Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies Page #3

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to the next level.

You know, nationally,

globally.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I can see it now.

A clown. The Colonel Sanders

of meat pies.

I can see the billboards.

With you and a little fat goat.

- No!

- Once we get the recipe. Yeah!

No, I've been trying to get out

of this clown business.

- I hate kids.

- Yeah, well, you don't to like the little kids,

but we gonna make

the little f***ers fat!

We can do it together,

but I've got a plan,

and you're gonna have

to listen to it

as long as we've got a deal.

All right.

But the main thing is,

I want to destroy

those a**holes over there.

...Mose Allison Festival!

We are the Truck Patch Revival!

Here we go!

In a dirt road town

ain't nothin' but small

Everybody's laid back

and we still say y'all

[zombie snorts]

Hey, buddy,

you got a light?

Oh, you smell worse

than a buzzard on a...

- [screaming]

- [spits]

- [screaming]

- [growling]

[Truck Patch Revival

playing in distance]

[Asher groaning]

[Robbie]

All I'm saying is, he was bit.

We shouldn't have been

messing around in the swamps.

That doesn't look like

an alligator did that to him.

Robbie, what's wrong?

What happened?

What happened?!

Anybody wanna give me some sort

of idea about what's going on?

Listen, listen.

- We had no idea...

- Matt, shut the hell up, man!

[groans]

Look, guys,

he doesn't look so good.

He's gotta get to a hospital.

You have to tell us

what really happened.

Robbie, I won't be pissed,

I won't tell Mom and Dad.

I promise.

[Trent]

They're gonna ask, Matt...

We went... Listen.

We went to Creighton's...

We went to Creighton's

to get some weed.

We got there.

That motherf***er

attacked us.

Sh*t, we thought

he was sleeping.

All right?

And he just...

bit...

Well, look, the ambulance

just left before we got here.

Yeah, we can't afford to wait.

I hate to end our day this way.

He-Man takes the challenge,

ladies.

I live for this stuff.

- Let's get him to my car.

- [stomach gurgling]

[Kayla]

What's wrong, He-Man?

Gas, I guess.

That meat pie's

not sitting right.

It'll pass.

So about that weed

you said you had?

Uh, yeah,

I got it right here.

How much did you want?

- How much you have?

- How much you want?

- I will give you whatever you want.

- Oh, my God.

[engine revs, stops]

Sh*t. What you want to do first?

- I wanna ride something.

- I figured after last night,

that ass of yours

would be tired of riding.

My ass is just fine,

thank you.

- I know. Sh*t.

- [giggles]

Stop, baby.

Someone might be watching!

You let 'em watch.

Hell, I'll sell some tickets!

- God, I f***in' love you!

- F***in' love you!

[moaning]

[growling]

[screaming]

Aah! F***!

[clanking]

[clanking]

[groans]

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I'm feeling sick.

Aah! God!

Mein head hurts like hell!

It's the worst migraine ever.

[groans]

I vomited a few times

on the way back.

Food poisoning.

You ate there, right?

At the carnival?

[groaning, yelling]

[moaning]

[moans]

God, it hurts!

Oh, my God, it hurts!

[scream echoes]

Assuming everything

There's not enough room

for all of us, so, Robbie,

- you're coming with us.

- [groaning]

[engine sputtering]

Damn it! [sighs]

Something's wrong!

I know cars.

My dad's a mechanic.

Pop the hood.

[blues song playing in distance]

[crowd cheering in distance]

Man, you're shitting me.

When was the last time

you got gas, hmm?

I filled up before we left.

You sure you didn't ride out here

on fumes, from all the mist, huh?

Trent!

How many times did I tell you

to fill the tank up?

Jesus, Kayla.

I did! I did!

What, you really think I just

planned on this happening?

Asher is dying, okay? And we're

all just screwing around!

[screaming]

- Asher! Asher!

- Shh!

Asher, come on, man.

Jesus!

It was just a bite, man!

The infection, whatever it was,

it spread quickly.

I mean, look at his skin.

It looks like something's

growing underneath it.

Is he dead?

Yeah. Yeah, he's gone.

I'm sorry.

[clattering]

How do you think

we're doing today, love?

I think we done had

our best year yet.

Just estimating...

- I'd say ten grand, maybe 15.

- Whoo-hoo!

Ed, just one day alone, and we

still got three days to go.

[Nancy]

Plenty to expand with.

[Ed] Gotta watch out

for that damn Ben.

I think we ought to use that

money to expand. I really do.

We don't need the recipe to

destroy them son of a b*tches.

You got that bottle?

[clatters]

[Matt] What's going on?

What's happening, man?

No...

No! What the f***, man?

What the f*** is this?

- [screeching]

- What is this?

[Robbie]

What the hell is that?

It's kudzu shoots.

Oh, my God! I am way too stoned

for this sh*t!

[Ben grunts]

Hello, Ben.

Still pissed about them goats?

Listen, Ed.

I didn't mean nothing, I swear.

Ben Johnson!

What in the holy name of God?

Snooping around here

trying to find something.

It was shitty

what you two done!

I had a deal!

Sh*t! Nancy read

"The Art of the Deal."

Made Creighton a hell of a one.

Trump himself would be proud.

Five, ten years, we have exclusive

rights to Creighton's finest.

But you ain't gonna find

no recipe around here...

you dumb-ass ingrate!

Ed! No!

He ain't worth it.

[screaming]

[growling]

What do we do for him?

- [screaming]

- [growling]

- [growling]

- No! No, no!

[growling]

[growling]

- [shouting]

- [growling]

- [growling]

- [shouting]

Hey! Help me! Help me!

- [growling]

- [screaming]

Oh my God!

Asher, Jesus!

- [shouting]

- [growling]

Come on, Asher!

Stop, man!

You're goddamn vegan,

for Christ's sake!

Stop! Stop!

- [roaring]

- What the hell was that?

- [crowd screaming] -[muffled music

playing through headphones]

One meat pie, please.

- [growls]

- [screams]

What in the hell is going on?

Please let me go as a matter

of professional courtesy.

I ain't lettin' sh*t!

- [growling]

- Whoa. Whoa!

[growling]

- Guys!

- [screaming]

[growling]

Aah!

[screaming]

[growling]

[shrieks]

[groaning]

His illness has left him

virtually comatose.

I've estimated 40 minutes

to one hour

since ingestion of possible

infected source material.

[squelching]

[breathing heavily]

Dr. Klein's pulse

has progressively slowed.

I'm concerned that he may

go into cardiac arrest.

[gasping]

[groaning]

[weeping]

Daniel, no!

- [growls]

- [whimpers]

Daniel!

Dr. Klein!

Are you even you?

If you can hear me...

- [growling]

- ...I'm so sorry!

[grunts]

- [growling]

- No!

[growling]

No!

No!

- [growling]

- [screaming]

Rest in peace, my brother.

What the hell happened to him?

He looked crazy! Like...

like he wanted to kill you.

That thing that attacked

that woman didn't look crazy.

It looked dead.

Asher had no pulse

when I checked.

That thing that's eating Matt

right now?

It's dead, too!

Look at him!

That used to be

old man Creighton!

Say goodbye, creep!

[growling]

I thought you were

too stoned for this.

It's too bad about Matt.

He had some tasty herb.

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