Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Page #17

FRAU FARBISSINA:

Thank you, Herr Doctor.

DR. EVIL

I like to see girls of that caliber.

By caliber, I mean both the barrel

size of their guns and the high

quality of their character... Forget

it.

SFX:
60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER

NUMBER TWO:

That would be the video feed from

Kreplachistan.

Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock

footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of

RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS

in the front of a military vehicle.

DR. EVIL

Gentlemen, Phase One is complete.

The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two

begin! Patch us through to the United

Nations security secret meeting room.

INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM

REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional

garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are

dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK. The

CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed in

ceremonial robes, etc.

DR. EVIL

Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.

They all look up at the SCREEN.

DR. EVIL

In a little while, you'll find out

that the Kreplachistani warhead has

gone missing. Well, it's in safe

hands. If you want it back, you'll

have to pay me... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS.

DR. EVIL

(frustrated)

Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!

The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY

Gentlemen, silence!

(to Dr. Evil)

Now, Mr. Evil--

DR. EVIL

(angry)

Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six years

in evil medical school to be called

'mister'.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY

Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy

of the United Nations not to negotiate

with terrorists.

DR. EVIL

Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen,

you have five days to come up with

one hundred billion dollars. If you

fail to do so, we'll set off the

warhead and destroy the world.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY

You can't destroy the world with a

single warhead.

DR. EVIL

Really? So long.

The screen goes BLANK.

DR. EVIL

(to evil associates)

Gentlemen, in exactly five days from

now, we will be one-hundred billion

dollars richer.

(laughing)

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

(slightly louder)

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

EVIL ASSOCIATES:

(laughing with him)

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES

(louder and more

staccato)

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(louder again, and

even more evil and

maniacal)

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(pause)

Ohhhh, ahhhhhh...

(pause, quieter)

Ohhh, hmmmm.

(pause, very quiet)

hmn.

There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should

have FADED TO BLACK. The evil associates look around the

room, not knowing what to do with themselves.

DR. EVIL

Okay... Well... I think I'm going to

watch some TV.

EVIL ASSOCIATES:

Okay. Sure.

They exit the frame awkwardly.

INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ

Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN.

There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks,

etc.

We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis.

AUSTIN:

Hello, Exposition.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up

to speed. Dr. Evil has high- jacked

a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan

and is holding the world ransom for

one-hundred billion dollars. If the

world doesn't pay up in four days,

he's threatening to destroy the world.

AUSTIN:

Thank you, Exposition. Only two

things, scare me, and one is nuclear

war.

BASIL EXPOSITION

What's the other?

AUSTIN:

Excuse me?

BASIL EXPOSITION

What's the other thing you're scared

of?

AUSTIN:

Carnies.

BASIL EXPOSITION

What?

AUSTIN:

Circus folk.

(shudders)

Nomads, you know. They smell like

cabbage.

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