Auto Focus Page #7

Can't kill 'em.

I think this is Seattle.

No. Dallas.

Look at the dcor.

The Western picture.

Tits on her.

Yeah.

My God, the building's on fire!

Look at all those police cars

and photographers!

Photographers? Oh, my God,

the mayor's there too!

- Do you see my wife out there?

- What does she look like?

I don't remember!

Carpy?

Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's great up here.

Last night? Zilch.

But there's actually a story there.

A society babe.

I did her friend.

She was all hot to go and then

she got the heebie-jeebies.

When are you coming out?

Excuse me.

Mind switching that to channel nine?

I want to check something out.

That's the guy from that TV show.

Look, there he is...

I'm going to talk to him. Watch.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I was sitting over there...

...and I noticed the TV and I...

Well, is that you?

- On the TV, is that...?

- Oh, my gosh!

That is embarrassing. I didn't even

know it was on. I'm Bob Crane.

I know. I thought so.

Bob Crane.

Gosh, it's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too...

- Susan.

- Susan. All right.

- I loved your TV show.

I appreciate that. I'm just in town

here to do a little bit of theatre.

- I just wanted to say hi.

- Sure. Can I get you something?

Another drink? An autograph?

A nude swim?

Bob!

You know, I'm a real photo nut.

How long are you girls in town?

Carp. Look at this.

You want a club sandwich?

This editing hookup's fantastic. I can

even cut together cartoons for Scotty.

No, I'm not hungry. Watch this.

Here's Bobby!

On The Morning Show

with us today, Bob Crane.

- Hey. You made this?

- Yeah, with your equipment!

It's like the old stuff

we used to do back in radio.

Know how sometimes you put a flub

in the show? Audiences crack up.

It's so funny.

The girls, sometimes they're

uncomfortable with the video.

Now we show them an edit,

get them laughing and boom!

They love sex. They're just

looking for an excuse.

- You want something to drink?

- Women should have...

...a letter from the pope,

says, " If I sleep with you...

...my boyfriend won't come after you."

Know what I mean?

- I talked to Nick Murphy in Houston.

- Yeah, how'd that go?

We're all set for Monday night with the

swinging thing. You know, it's strange.

Dallas is a great town for babes.

But for swinging, nothing.

You know what's a great city for

dominance? Atlanta. Don't ask me why.

I made this for you.

That's good.

Simply scrumptious!

It's not very nice to try

and trick Mother Nature.

That's not funny, Bob.

Carp, come on!

Don't tell me funny. I know funny...

...and that's funny!

- No, it's not.

It's f***ing Laugh-In!

That's Rowan and Martin.

- After all I've done for you.

- What do you mean?

The equipment,

coming when you called...

...running errands,

setting up the swinging parties...

Do you hear yourself? What are

you...? All you've done for me?

What are you talking about? How the

f*** do you think you get these broads?

You think you show up and say,

"Hey, I'm John Carpenter. F*** me."

They're with you because of me. They

don't want you, they want Bob Crane.

So if you don't mind, please lay off

the "all I've done for you" speech.

- Mr. Crane?

- Oh, yeah!

- Hey, Mr. Crane!

- Do you want an autograph?

You've been served.

Welcome to Celebrity Cooks.

My name is Bruno Gerussi.

Today we'll be cooking with Colonel

Hogan himself, Mr. Bob Crane!

Thanks, Bruno.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Wonderful to see you.

Now, what has Hogan been up to?

Pretty much the same old thing. Still

trying to pull the wool over Klink's eyes.

And trying to get into Hilda's pants.

Actually, I did get into her pants,

I married her. But...

Now she's divorcing me,

so that's not worked out.

But I will be next month

in Long Beach...

...performing a show called

Beginner's Luck.

Wonderful! So, Bob, what recipe

have you brought us today?

It is a pasta dish.

With chicken and fettuccine,

they tell me.

I don't... That's what they

told me to say, anyway.

Sounds delicious.

You got a balloon-smuggler

here in the audience today.

You got a license

to carry those things?

Little tip on how to remove the wrinkles

from your face:
Take off your bra.

Calm down.

Boo! Calm down.

They'll cut all this stuff out. They

edit it and they take all this stuff out.

Nice enough girl till she figured out

the fuzzy thing she's sitting on...

...could make her some money.

- You all right?

I'm fine. It's actually called a Chicken

Fettuccine la Crane, is my dish.

- We can take a break if you want.

- No, I'm fine.

I'm a complete professional. I just can't

get over the size of those knockers.

- Look, here come the ingredients now.

- Yes!

Wonderful.

The noodles!

Bob.

You surprised me. Come in.

Close the door, will you?

Sit.

You need anything?

Sit.

So, what's on your mind?

Just passing through.

Some things never change.

How's the theatre? Our...

The boys are helping you, right?

- I got eight months lined up, thank you.

- That's a nice little moneymaker.

You should know.

How's the family? The kids all right?

- Patti and I broke up.

- Yeah, I heard.

She hates me.

And she threw stuff at me.

Ashtrays, a videocassette. She cut

my lip here. I had to have stitches.

I was wondering if you'd

set some meetings up.

Get in circulation. A game show.

Do you remember the reaction

I got on Password?

I know Password is, you know,

not on the air anymore...

...but maybe Hollywood Squares.

You know? Something just to...

...get into the public's eye.

Don't look like that. Hey!

I'm not talking about

Paul Lynde's square.

- Any square is fine.

- We've talked about this.

The image problem.

If I sent you out again, I'd have to be

able to tell people you're a new man.

Well, tell them sex is normal.

It's good for you. I'm normal.

People got these hang-ups.

Do you know that there's actually

people out there who avoid me now?

This is a nice one.

I'm the friendly guy.

I'm the mediator.

My brother and father...

Goddamn, they hated each other.

You know?

- I'm the good son.

- Hey, I'm not a counsellor.

I'm feeling very awkward

being put in this situation.

There's one thing I know.

Bob, people don't change

unless they want to.

I want to.

A drunk can't get sober and hang

around his old drinking buddies.

It doesn't work that way, kid.

Excuse me.

- Yeah.

- Your 4:
00 is here.

Tell him to wait.

- You got meetings.

- No! No hurry. Sit down.

I gotta go anyway.

Come here.

I want you to know something.

I'm here for you, and I want

to help you. You understand?

Yes. I'll call you.

Good luck, kid.

Beginner's luck, right?

Bobby!

Dad?

How you doing?

- What's up?

- Hello, Mr. Crane.

I'll be inside.

Wow, she's built.

How you doing?

- Pretty good. What's up?

- What have you been up to?

- Nothing much.

- Yeah?

Patti and I are getting a divorce.

- She's busting my balls.

- Really, I don't want to get into it.

I didn't want you to hear

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes