Auto Focus Page #6

I got you.

Sure everything's gonna be all right?

New actress comes in this afternoon.

She knows the role. We got four days.

All right with you.

You seem so tense lately.

I'm carrying the whole production. I'm

directing, booking, working the crowd.

- You'll be home in three weeks, right?

- Unless they boo us off.

- They love you, Bob!

- Honey?

- Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

- What are you doing?

Come here.

Come on.

Everybody loves you, Bob.

Pacific Southwest Airlines

flight 287...

...is now arriving at gate 35

from Los Angeles.

- Hey!

- Big Daddy.

- Voil!

- What is that?

Videocassette. It's brand-new.

It has the reel-to-reel

inside the casing.

My God.

Any trouble with the luggage?

We're gonna need a sky cart.

That's just the thing. With women,

if they have a good sound...

- They love it.

- Patti loves it.

You know, we need a tape.

A music tape.

- Like a recording or something.

- Yeah, yeah.

- To get the chicks in the mood.

- That's a fabulous idea.

It's a fabulous idea.

It's a fabulous idea.

We have so much fun here.

We just love Columbus audiences.

We like after the show to take

a couple questions from the audience.

So let's start...

...here.

You St. Louis audiences are

fantastic. I'd be happy to sign...

...some autographs after the show.

I ask one thing:

Don't throw them out

while I'm still present.

What do y'all do for fun in Dallas?

I hear the place to be on a Thursday

night is a club called Lucky's.

So I guess that's where you'll find

me and some of the crew tonight.

If you're looking for company.

Over here! Over here!

- You all right?

- Yeah.

Hey, Bob! Bob!

Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Carpy?

- Sleeping Beauty.

- Carpy?

- Sleeping Beauty.

Where you been?

While you were catching Z's,

I, your loyal musketeer...

...was out at the porn theatre...

...shooting a copy of Deep Throat

off the screen.

- You can do that?

- I had to use your name.

I picked up some swing magazines.

This is a big town for swinging.

- We should just do it.

- What?

Just make a big-budget sex film.

You know?

Get some big star, like...

- Stella Stevens.

- She'd never do it.

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, Carp.

Oh, yeah.

If you pay her enough.

She's an actress!

Wow. You could charge, like,

10 bucks for something like that.

Hey. Look at this.

Look at my dick.

- Look at my dick.

- I've seen your dick before.

Look closer.

- I don't want to look closer.

- Look, damn it!

See anything different?

What am I supposed to say,

it's bigger?

Is it?

Wow. You did it, didn't you?

Last time I was in L.A.

A "penile enhancement."

Wow! It's thicker!

How much did it cost?

If you're gonna be in the movies,

gotta do what you gotta do.

- Hey, a day without sex...

- Is a day wasted.

Bob Crane. Hey, Lenny.

You're kidding me.

Run it by me again?

That... No, no, no, no, that's...

That's great.

Disney's offering me a movie.

Superdad.

No, no, no, no. Just tell them

I got some commitments.

Don't blow this, Lenny.

Don't blow it. I want this job.

I need this job, okay?

No, it's fabulous! Yeah.

I'll call you later. Yeah.

Guess who's playing Superdad?

Me.

So much for our big plans.

Don't give me that look.

This is good for both of us.

- Oh, is it?

- Yeah. I'm back in play again.

The big time.

- Sweets. How are you?

- I'm fine.

Schmile.

- Let's pull it around.

- Easy.

- Lenny!

- Hey.

You came by.

It's 20 minutes.

They're turning around the lights.

You want to go in my trailer?

I got a call from Disney.

Apparently some joker

from the Enquirer...

...took pictures of you

in a topless bar.

Bob, this is Disney.

Don't f***ing blow this.

I'm a family man. One woman man.

Always have been.

What about the photo albums?

Those pictures you show people.

You know, not everyone thinks

about things the way you do.

Turns people off.

And word gets around, believe me.

- Who'd I show them to?

- You show them to everybody.

Don't be a square.

Is it true you showed them to

Donna Reed and she ran out?

I may be horny, but I'm not stupid.

There could be a very

serious conflict here...

...between your lifestyle and

your career. You don't see this?

I'm normal.

Sex is not the answer.

I know that, Lenny, it's the question.

"Yes" is the answer.

I'm just saying.

Just try to be a little discreet.

All right?

Come in for a minute.

- I gotta get back to the office.

- Well, call me!

This is it.

Here we are.

Batman and Robin.

Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Hi-yo, Silver. Away!

- Come on in, guys. Join the party!

- Hey, what's going on?

- Janet! Janet!

- What's coming off?

What's going down?

All your life you're the lucky guy.

The funny guy.

Then one day it all turns.

The jokes aren't funny,

the phone doesn't ring.

You're the same, but nothing else is.

Superdad sat on the shelf

for a year...

...then flopped.

I had to beg Disney

for a cameo in another film...

...Gus, about a donkey

who kicked field goals.

What do they want from me?

I don't drink. I don't smoke.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Honey?

Gotta go back on the road.

Bob, you're never home anymore.

You think dinner theatre

makes me happy?

How do you think I feel having to do

dinner theatre to pay the bills?

Gee, I wouldn't know.

I'm just a housewife.

Well, maybe you need a new hobby.

You thought about that?

Maybe I need a new husband.

Hey, everything I do is for you

and Scotty. Come on.

The house, the furniture,

the Caddy that you drive.

I just want someone here.

You're never home anymore.

And when you are, you're

downstairs editing your videos!

You want me to cancel my next

engagement? Just cancel it?

I can't. It's a contract!

Marriage is a contract.

Maybe we should just

cancel that too.

I booked Wichita.

Is that thing on?

Oh, yeah. Want me to turn it off?

- Happy now?

- Yeah.

Bob?

Bob?

Hey, Big Daddy!

Carpy. You want a drink?

Look what I got you. It's a timer.

Now we can put on the recorder

whenever we want...

...tape shows right off the TV.

- That's fantastic.

Like if you want to watch

Johnny Carson at 11:30...

...and we're out hunting chicks,

we set the timer. Boom.

We watch it in the morning.

I'm gonna need a minute to

wrap my mind around that idea.

- Pretty groovy, huh?

- Yeah.

You okay? You look kind of blue.

Just Patti and I

having some problems.

Had to cancel the Wichita gig.

I thought you had

an arrangement with her.

- You know how women are.

- Yeah.

You got the right idea, really.

Live separately.

I'd miss her and Scotty too much.

This is making me hot.

- What's her name again?

- I'm not sure.

Could look it up in my records.

I've got all this stuff.

The bush on her. Wouldn't go

near that without a flashlight.

I did.

What is it about women, Carpy?

They tell you one thing...

...then they get you and

they change their minds. It's...

Can't live with 'em,

can't live without 'em.

You know, truer words

were never spoken.

Can't live with 'em...

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