Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Page #5

FEMALE ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Cleansing complete. Stage Five,

evacuation beginning.

He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened-

in toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE

BOWL.

He PEES for a while, then a little longer.

And then EVEN LONGER STILL.

The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than

ever.

He is still PEEING.

Finally, it STOPS.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA)

Evacuation com...

He begins PEEING again.

A little LONGER.

Then in short staccato BURSTS.

The it STOPS. Pause.

Two DRIPS.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER

Evacuation...

(waiting)

Complete! The cryogenic state of

Austin Powers is now completed.

Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle a la Dr.

Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections

and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors.

AUSTIN:

(weakly)

Where am I?

BASIL EXPOSITION

You're in the Ministry of Defense.

It's 1997. You've been cryogenically

frozen for thirty years.

AUSTIN:

(shouting)

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

BASIL EXPOSITION

The shouting is a temporary side-

effect of the unfreezing process.

AUSTIN:

Yes, I'm having trouble controlling...

(shouting)

THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

BASIL EXPOSITION

You might also experience a slight

fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at

moments of extreme relaxation. Austin,

this is Commander Gilmour, Strategic

Command, and General Borschevsky,

Russian Intelligence.

AUSTIN:

Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?

BASIL EXPOSITION

A lot's happened since you were

frozen, Austin. The cold war's over.

AUSTIN:

Thank God. Those capitalist dogs

will finally pay for their crimes

against the people, hey Comrades?

BASIL EXPOSITION

We won, Austin.

AUSTIN:

Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya!

(to Gilmour)

Nice tie. Yea capitalism!

COMMANDER GILMOUR

Mr. Powers, the President's very

concerned. We've got a madman on the

loose in Nevada.

BASIL EXPOSITION

It's Dr. Evil.

AUSTIN:

When do I begin?

BASIL EXPOSITION

Immediately. You'll be working with

Ms. Kensington.

AUSTIN:

You mean Mrs. Kensington?

BASIL EXPOSITION

No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long-

since retired. Ms. Kensington is

her daughter.

VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful,

mid- twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very

conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she wears

glasses. Austin's breath is taken away.

She sets down a huge stack of files.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Vanessa's one of our top agents.

AUSTIN:

(out loud, to himself)

My God, Vanessa's got a smashing

body. I bet she shags like a minx.

How do I tell them that because of

the unfreezing process, I have no

inner monologue?

(pause)

I hope I didn't say that out loud

just now.

There is an uncomfortable SILENCE.

VANESSA:

Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate

you to the Nineties. You know, a

lot's changed since 1967.

AUSTIN:

Well, as long as people are still

having promiscuous sex with many

anonymous partners without protection,

while at the same time experimenting

with mind-expanding drugs in a

consequence-free environment, I'll

be sound as a pound.

VANESSA:

My mother's told me all about you.

AUSTIN:

If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's

the truth, goddamn me.

(pause)

God, I hope that's witty. How's your

mum?

VANESSA:

My mother's doing quite well, thank

you very much.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Yes, well...Agent Kensington will

get you set up. She's very dedicated.

Perhaps, a little too dedicated.

(aside to Austin)

She's got a bit of a bug up her ass.

Good luck, Austin, the world's

depending on you.

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