone, I suppose.

Take a break, Lon.

You can try.

Still might be sweet on ya.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Bob, whatcha eatin'

there, dude?

Come on!

Meat pies here!

Hey, hey, man,

you want a meat pie?

I'm not real big on

meat pies.

Oh, come on, they'll put

lead in your pecker.

I don't think so, man.

Oh, man!

You can try it?

Well, I don't know,

his look okay over there.

I think I'm gonna go with his.

Thank you.

There's an a**hole

in every crowd.

That Ed Nelson and his wife

screwed me good this time.

How's that, Mr. Johnson?

Well, me and Ed let

Creighton decide

who was gonna get the first pick

of his goats this year.

Son of a b*tch, pissant,

motherfucking shitheads!

I hope they hear me!

Son of a b*tch.

F*** me for doing this,

but I'm gonna go over there

and say something.

[groaning]

[growling]

[growling]

[blues music playing]

[engine revving]

[growling]

[roaring]

[laughing]

[panting]

- [rustling]

- Do you hear something?

Oh.

No, I...

Sorry. I don't know.

It's okay.

[giggling]

- [leaves rustle]

- Trish.

I think I saw something.

- What?

- Yeah, I think somebody...

I think someone's over there.

- I don't see anything.

- No?

- Hey!

- [grunts, groans]

- Robbie!

- Jesus, my balls!

[Robbie groans]

- Come on, get on here!

- What is going on?

What happened to Asher?

He got f***ing bitten by

an alligator near the creek.

Yeah, 'gator! [groans]

We gotta get your friend to a hospital,

right? That doesn't look so good.

Yeah, well, we thought about it, but we

didn't need any f***ing heat at the moment!

We at least need to get him to the

first-aid station or something.

Are alligators rabid, though?

Like, can they contract

rabies?

No, only mammals can.

But honestly,

that does not look like

any kind of swamp rat

or alligator

for that matter.

You're a doctor?

No, I only play one on TV.

- [girls laugh]

- [coughs]

I listened in science class.

She's majoring in botany.

I'm so proud.

We should probably split for

that first-aid tent down there.

Hold up, boss.

My balls!

[coughs]

We should keep moving, guys.

Let's go.

But does anybody have

any weed, though?

- [Matt] Shut the f*** up about weed!

- Fine.

[growling]

[growling]

[mayor talking on PA]

Welcome fellow Charlestonians!

[mayor chuckles]

I'm proud to be standing

before you

to officially open the first day

of our fourth annual

Mose Allison Music Festival.

For the kids, we got clowns

and rides

and about as much sugar

as you can shake a stick at.

So, parents, keep an eye on

them little booger eaters.

[laughs]

And for the parents,

we got the wine bar

and beer garden

again this year,

and plenty of games

of chance.

Now, folks, I'm not going to wear you

down with words, I am a politician.

[mayor chuckles]

Go have fun!

Those look good on you.

Thanks.

It's not really

my style, though.

Maybe Trent will like 'em.

Lonnie...

you knew I was going away

to college.

Okay, I can't help

that life changes.

You mean you can't help

that mine didn't?

Lonnie, that's

hardly true, or fair.

I hoped you were doing well.

I signed up for

business courses online.

Things are going

really well for Ed.

There's a future in those pies.

Heck, even my crop-dusting

work's going well.

Lonnie, I know you'll succeed.

You've got a great heart...

and brains.

And whatever paths we take,

I'll always consider you

a friend, but...

[phone beeping]

Uh... It's 911.

I've gotta go.

We'll talk more?

Maybe before you leave?

I don't know.

Bye, Lonnie.

Bye for now.

Go to your better life, then.

[sighs]

Our town is on an upswing.

You should be proud of your

own hardworking efforts

in making Charleston

a better place to live.

Lucky my ass! You done stole the

election from me, you dirty rat!

Oh, I never stole nothin'

in my life there, sir.

- All right.

- Yeah, you did!

[chuckles] I thought I told

you to wait in the truck.

- [man] I'll get you later!

- Okay.

Grandpa at the stage.

Somebody come get him.

- [laughs]

- [man, mockingly] Ha-ha! Yeah!

[mayor] If you haven't tried

Ed Nelson's meat pies...

Mmm!

...you oughta!

They are the best in town.

Son of a b*tch!

That son of a b*tch!

That Ed Nelson?

He is indeed.

Ha! He is indeed.

For years I've been wanting to

get that secret recipe of his.

You know, I talked to Nancy

once, Fred's Super Saver.

Talked to her right in front

of a case of frozen meat pies.

[chuckles] I tell ya.

Irony follows me like a cloud.

[chuckles] Anyway, we

were talking friendly,

so I inquired about her recipe.

Maybe it was the way I asked...

a little too friendly,

maybe a little too curious...

but she closed up so quickly.

Eyes grew cold. [scoffs]

I tell ya, they'll never

give you that recipe willingly.

They probably use a lot

of critters, huh?

Oh, don't be a fool. They use

Creighton's goats just like you do.

Must be the spices, then.

Hey, hold on just a minute here.

- What's your angle?

- What's yours?

I wanna be big in meat pies.

Bigger than

Ed "Son of a B*tch" Nelson.

And destroy them

in the process.

And I wanna market

your pies.

I wanna bring them

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