Auntie Mame Page #11

We must have that game of golf soon.

My, my, my, my, my.

We'll have to take that up a bit.

Pegeen, better bring the ladder again.

- Won't you sit down, Mr. Babcock?

- Thank you.

They're almost ready.

The spcialit de la maison.

- I want you to meet Miss Pegeen Ryan.

- How do you do?

Take it up. It seems to be

getting in peoples' hair.

- Claude.

- Thank you.

And Doris.

Claude, I'm not going to tell you

one thing that's in these drinks...

...because all the ingredients

are secret.

Now, now, now, just hang on.

Well, what do you know?

The trick is to drink them up fast...

...before all the alcohol burns away.

Don't you worry about a thing, Claude.

I'm fully covered by fire insurance.

Well, now, Patrick. Here.

And little Glory.

My friend who may drop in later

calls it the Flaming Mame.

- Who? Who is coming?

- Just family, darling.

Don't be a scaredy-cat.

There's nothing to be frightened of.

There, now.

Are we all lit?

- Mr. Upson, can I fix you a daiquiri?

- No. Not for a minute.

Your Aunt Mamie made this for me,

and I'm gonna drink it.

It looks just fine.

This is spicy.

Try one of the striped ones, Mums.

- These are tasty.

- What are they, dear?

Just plain old pickled rattlesnake.

Pure protein. They're marinated

after they remove the fangs.

Mr. Babcock, you've gone out.

Don't bother, Mrs. Burnside.

Agnes.

Agnes, I told you to stay

in your room.

But it's a quarter past 8,

and you told me...

I told you to take your pills

a quarter past 8.

- My calcium pills are in the kitchen.

- Now, now, come, dear.

- Is that a member of the family?

- Darned if I know.

It's a member of somebody's family.

I would like you to meet my former

secretary. She's a little bit...

She's not quite herself

at the moment.

Now, we know all about these

women's things, don't we?

- What's your name, dear?

- Gooch.

You sit right over here

beside me, Mrs. Gooch.

And what does Mr. Gooch do?

Oh, my father passed on.

Oh, no. I mean your husband.

Now, now, Agnes. Upsy-daisy.

Calcium time, darling.

Pegeen, dear.

Auntie Mame is big-hearted

when anybody is in trouble.

I can see that.

- Vera and Lindsay.

- Mame, darling.

Like an opening night without critics.

I'd like you to meet

my dearest friend, Vera Charles.

And the well-known publisher,

Mr. Lindsay Woolsey.

I'm charmed to meet you,

all of you.

I've got to tell you,

I adored you in Mary of Scotland.

Did you, dear? That was Helen Hayes.

Spirits!

Vera, can I persuade you

to have a drink?

Yes, dear. Anything but rum.

I've just been

to the most awful party...

...where they served nothing

but daiquiris made with honey.

- Mame!

- Acacius, darling.

Oh, Lord!

Mr. and Mrs. Upson, Mr. Babcock...

...l'd like you to meet Acacius Page,

Patrick's first teacher in New York.

The man who had a great deal

to do with molding his character.

Haven't we met before?

I don't recognize the face.

Acacius, darling, your lotus juice.

- Auntie Mame.

- Yes, dear.

- I thought this was a family night.

- This is our family.

Pegeen, are you having trouble?

Help her, please.

Thank you.

- Thanks, Lochinvar.

- Courtesy of the house.

- I'm fine. You have enough problems.

- Don't I, though?

That's a pretty picture, I must say.

Yes, isn't it? Ladies and gentlemen,

I want to propose a toast.

To this lovely young couple...

...as they start up

the ladder of life together.

Oh, no, Auntie Vera.

This isn't Gloria. That's Gloria.

Pity.

- I brought you something.

- What is it?

- Be careful. The ink's wet.

- My book!

I'm in print. Just like Edna Ferber.

You did it. I never knew

you went on with it.

Patrick, you have vision.

Mame, he's just like you.

- My lifesaver, Patrick, and Lindsay.

- This has been a great day.

Patrick, why didn't you tell me

your aunt was literate?

- Am I mentioned in your book?

- Mentioned? You're exposed!

A toast to Live, Live, Live

by Mame Dennis Burnside.

Step right up now,

and get your red hot chapters!

I've been to so many

wonderful parties here, Mame.

Now I'll see how they all ended.

I forgot about that time we almost got

caught in a speakeasy. I was 10.

Here's all about the roller skates

and Uncle Beau.

And that Christmas we were so broke.

Patrick, my little Patrick.

You can practically write a whole book

about what happened to me.

I beg your pardon?

I said, you can write a whole book

about what happened to me.

- Thank you.

- Yes.

Bunny Bixler and I were in the

semifinals, the very semifinals...

...of the Ping-Pong tournament

at the club.

And this ghastly thing happened.

We were both playing way over

our heads and the score was 29-28.

We had this terrific volley...

...and I stepped back

to get this really terrific shot.

And I stepped on the Ping-Pong ball.

I just squashed it to bits.

And then Bunny and I ran to the closet

to get another ball.

And the closet was locked. Imagine?

We had to call the whole thing off.

Well, it was ghastly.

Well, it was just ghastly.

- Well, it was amusing.

- Yes, yes.

It's hilarious!

- What is?

- Your story.

I'm so proud. The whole

last chapter's all about me.

"Fighting the stigma...

...of the unwed mother."

Mr. Upson, you lucky devil.

Your future son-in-law is featured in

one of the raciest books of the year.

Patrick, I had no idea how many times

you unzipped me and put me to bed.

Now, just a minute!

There are young people here.

I only did it when Miss Charles

had passed out.

Thank you, lto.

- Don't tell me she can't come.

- Who can't come?

That woman with the snakes from Paris.

She was to entertain us.

Vera, loan me your glasses.

"Read a forthcoming publication

of our book.

I'm entitled to half of the royalties

for services as editor and co-author..."

Brian!

Brian?

"Will return in a few days

to claim fruits of collaboration.

My claim will be substantiated

by my wife, Agnes Gooch O'Bannion."

Wife?

- Think, Agnes, think.

- Think?

Try!

Maybe that wasn't a movie we went to.

Maybe that wasn't Gary Cooper.

It was Brian.

And the girl was...

...me!

- I'm a bride!

- Oh, darling, congratulations.

Isn't it wonderful, Patrick?

- I'm so happy for you!

- Honey, isn't this terrific?

This is revolting.

How can you tolerate people who...?

Who aren't absolutely top drawer?

These are my friends.

People who brought me up.

Riffraff! When we're married,

don't invite such people to our house.

- Who'll be coming? Bunny, Muriel Puce?

- What's wrong with Muriel Puce?

She has the IQ of a dead battery.

As for your other girlfriends...

...they're a lot of vain,

selfish, empty bigots.

Marvelous! You'll make

a fortune out of this book.

She will, but not for herself.

She gave her royalties

to the Epstein Home in Montebank.

- Epstein the cellist?

- What about Montebank?

Can't the Epsteins afford

their own home?

They're not going to live there.

They're building a home there

for refugee Jewish children.

- What's that?!

- Oh, no!

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