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Bob?

You wanna freshen the girls' drinks?

Bob.

Which one do you want?

- What do you mean?

- These girls are ready to get it on.

And you're the man,

so I figure you get first choice.

I don't really care.

If it's all the same to you,

I'll hit on the blond.

Copasetic?

Copasetic.

They're beautiful, right?

I'm gonna...

I'll have another hit of that vodka.

- Can I get you another drink?

- I'm not done with this one yet.

John tells me you used

to be a Bunny.

- Can you do the Bunny Dip?

- Can I do the Bunny Dip? Watch this.

- What's the matter? Don't you like me?

- No, it's not that.

I'm married.

So am I.

And I'm a one-woman man.

Hogan, you crack me up.

- No, it's...

- Well, I'm not Colonel Klink...

...or that other dummk opf.

What's his name? The fat one.

You can't pull that crap on me.

What's this?

A prop, I suppose.

What do you want?

Colonel Hogan, I want you

to nail me to the f***ing wall.

Whatever you want.

Anything.

Can we leave the lights on?

- Danke for the stockings, colonel.

- Don't tell anybody there's a war on.

Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan to see you.

The second season,

Cynthia Lynn, who played Helga...

...was replaced by Patti Olsen,

screen name Sigrid Valdis.

The character's name was Hilda.

Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan to see you.

Kommandant, you wanted to see me?

Yes, Hogan, I have a very serious

matter to discuss with you.

I know everything

that happened last night.

- You do?

- You don't fool me for one moment.

Well, I know that, sir. Cigar?

Hogan!

Cut! Terrific.

All right, let's move on.

- That was very nice.

- Made me laugh.

Jeff, what do you think? Let's

swing around and do the other side?

- Nervous? That was great.

- I feel like a bad actress.

- Oh, my gosh, it was so good. Really.

- Thanks.

Everyone's so nice.

It's like a family.

Yeah, well, it depends what kind

of family you come from.

- Okay, come on, come on.

- Okay, you guys, you guys!

- Okay, go.

- All right. Okay. Cheese!

Completing the second season,

Hogan's was rated 17 th by the Nielsens.

I'm Bob Crane's manager,

and we're having a little party later...

...and I was wondering

if you ladies would like to come.

A party with Bob Crane?

We'd love to.

You know who I'm talking about.

It's Klink's secretary.

- Helga?

- No, it's Hilda.

- She's got real beauty.

- Tighten up your pants?

- Yeah, but she's special, you know?

- They all are.

She's real. Not uptight.

You know what I mean?

- Here they are, Big Daddy.

- Quick, what are their names again?

- Jill and Judy.

- Jill and Judy.

Chicks these days, it's like

they throw out all the rules.

I might be in love.

Which is which?

Jill's the blond,

Judy's the other one.

I'm going for the blond.

Bob, I had her all set up.

- I'm going for the blond.

- Bob, I've been working on her.

Brunette's not my type.

I'm sure you'll make do.

Come on.

Okay.

- Ladies!

- Hey, how are you?

- Hi. Jill, right?

- Jill, yeah.

- Jill, John.

- Bob Crane.

- Judy?

- Yeah, Judy. Nice to meet you.

Welcome.

So this is the party?

Colonel, apparently some

of the new recruits...

...are complaining

about the barracks again.

Hogan!

He does that just right.

Yeah!

You are so photogenic.

That's great! That's great!

I love that thing you do.

Hold on, hold on. I gotta get that.

- Take it off! Take it off!

- Fabulous. Set those puppies free.

- That's great.

- Go, Jill!

Carpy, more film!

That's fabulous.

That's fabulous. Really.

I didn't even know this thing was on.

I didn't want to freak you.

Give you...

- What, performance anxiety.

- I do my best work in front of a camera.

- I do mine behind.

- This is fabulous.

Where have you been all my life?

You do this for Dawson?

You don't like him, do you?

He tried for the lead, it went to me,

so he snips at me.

Little Brit fag cracks.

"Trouble with your lines, love?"

You know, always trying

to undercut me.

Jesus, look at her go.

You're gonna have to choose, Carp.

- It's him or it's me.

- Look, Bob.

She's giving you head.

We're gonna have to burn this tape.

How much did you say one

of these things costs?

Flowers 3 times a week is one thing,

but isn't this extravagant?

Wait till you see it.

- How does it work?

- You gotta see this thing. Carpy.

It doesn't bite. Just don't touch

these wires right here.

Okay.

Carpy says, "Don't touch."

Well, what will we do with it?

Home movies.

Smile! Come on, give me a smile.

Everybody give me a wave.

- I wanna get this side also.

- Thank you.

No, please. Bob!

Come on, I'm washing the dishes.

- I don't wanna be photographed.

- Look at that dress. I love that, honey.

All right, give me one more shot.

Here we go. One, two, big dance!

- Look at that.

- This is amazing.

- You just shot this today.

- Yeah, it's not like film.

With video,

there's no film processing.

We are light years ahead

of everybody.

Look at that.

It's like the Polaroid of home movies.

Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan to see you.

Well, he did beat out

a million other sperm.

Think about that.

- Guess it's kind of hard to fathom.

- Yeah.

- You're so easy to talk to.

- It's because I speak English, Sigrid.

- Call me Patricia.

- Patricia.

Sigrid is my stage name.

To you, I'm Patricia.

And what brought you back to L.A.?

The usual things: A broken marriage.

Cheers to that.

Tired of being a housewife, you know?

So you came back here

where you can play one instead?

Something like that.

What about you, Hogan?

What are your dreams?

Besides drumming with Buddy Rich?

I dream about finding

somebody who gets me...

...who I am.

We're in the show together.

We have to keep up

the appearance of respectability.

I can be very respectable.

You're not really hungry, are you?

I'm gonna get the check.

Yeah.

We're a Christian publication,

Mr. Crane.

Please. It's Bob.

So this is a little outside our

normal terrain. We usually don't do...

...Hollywood interviews,

what with the divorces and whatnot.

- Sure.

- That's why we're interested in you.

You've been married to your

high-school sweetheart for 16 years.

- Fifteen, actually.

- Fifteen years.

How do you do it? What's your secret?

Three words:

Don't... make... waves.

As every sailor knows,

when one set of waves meets...

...another set of waves

it can set up some chop.

And when three sets of waves

come together, it can make...

...for some mighty rough sailing.

It also helps sometimes

to have a harmless safety valve.

Because when I get tense,

I blow off steam.

And so when it comes

to my own family...

...I don't make waves.

That's inspirational.

You're a fortunate man.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

- You want me to run lines with you?

- No, I got it.

Is there anything

you want to talk about?

About what?

Neither of us has said anything,

but we both know.

Know what?

- We never spend any time alone.

- What do you call this?

Tense.

- Distant.

- Oh, you're being ridiculous.

Come on.

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